The letter's in the mail.
Sunday, 10.10.2010 - 7:50 pm.

I cannot believe what I've done. In a good way. I'm nervous but I'm happy. I'm uncertain but I was true to myself. Today I printed the letter I wrote to Joseph, put it inside the Flight Club DVD case and gave it to CR, asking him to deliver it to him whenever possible.

He and I met today at about 3 pm. He wasn't at the spot I usually pick him up at in a mall, so I parked my car and went to sit on a bench. I text him telling him I'm already there and when I look up after sending the text, I see him sitting on the bench next to me. He was just standing up to go look for me. I call his name. He never got my text.

We stopped by the supermarket, bought chocolate and a bag of water for him, milk and capuccino for me, and we went to a small forest. This forest is behind a stadium where a huge soccer match was happening, and you could see the crowd entering the place. All those people in white looked like ants.

CR and I sat by the stream, on wooden benches and table. We talked stuff and when he asked how I was doing, I told him I needed for him to do me a favor, the first and last of this kind that I'll ever ask him.

I took the DVD out of my purse: this is my favorite movie ever. It was given to me by my then favorite person. I need for you to give it back to him. He understood inmediately and I felt so validated and relieved. He was so supportive, he said that it was very painful to own such awesome gift, and promised he'd give it to Joseph. "And I'll tell him to read it when he's alone". I thought to myself, God bless you, CR.

He said he'd spoken to him recently. Joseph always asks for me but CR is appalled by "how two people that lived together for so long know so little about each other". The opinion Joseph has of me, says CR, has nothing to do with what he (CR) has seen: let me just put it this way: you're not as cold as he thinks you are, and he's not as warm as you think he is.

Joseph and I have completely different versions of the same things. I don't have specific examples to understand very well what that means, I'm guessing we both are misjudging some situations and misjudging each other. But I didn't want to ask CR for details, I'm well aware of our potential differences of opinion. I'm so scared that Joseph thinks I'm ok BUT the letter should make clear that I'm not. I will post it here soon, because it's very, very, very important to me.

CR said he couldn't believe it's been two years since Joseph and I broke up, and wonders why Joseph came to see me on my birthday. "Guilt, maybe", he replied to himself. But then he said Joseph has a good marriage, he has a woman that lets him handle things his way and do things in his own terms (like living with his parents), she's under his thumb. You wouldn't have let that happen, you don't submit like that.

Joseph never struck me as a macho guy, and his wife never struck me as submissive, especially by how my friend Victoria (her childhood neighbor) described her. And then CR said somehing like it's all good for now, but she isn't very happy with all that. Not very happy at all. Huh. That's more like it.

We talked about other things, Fight Club and Nature and whatever. Then we moved to another park to meet with Lighthouse. He and I hugged hello and he put his arm around me when we were walking and he was explaining he'd been busy. I like that he seems fond of me. I don't like him romantically anymore but I consider myself priviledged if he's fond of me like that.

We talked for a while, mostly about the friend that died recently (mentioned in my last entry). Lighthouse was coming from her funeral, I think. It was a car accident, and CR assures me her death was quick and painless. I am so sad to hear about all this. CR told me the story of her and my late friend Fer...she was the love of his life and at some point they were going to elope. She passes away a year and a half after he did.

Then it was time for me to leave, and CR and Lighthouse had something to do. Lighthouse said that we had to see each other more frequently, and that he was sorry he'd been so busy lately. "People are dying, you know...", It was his way of saying carpe diem. I feel appreciated by him, in a friendly way, and I like that very much. I think we're going for pizza on friday. Not before because he's waiting for pay day.

So for now I'm done with the overwhelming feelings I've had during the weekend. My faith in a better present and a future and the strenght to fight for them have returned, and everything is going to be ok, sooner or later. I came home with a smile on my face, because being with CR and Lighthouse (my two-headed boyfriend) cheers me up and because I've taken steps to make sure Joseph will know how I really feel.

I think the ending of my letter to Joseph is a bit harsh, but it's true. Not for the reasons he'll believe, though. I don't know what his reaction altogether will be, but I just want to know he read it. I did this for me. It's the closest thing to closure I'll ever have. I think he is as fond of me as I am of him (hell, a part of me is and will be in love with him until I die), but there's hurt beyond any compensation in between us.

I have a pit in my stomach. I'm afraid that if there was ever a chance for reconciliation between us, I've blown it by sending him this letter. But long before that, almost two years ago, he blew it, too. There's nothing left to fight for, nothing to hope for.

Losing all hope is freedom.

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