I miss you but I choose distance.
Monday, 11.22.2010 - 9:03 pm.

Yesterday I was browsing someone's pictures and I came across one of this person with some friends. Those friends included JC and his girlfriend. They weren't next to each other but they wouldn't be in the same picture if they weren't dating.

It hurt my pride. Deeply. Seeing them together is very hurtful. Days ago, I'd been missing JC, I even thought about talking to him sooner than planned. Around this time last year, we were having an unbearable sexual tension and were on the verge of major physical encounters, not to mention a hardcore chemistry that I'd never experienced with anyone before, to the point of being glad that Joseph was out of the picture (I know!). I was thinking about that a couple of nights ago; about, for instance, our first kiss on December 2nd. The best, longest kiss I've ever had. And the kisses and foreplay and (one-time) sex that followed.

And I said, "so, wait: do I miss my friend JC or my lover JC?". I could have had a friendship with him after our phase as lovers if he hadn't made a rebound girl out of me. It would have been great to remain friends; I was able to fall out of love but the intellectual chemistry was still there. However, this night in particular, I missed him in a romantic way. See, I loved him. I fell in love with him, and rephrasing what Steven Tyler says in the Aerosmith autobiography, there isn't a guy in my life that I've loved that I still don't feel for. If JC came back tomorrow and asked me to give us another chance, I'd probably say yes. And it's great that he won't come back, then, because he doesn't deserve another chance.

So where were we? Ah, yes: my hurt pride. I felt so, so deeply hurt. And so I grabbed my phone and deleted his phone number. I'm not restoring communication with him in January, like I said I would. I'm not speaking to him again*.

* I'm refraining from saying "never", because time and distance might work in mysterious ways and make me change my mind some day. But after all that's happened to me in this regard, and in this moment of my life, I really can't find a reason why I would want to talk to him again.

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