Unexpected lunch invitation from a friend that's just a friend.
Wednesday, 10.27.2010 - 10:08 pm.

It took me a while to remember, after I woke up, that I'd dreamed of Joseph. I was living in an apartament with other people, all friends of him, and one day he was there, like he'd just moved in. I think we had intercourse because then I found myself in a matress (there were no beds, just matresses, even in the living room), next to him, wondering if he was still married. But I said, well, he's here, he moved in, so it's highly unlikely.

I don't know why, but the dream made me feel funny and it even made me smile. Perhaps it's the change of content in my dreams about Joseph. And thus the fact that they're not so emotionally loaded.

***

I've been so miserable these days. "God, please, get me out of here" is my mantra at work but I never get the phone call from the school I applied to for a job. I was in a very nasty mood this morning, but frankly, that came from being interrupted in every single thing I was doing until I had a big pile of tasks that needed to be resolved ASAP. All mechanical tasks that make me feel mediocre and humilliated. Even my interruptions are interrupted by other interruptions. It's especially annoying when I'm trying to translate official documents. It requires concentration and people don't seem to grasp that.

Then I got a phone call to my cell. It was Joe, from his new cell phone number. I've had your Scott Weiland CD since last week in the office to return it to you. I was going to give it to you last week but on my way to your office [we're like five houses away] I saw you getting in your dad's car. Insert some explanation, or rather babbling, about how I didn't have my car last week. I was going to surprise you and ask you to go for lunch that day. So when are we having lunch again? I said any day these days was fine by me and we settled it: it'd be today.

Now, I've learned my lesson. The guy doesn't like me and I know better than having those kind of expectations. Of course, my heart jumped, especially by his wanting to surprise me and his willingness to meet up as quickly as we could. But I refrain: I'm allowed to enjoy it, I'm allowed to think of it as a date. I'm not allowed to expect anything beyond a good time with him.

We went for pizza and indeed, we had a great time. We talked about plans for our future. He's going to apply for the same scholarship as me and that made me happy. He wants to study jazz music and I'm glad he has his plan to try to achieve what he wants. We remembered things we gave each other: he got me a Ringo Starr LP and Eric Clapton's unplugged. I lent him The Godfather, which since then and until now is his equivalent of Fight Club for me. He read the books, saw the movies, quotes the characters constantly.

Eventually we arrived to the dating and relationship department. It's very interesting exchanging experiences with him. He says he doesn't know if he's ever been in love, so I'm inclined to think he hasn't. He has a fuck buddy right now but he says it's bound to fade in a few weeks. Many times I was tempted to say that maybe that especial someone he's looking for is closer to him than he thinks but, dude, how clich´┐Ż. He asked me what I wanted in a guy, I asked him the same thing in a girl. But really, these things of finding someone just happen. Like, one day like any other I ran into my friend Cel and a friend of hers...the friend was Joseph and you know the rest.

At times I had the feeling he was looking at me...in a certain way. And I was like, yes, he's about to realize he likes me! And we talked for over an hour, he got back to work more than 30 minutes later than supposed to, but he never looked at the time while talking to me. But, you know...nothing happened and we didn't agree on seeing each other again. It was just a great talk that I didn't want it to end but it did and now we're moving on.

However...I'll ask him to go to the movies with me this weekend. I know, I suck! He says everytime he's made a move on a girl he's rejected and he's kind of bummed that he's only succesful with girls when they make a move on him first. And that would be me trying again, fighting for a lost cause, because we're really building a nice friendship and that's all there is to it. But at this point in my life, in which not much is happening, I need the smallest rays of hope to remember that one day things will be different, for the better.

Small signs keep me going, you know. Although I keep saying, what a shame that he's not interested in me that way.

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