Haunted and hopeful, as usual.
Wednesday, 11.17.2010 - 10:13 pm.

CR scared the shit out of me on sunday morning. Early morning, that is: 4 am. He called me. The call dropped when I answered. In spite of my near heart attack, I put the phone on mute and waited for a minute. He didn't try again and I fell asleep.

When I woke up hours later, I wondered if something was wrong, but I stuck to my reasoning: had it been an emergency, he would have tried again. And yet, I was fixed on an idea: something happened to Joseph. I was even scared that he had died. I had no rational argument to support that, of course. I called CR in the morning, he called me back later. He said he was walking at that time and my number was dialed by mistake. The end.

Ok, not entirely. I've had some flashbacks about Joseph and his wife this week. Intrusive thoughts and painful emotions regarding him dumping me and starting a relationship and a family with her. Still, it's a weak relapse, compared with the intensity of previous ones. Still, it hurts.

When CR called me back, I asked him if he had delivered the Fight Club DVD and replied he hadn't. I didn't mind much but the part of me that does mind only said "Dammit!". But I try not to give it too much importance, thinking that it will arrive, sooner or later.

Fuck, I miss Joseph so much. I long for him. I wish he was around, I wish we got back together. But it's just wishful thinking, I allow myself to feel that way because wishing so won't cause it to happen. And deep down, I don't want it to happen...he has a kid. That's a cute baggage no one has to deal with, other than his own mom and dad.

I've been listening to Incubus and it takes me back to his bedroom. In fact, it is until now that I realize that's a band he listened to very often. It takes me back to his bedroom, to me, sitting in his couch, waiting while he takes a bath, watching him groom himself. Dancing and singing along, moving his knives, looking for his wallet. Smelling so good. A few days ago I smelled his cologne, can't remember where. But it was a blow to my heart.

And I wonder if I'd feel this way if I had someone. I'm sure as hell that Joseph doesn't think of me, let alone feels any remorse over what he did, busy as he is with whatever is going on in his life as a father and a married man. I think how unfair this is. He was distracted from me and by the time the distraction wears off, he'll have forgotten all about me. He has nothing to be afflicted for regarding me. I am afflicted for him every fucking day.

See, I'm about to fall into the hot topic that is Joseph. Let's get away from him, yes? It's not like talking about him will change anything.

Big 10 inch record puts me in a good mood. Good ole' Aerosmith. Lalalalala.

Ok, I'm better now. Let's see:

- my wrist still hurts and I fear it may be carpal tunnel syndrome. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a doctor.

- I had my patient with the deep brain stimulation device tomorrow, but she canceled because she had to go to the hospital. It was a bummer. Not just the money I will not get. I hate skipping a session with my patients.

- Speaking of which, I finally got JC's cousin to cry during our session; it's an accomplishment in the sense that he trusts me enough to release his emotions and he can begin to solve the psychodynamic knot before we get into cognitive-behavioral business (ah, man, I love clinical psychology). But it's a tough case, lots of child maltreatment involved and his aunt (JC's mom) isn't helping. He turns 15 tomorrow.

- I've been thinking of Joe and fantasizing, but only because he's the only guy in my horizon that strikes my fancy. I saw (FB, duh) that a common friend said hi to him and he said it was time that they went out for coffee or something. It reminded me of his lunch invitation to me and that made me say, "so he does that with friends". He's not a player, he only has one Friend With Benefit at the time. And although that shattered (yet again) my world of fantasy, it made me happy that at least I am a friend. Except I can't ask him to hang out because I fear he may suspect I like him and his actions (or lack thereof) have made clear that he has no interest in me.

- My thesis proposal to apply to the Chilean university must be done by tomorrow.

It's raining. It's November. It shouldn't rain in November. It's been a colorless month, compared to last year, when I had JC and everything felt kinda sorta magical. And you know, I should feel some joy since it's nearly december but it's all gray and a little sad. Nothing is happening. Something will. Something good, soon. I hope.

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