Friday, 10.29.2010 - 6:01 pm.
One may think that I'm moving forward, but I only keep sinking. Everytime things seem to be improving, I reach a new low. Warning: I'm complaining a lot. That's what forced spare time and isolation does to you: too much time to think.
I had a flat tire yesterday and I noticed until I got to work. It was easily fixable but I had to go through the usual drama with my dad (that I don't want to discuss anymore) and I had to wait until late afternoon for my cousin Mario to help me change it. He taught me how to do it years ago but I kind of forgot. As he did it, I realized I remembered but I didn't have the strenght, anyway. Luckily, it didn't have to do with me being a girl, he couldn't do it at first either, it was too tight. But in general, you don't have to strong, just know the tricks.
Also, my laptop is under repairment by my good friend Virginia (who's astonishing spirit of service and solidarity matches the one of my cousin). On tuesday I took it to a shop to repair the screen, something I'd put off for months, if not over a year. It got really bad over time and they fixed it nicely in no time. But then something happened to the internet receptor; I took it back, they didn't find anything. Virginia, having mad Linux skillz, took it upon her to help me. She's been working on it since wednesday. She's very good but my laptop has a problem with disk partitioning. I was going to sell it to my Nephew #3, as he was ok with using Ubuntu, but I'm not sure it'd be a good idea with all the trouble it's been having. I wanted a smaller laptop, but I guess I'll have to wait.
ALSO, I got an e-mail today. My book was going to be published in December but now that's been cancelled. I'm brokenhearted. Not entirely, because it's always a go, just not this year. It sucks, that book means a lot to me, as it's about Joseph (mostly) and I wanted it out as soon as possible. But maybe that was fueled by my fantasy that he's going to read it. Again, I guess I'll have to wait.
I'm inmensely frustrated, have I said that? I know I have the bare necessities covered but I can't help having a mixture of rage and sadness. Yesterday I had no car, no laptop, I didn't get the job I wanted and I keep having a job that makes me feel inmensely mediocre (I've uploaded my resume to some website but don't think people are rushing to hire me), my clinic is on hold, scholarship programs don't think I'm good enough and the e-mails I fire to universities never get a reply. And I know this diary has turned into a major complaint dumpster but what can I do? I'm repeteadly beaten to the ground lately. If it isn't one thing it's another.
Sometimes I just want to scream, who the fuck got in charge of my life? I need to get good news, substantial good news. Something that would prove me that things are moving forward. Sure, it's good news that my car has a good tire again, that my laptop is running, but those things weren't supposed to be broken in the first place. They're fixed, then what? It's still the same. These two weeks have been horribly miserable for me. I try to stay positive and not give up, and I will and I won't, but fuck, sometimes I just look up and wonder why suddenly everything seems to be going wrong.
And these things are out of my hands. I can apply to jobs and scholarships, but it's not in my hands to be accepted or not. I turned in my book but the editorial decided it was best to publish it sometime in 2011 (God, that almost sounds like "never"!). I do what I can! And it's not so much. I'm a fucking smart person. I don't know it all, I know very little in fact, but I do have my share of knowledge and reflexiveness, and more importantly, I'm eager to increase that.
If I had a better job, I'd get paid more, which means more freedom in many aspects, AND my resume would look better for those tight scholarship officers that tear me to pieces for having a job unrelated to my career, as if I had it because I was in love with it and as if I had alternatives. It's called Principle of Reality, assholes. If you funded my discipline, maybe you'd be more aware of such terms.
I was hoping I could see my friend Victoria this weekend but she already said she's busy. A nasty side of me thought, when she got the job, that she'd probably speak to me less but I disregarded that and took it as me being bitter over what happened with Monica. I barely heard from her this week and stuff, though, and I hated reading how she'll be busy over the weekend. I'm not mad at her, she's living her life; it just breaks my heart having this pattern in my life of people taking distance from me as soon as they don't find me useful anymore. And I'm so happy for her but I wish things were a little better for me, too.
I was going to ask Joe to the movies but I probably won't. It's embarrassing chasing after a guy that doesn't like you back. I know what I said in my last entry, about not having expectations but I can't help hoping, and that's not healthy.
I chalk this insistence of mine up to the fiasco that my life is right now, I'll take anything that gets me distracted from this disgusting routine (I have to stay at home, lately because of the car and because I've gone overboard with my budget, thank you very much, laptop, car and swollen ear). You can tell how bad things are because I really didn't like him anymore, I was fine, I was over with him. In fact, it's not so hard for me to remember the arguments that made me get over him completely. I guess I stick to the idea of him because it's all there is for me right now.
In spite of my previous perceptions, I don't really feel like I have many people to turn to now. But it's not like I have anything new to say, other than I'm a failure in every department of my life. Actually, I'm very ashamed whenever I'm asked what's going on because I always reply the same things. I had my book to spice the answer up but now not even so. I thought I was making progress and instead I'm stuck. I'm STILL stuck. I want to kill myself.