I feel doomed but I'll keep trying.
Tuesday, 11.09.2010 - 09:55 pm.

I've been working on my application to the university in Chile. I'm almost done but I'm angry that I'm missing a recommendation letter. I'm angry because why can't for once all things fall into place at the same fucking time? I wrote to a professor to update a letter she'd written earlier this year; I knew she'd say yes and reply quickly but she didn't. Now I don't know if I should insist or just look for somebody else, which means getting the letter within weeks.

On my part, I've worked hard and put everything together in a few days, and I only need to come up with a research proposal for my thesis, which shouldn't take more than a couple of days. If it wasn't for that fucking letter, I could fire the e-mail with the application on friday. I'm being patient about this letter and I'm trying to keep it cool, but excuse this: WHY MUST SOMETHING ALWAYS FRUSTRATE MY PLANS?! Seriously! What's up with always stomping on my fingers when things seems to be finally at my reach? I HATE depending on other people and I'm sick of asking to be recommended.

I'm making alternative plans, though. One way or another, I will have that stupid letter signed by the end of the week.

I'm holding onto this application for the life of me. I am aware that I may not be accepted at the university or, maybe worse, be accepted and then not granted the scholarship. It's not a program I would have chosen but it's the offer they have and there's a chance for me to live abroad and earn a master's degree in a great country.

If I make everything on time, I won't know if I got the scholarship until the end of january, and I'm scared to be putting everything on hold due to my hope (there was a job offer yesterday; I passed, "oh, I'll get the scholarship and I'd have to quit in february"). I'm a little scared to burn myself out with this application and leave aside others that are about to open but I just must not give up. MUST NOT!

In other news, I feel so lonely. I'm talking to my friend Victoria right now, though, and that cheers me up so much; and I also have Victor2, who lightens most of my mornings at work on Gchat. I was able to meet up with W today, too, for lunch, although mostly to review my cases. But I cherish those moments, I learn so much from him.

I've had moments of weakness regarding Joseph, when he comes and assaults my mind, but I'm happy to announce I continue feeling ok for the most part. And stopping speaking to JC: best thing I could have ever done.

And the biggest news of the day: my friend Angie is pregnant. One month along. When I read "you're going to be an aunt" I kind of lost it and it took me a while to process it. My first reaction when I knew what was going on: "oh, no. Shit, no". I never agreed with her on getting married so soon and this year has proved me right. And baby is never the answer to improve a marriage; it'll complicate everything more and bind her more to the guy, who isn't bad per se, he's just not someone who should have become her husband.

But...after I noticed that reaction, I promised myself I wouldn't throw any remotely negative comments her way; a few times I've told her I hoped she'd decide to end things, but I'm her friend and I have to root for her and support her in spite of my personal opinion. And so I said to myself, "fuck, just be happy for her! She is going to be a mommy!". And suddenly I got so happy and I started to cry because, hell, my friend Angie is going to be a mom and I just want to fly all the way to where she is and hug her tight and never leave her side and meet the baby.

(These things, however, tickle my...what, biological clock? Mostly, I get worried and heartbroken. My friends getting married and popping babies and I can't even find a guy that strikes my fancy. I'm scared of never finding someone and I hate how life seems to punish women like me, who want to be something beyond Mrs Some Guy. Like, yeah, be smart and pursue graduate studies but the guys you like will always dump you and leave you for someone less ambitious, haha. Fuck you.)

Ugh, I must not complain anymore. I have to keep up the pace and the spirit. Say, a trip to the movies tomorrow by myself is in order.

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