Monday, 10.25.2010 - 8:11 pm.
I had a bit of a crisis today. I had my adolescent patient (JC's cousin) at 12:30 and I rushed from my work at 12 o'clock to make it on time. I had a feeling he wouldn't show up but I waited. I started to get mad and I started to give up on him.
But he did come, 45 minutes later. Soaked under the rain, he said he got out late from school. He was in a very good mood, it's so rare to see him so cheerful. My doubts dissapeared and I regained my will to make things better for him.
You see, his aunt (JC's mom) called me saturday night. They'd had a fight and she said she was thinking of sending him to a...juvenile camp, really. The place she's thinking of is supposed to be a place to keep kids safe but it just makes it all worse. And if she sends him there, she'll ruin his life. He's fighting to make it through but this would crush all the resilience he's had for 14 years, after enduring violence, abuse and neglect that continue to this day.
Before he came to the clinic, I was saying, I had a bit of a crisis. Jeez, I can't be left alone with my thoughts because then they start to control me. I even felt like crying. I got mad at God for keeping me stuck:
Ranting, here it goes.
I haven't heard back from the job I applied to last week. And at the office, I am losing it. I want to cry every time I have to get copies or get the door or pay receipts. The most meaningful tasks come from my nice boss, who has me translating e-mails and proof-reading letters, and out of that, the interesting part is that he and I engage in small talk while we work. I learn a lot from him, he lost both his legs at age 17, when he stepped on a landmine, and now, decades later, he's a leader and has traveled around the world making an impact on survivors and decision-makers. But me, I just get the copies, and the snacks for the Board of Directors.
Then, scholarships. Fuck this shit, man. Some scholarships require that I'm accepted at the university (I've chosen Mexico and Chile). Universities require me to be there to attend interviews and take exams...but hey, I don't have money to afford traveling and paying for those things. I could invest in one university but what if I'm accepted and still I don't get the scholarship?
Then, the fucking universities I've chosen just don't write me back! What the hell? It's not dumb questions I'm asking! I say I'm interested in their program, I'm a foreign student, I want more info and yes, I've read the fucking website before writing.
Then, I started to think, of course, of JC and Joseph. Mostly JC, because now he's the most inmediate heartache of mine and I bite my tongue because I can't tell him anything else. I'm pissed off at him, I' so hurt. Check with me in a couple of months, but right now I can tell you that I'm happy with him out of my life and I don't plan on speaking to him ever again.
Joseph...I don't know. I'm much better, I'm considerably less emotional. As said in Nation Prozac, it seems my healing developed slowly these two years and then suddenly this month (it's mostly thanks to the letter I wrote to him but I don't know if he got it yet; I'm thinking no). I just think of facts, events, and I try to stay away from the emotions associated to them. I'm fond of him but he's also someone I hope I won't have to face ever again, even if sometimes I ask for another chance with him. That's me being a romantic fool, I'm a sucker for second chances; I get bitter when I see people getting second chances with people from their past and I realize I can't have that.
Today I was watching Across The Universe with Nephew #3 and I kept thinking of Joseph catching this movie on TV and remembering that I love The Beatles. I think now that I should have dedicated songs to him but seriously, I was never encouraged to do that, perhaps because we didn't have the same tastes. I still remember one Simeon comic I made inspired by a conversation he and I had (it's one of my favorite strips)...I sent him the link and it broke my heart when he replied that he didn't read it because he wasn't into those things.
So anyway...when I said I had a bit of a crisis, I meant I began to dwell on the usual topics, no? That's right, because nothing fucking changes! Ok, that's arguable. I met with my best friend Victoria on saturday...we talked about her new job (yay!), and when we talked about Joseph and JC, she said I sounded different, better.
Her getting a job, with better pay and better environment, gave me hope. Things are changing and will keep changing, even if it's by baby steps. A few months ago we'd go to our favorite cafe-bar and try to lift each other's spirits, telling ourselves not to give up hope and not to stop looking for better opportunities. And now she looks so happy and fulfilled in her new job.
And I tell myself, things are bound to change, they can't be like this forever. And I feel better and stronger when I say this but then I look back and I see I've been saying the same thing for over a year and a half now. I can't say things haven't changed at all, but certainly there could be more significant changes than the ones that have happened already.
I feel like crying everyday. I'm sick of being a secretary and of not finding a decent job according to my skills. I'm so sick of hearing of people, "oh, he went abroad because s/he won a scholarship" when my discipline isn't even a priority for funding. I'm sick of Joseph and JC plaguing my heart and my mind with their deeds, how they got away with hurting me and tearing me apart and how still each got their girl.
And for all this, I got mad at God. I tried to stop myself from it, remembering that His pace and time may not be the same as mine, and that the more I fight for the stuff I want the more I'll value it when I get it. But it's so hard. I feel like I'm facing one of those dads that want to build character by taunting you. Stop beating me, Man, I've learned the lesson!
I try to see myself hearing the words "the job is yours", and getting the letter that says "you've been awarded the scholarship", and running into a smart, handsome and talented man that will marry me and be in love with me for the rest of my life...and I say, fuck, yes, what I'm going through is worth it if I'm going to get all that. But I'm so exhausted and upset. And quite frankly, I'm not sure about getting the third one.