I like him but, heck, no, I don't.
Monday, 11.01.2010 - 3:46 pm.

I've been computerless over the weekend. My friend Virginia was fixing it. I wholeheartedly appreciate her for taking the time and effort. She wouldn't accept payment for her services so I could only get her an apple pie. Hey, it's with love and gratitude.

It's been hard being without a computer, and that fact in itself it's sad. I've done other stuff but clearly I'm dependent of this device. If I had found people to hang out with and if I had had the money to do so, I wouldn't have noticed the weekend but yeah, that didn't happen. I was home most of the day, sharing my parents' computer with them and Nephew #3. It's slightly worse and more desperating than sharing a bathroom.

But here I am! And it's November, I love it. I had high hopes for this month, since October was a festival of frustration: anniversaries about Joseph and JC, having no car, no laptop, no patients to help me pay my clinic's rent which has nearly doubled, and a slight discomfort in one ear, which required a doctor. I looked at my expenses in october: I spent twice what I earn. And that, thanking my parents for always being willing to help me with money, otherwise it'd be three or four times my salary (although I pay for that in terms of dependence and "as long as you live under my roof" conflicts...but they don't notice that and they help me out of the goodness of their heart).

So I was saying: November! And I can already say it didn't live up to my expectations! First day of the month and I'm frustrated already: my patient didn't show up. I'm all for skipping lunch and driving for 30 minutes to get to the clinic and meet with him. But when he isn't there, my world crumbles. Not because of him per se; I just carry so many frustrations by now that the littlest thing throws me off. And also, he needs help. Badly.

I try to stay positive. It helped a lot that I met with CR yesterday: we went to a park near my house, talked about never giving up, and then he bought me ice cream. It was a sweet afternoon, really. And only after he got out of my car I remembered I was going to ask him if he delivered Joseph's letter yet. But the fact that I forgot all about it made me feel good.

Then I met with my friend Victoria, because she makes snacks for the Board of Directors meeting (which I'll be attending in a few hours, blah). I told her about these awful weeks and she said I am in the same state of despair she was in a few months, weeks ago. That means I'll soon get a break and something nice will happen. Theoretically, anyway. But still, she was very supportive, and seeing how happy she is with her new job and how things are changing for her, makes me hopeful that things will change for me, too. Some day. Please?

Wait, I did have a little ray of hope on...saturday, was it? Yeah, saturday. I texted Joe. I chickened out from inviting him to the movies, so I wrote him something that gave him the chance to invite me, if he wanted. Genius, aren't I? I told him something like "There's a new Drew Barrymore movie in theaters and I thought about what we talked about. I think you could benefit from watching romantic comedies. You can learn stuff from those movies. Really".

And after texting him I tried to get over that, aware that I may not get a reply, or the reply I wanted. I bet I'd get something like "cool, I will check it out". Instead...he called me. Holy shit, he called me. I picked up nervously. And after the usual hellos, he said, "you know, I got your message and it just so happens that I'm watching a Drew Barrymore movie right now". And then, after a few things, it went something like this:

- Joe: so that movie you say, have you seen it yet?
- Me: No...
- Joe ...
- Me: ...
- Joe: how about we go see it?

And I was just ridiculously ecstatic and maybe doing some even more ridiculous dance, and I said yeah, just say when. He said next week...that means, this week. Some day this week after he gets out of work. And that was it.

When we hung up, I felt like I'd won half the battle. He called me, which is much more than I bargained for when I sent him the text. But I was hoping we'd go to the movies over the weekend and then the "some day next week" sounded so vague and so like it may not happen.

I'm thinking, I hope he didn't call because he felt like he had to. After all, my plan clearly stated: "to give him the chance to invite me, if he wants to". And I spent the whole weekend fantasizing about him and I'm like, "Gosh, I like that guy" and then, "heck, no, I don't like him".

You know what the problem is? I've been watching 10 things I hate about you, the series. That's what has me fueled in the romantic department, maybe? If you follow the relationship between Patrick and Kat, that's Joseph and I (yes, yes, sometimes I didn't enjoy things like I should have because I have an Over Ego that's a tight-ass). It's uncanny! But when you hear that Patrick guy speak, that's Joe's voice. It melts me all the time, I'm biologically vulnerable to a voice like that.

So I kept thinking about Joe so much, that it almost felt like he was my boyfriend already. And I got back to the "heck, no!", because (1) he's a one of those musicians for whom music is their girlfriend and dedicate every second to, (2) he has a fuck buddy, (3) he doesn't like me, and (4) he probably isn't the guy my mind makes him out to be. I'm sure CR's ice cream had more romantic intentions that Joe's invitation to the movies.

(either way, I do hope he calls me)

And, um, well. this is my update, and this is me, trying to be cheerful even though I'm frustrated.

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