Tuesday, 11.30.2010 - 7:44 pm.
Until a few days ago, I'd say I didn't care much if I didn't get the Chile scholarship: "well, it's not really the program I would have chosen, I chose that one because it was what they offered". Classes are three days a MONTH and it's a master's in psychology...just psychology. I'd seen more attractive programs.
But today I had to wake up earlier to pee in a cup and then take the sample to my aunt's lab, where I also got a blood sample, all before work. This for the medical check-up section of the scholarship application. I went to the doctor's yesterday and all was fine but the form required lab tests. It's been a long 24 hours, I couldn't wait to be over with all this, and yet, it was a huge exercise for my patience.
Now my application is complete! A set of originals, two sets of copies, one digital copy. I still need to get copies and scan the medical check-up. The application shall be submitted on Friday.
And I was saying, I used to say I was happy with just the opportunity and if I didn't get the scholarship, it's fine, I'd try again. But after literally putting my blood into it, and the hell that comes with putting all the paperwork together, I'll probably cry and slice my wrists open if I don't get it, out of sheer frustration. Two years of applying to scholarships, one after the other...God, I'm so exhausted. I don't want to do this anymore, even if the scholarship I've wanted the most opens in January. What I'm applying for is not what I originally had in mind, but if I get it, it'll be just as good, if not better than my dream program.
Damn, what a painful way to learn lessons on perseverance and the value of things. But I've learned! Can I go study abroad now? Please?
I've been getting way too confident, thinking I'm actually leaving the last week of February next year. I don't like that, I must not be so hopeful. I may win it, I may not. It's like with guys, you know, I have the same fear. By now I know they offer you everything, you trust them and then they run away to give it to somebody else.
I'm so nervous. Aside from this "I should be hopeful but not too much" trouble, I find myself in a hurry to get out of here. I love my house, I love my family, my friends, I appreciate the good life I have, I'd hate to leave my dog and my cat and my bedroom and my treasures. But yeah, I need to leave.
I need to leave some people behind. Joseph being at the top of the list, although he's a state of mind more than anything else. But I'd like to be so far away that it's physically impossible to have the chance to run into him or people we both know. I'd like to leave JC behind, while we're at it. And leave without telling, say, Monica, because as it turns out, I'm sore about how she never tried to get back in touch with me (I'll be buying the White Stripes DVD again...I don't think that her losing my DVD would be grounds for cutting off a friendship that was very promising, but maybe she does, thinking I'd get mad. Or maybe she just found more interesting people to hang out with. Truth is, I needed her more than she needed me).
Ok, so everything goes at its own pace. I can tell you I'm ready to leave, something I couldn't have told you months ago. Frustration, a vision, and the burden of past wounds are great fuel. But that's when I start getting hopeful, "maybe this time it will happen", and yes, maybe, but maybe not.
And I'd love more than anything to submit this application and forget about applying for a while, a long while, but if I'm not chosen for this one, I have to apply to the U.S. scholarship in January. Frankly, tears pile up at the thought of it. Have I said how exhausted I am? I'm so overwhelmed by accomplishing scholarship requisites that today I cried just because I ran out of staples when preparing the set of copies.
And in this sensitive emotional state, I felt lonely. So, so lonely. Everyone seems to have their little group, a place to belong. I have people to hang out with but usually, I'm the one who has to ask for their time. And one of these days, Victoria, bless her heart, acknowledged how everyone always assume I have a car and go "oh, she'll get there on her own". It wasn't until Joseph broke up with me that I realized that this bothered me. I don't mind being the driver, I like it actually, but it would have been nice to be taken care of from time to time.
I know a lot, A LOT of people care about me, but I still don't feel like anyone's priority. And I got this urge to leave without telling anyone, or just very few people, and closing down my FB account and disappearing, and start all over in a new place, or at least take a break and be missed by people. Then, continuing the drama, I figured, "hey, if I go abroad, it'll probably be the same". Going abroad wouldn't magically solve my problem of having a well-defined circle of friends. In fact, it'd make it worse.
I know most suffering doesn't come from reality but from our perception of it. And some days ago I promised myself I would stop complaining so much. Then, on Sunday, I said, "man, I have no one to go out with today". And that wasn't complaining, that was stating a fact. Sometimes I can't draw the line between both.
But still, I figured I wasn't trying hard enough. This afternoon I was leaving the doctor's office with my form finally filled, accomplished but bitter about all the things I had to do and all the energy-sucking effort it took, and something told me: stop focusing on all the things you have to do, be glad you have the means to do those things! After all, the doctor didn't charge me today (today was just filling out the form, he charged me yesterday). After all, my aunt owns the lab and didn't charge me, either. I have so many things to be grateful for, I just have to stop whining and be more mindful.
So I was giving myself this pep talk on my way home and I cheered myself up and stopped being so weak. When I got home, I checked my e-mail and Victoria had written me. It's amazing, that "damn, God answered me right away!" feeling. It was just a few lines, asking how everything was going with the scholarship paperwork, "sorry I don't even say hi or goodbye in this e-mail, I have so little time lately!". Which made it even more valuable, she took the time to write and ask how I was. Aw, man!
I sent my reply and then I received a new e-mail. From...JC. Still reeling from the comfort of being written to, thus knowing someone's thinking of me, I wasn't so harsh. He wrote to suggest ways to approach his mom (the caregiver of my patient, JC's 15-year-old cousin). But then...I know it's nothing but good intentions on his part but Jesus, man, stop contacting me! And by the way, I already tried those approaches.
Anyway. November ends. It was considerably better than October and it's left me more hopeful and stronger than usual. This is still a Joseph Month, he hooked up with his now wife two years ago; he broke my heart everyday. But I've healed pretty well by now...still hurts, but not if I don't dwell on the subject for long.