Four boys, a worrisome caregiver and supporting a great cause.
Saturday, 12.04.2010 - 12:28 pm.

I had a horrendously boring friday night. I'd decided to stay home, I could say it's because I want to save money and there are crazy people out in the streets. But I just didn't have someone to go out with. I have a short list of people to ask: some would say they can't, some would say yes but would ask me for a ride or tell me to get there on my own (wherever "there" is). I don't know, I'm sick of it.

I stayed home and watched Dawson's Creek, since I've decided to watch all of the seasons, but you can only stand so much of hyperverbal teenage drama at the time. There was no one to talk to online, until I found a friend. I met him online this year, through blogs, twitter. We've met a couple of times for coffee and sometimes he sends me comic strips or videos or advice on computer matters.

He entertained me for over an hour. He's pretty interesting to talk to, I think we have a wonderful intellectual chemistry. He has a nice sense of humor...he's a geek but very open to hear (or read) me talk about the neurobiology of sarcasm and to consult Google for further information.

I suspect he has a crush on me and I've considered taking a step further in his direction and see what happens. But you know what I'm lacking? Lust. I like him a lot, but then the thought of physical closeness with him turns off anything previously turned on by his wit. He's not bad-looking, but I guess my body doesn't agree with my mind. And so, I'm just thankful for finding him online last night and for him sweeping away the loneliness and making me laugh.

Also yesterday, I saw a guy I hadn't seen in years. A decade, maybe? Damn. Let me fill you in, for the sake of the old times: Will and I attended english classes together. I have no idea when exactly...I must had been in middle school because I remember he was in high school and was a couple of years older than me. But it wasn't just him, there was another guy whose name I just cannot remember. So these two guys, they were the popular ones in my class. Right, in a class of 10 people or so, but still. They had that certain profile, I figured they were popular at their school, too.

Since I saw them only on Saturdays, I had on crush on each of them every week. One week was Will, the next week was the other guy, and so on. They had a couple of girl friends in our class and they hung out with them mostly...but then they started hanging out with me, too; yay. One of these girls' name was Norah. I remember because, years later, when Joseph and I were dating, someone told him she had died in a car crash. Turns out he knew this girl. And also knew Will.

They were nice to me and perhaps considered me a bit smart. Then I quit those classes and lost track of them. The other guy turned out to be the best friend and next-door neighbor of a classmate of mine so I saw him a few times. I ran into Will at the university a couple of times, too, that's when I learned he and Joseph knew each other. In fact, both went around the world carrying the same nickname, "madman". Classy, I know. But Joseph, insane indeed, worked hard to earn the title, you just had to listen to his stories. I don't know what Will did.

These past years, I've seen Will a couple of times in my neighborhood. He strikes me as the typical male, getting a degree in whatever, with a very traditional vision of women, someone who enjoys getting drunk. I think he's in the automobile business, because I've seen him at a car repair shop, and yesterday (all the previous ramble for this), he was talking to some people nearby a car with a "for sale" sign, like a block away from my house.

I thought of stopping by and saying hi but I refrained. Maybe he wouldn't even remember me; although Joseph once told me he said he liked me when we were classmates but that's the story of my life: a lot of guys that were in my childhood and teenage life approach me now that we're adults and say "hey, I used to like you". It frustrates me and it puzzles me, because I was very awkward looking, really. For starters, my taste in personal appearance was basically non-existent.

Anyway! I fantasized about what would have happened if I'd talked to Will: I imagined going on a date to catch up and stuff (oh, man, can you tell I'm a bit desperate to go out?)...yes, hilarious. I took my dog for a walk some time later and hoped to see him there but he was gone. A voice in my head said Well, there goes your chance. And another voice replied Of what, of getting date-raped?. That wasn't my fantasy talking. That came from my gut, based on my impression of him. A far-fetched and likely unfair impression, after all, but there you go.

You know, I also ran into the other guy a couple of times, a few years ago, I think shortly after Joseph dumped me. It was two times in the same week and I thought that must had meant something: once at the mall, once at a convenience store in a gas station. He gave me his e-mail, it was the same e-mail I had when we were classmates. Then I remembered why we lost touch in the first place after I quit classes: my e-mails to him always bounced.

Well, that was a nice trip down Male Memory Lane, right? A very lame one, like most of my trips there, because nothing happened; I just liked those guys but I think they weren't my type at all. I don't know why seeing Will stirred all these memories in me, but it was interesting and surprising retrieving them. I have quite a bad memory, so, by the way, I'm so glad I have this diary.

Speaking of reliving the good times, I saw my pictures with JC last night. I laugh at them but in a frisky way. I can see the passion that fueled that amazing make-out session in the bathroom of the B&B we went to last year. That's probably one of the craziest things I've ever done, running off with him to the mountains for a weekend (which probably says a lot about what a bore I am). We went on December 12th, so shortly it'll be a year since I had sex for the last time. But that's ok. Kind of...I was hoping to get laid at least once a year, but looking at my history with men, it's no surprise I can't live up to that simple expectation.

One more thing about the past: I've been cleaning up my bedroom this morning. I found a belt Joseph gave me; and all of the stuffed toys. It was strange. I found the belt and put it on to consider giving it away, and only when it was on I remembered where it came from...and I felt the urge to just rip it off me. I got over it. I think about him everyday but this was a very concrete proof of his existence...or his former existence in my life, anyway.

Now, enough with the past, on with the present:

I'm annoyed and angry at JC's mother, the aunt of my adolescent patient. She's always getting our appointments mixed up. I was going to see her today, we talked over the week that it would be in the afternoon. She tells me today that she can't and she thought it'd be in the morning. Her mind only sticks with what's convenient for her when it comes to appointments and I'm always the one who has to be after her. Of all the obstacles to achieve a good result in this process with JC's cousin, it's her who concerns me the most. The only reason why I don't drop this case it's not JC; it's his cousin himself, who has a life of constant emotional, often physical maltreatment. I don't want to leave him alone.

But to end this on a happy note, I'm going to a Christmas party this afternoon, hosted by the animal shelter from where I adopted Pichu, my dog. I wasn't going to go, I actually wanted to go to a concert. But here's the thing: going to concerts, as awesome as they are, make me feel like I don't belong there...I rarely know anyone except for my companions (and I had yet to find one for tonight) and I never meet new people. I go and sit/stand up and listen to awesome music. That's cool, but this party offers me the chance to socialize more, with people who love cats and dogs and work to give them the life they deserve.

Most importantly, I've always been more of a slacktivist, if you will. I care for a lot of causes but the most I've done is to write about it, give a click or sign a petition (just once, when I adopted Pichu, I donated money and some dog supplies). This is my opportunity to actively support a cause I really, really care for, perhaps find ways to be more involved. And I'll get to meet awesome people who rescue and/or give dogs and cats a loving home. And hey, maybe I'll find Blackie there. She wrote about adopting her dog and made me want to adopt even more.

So, I hope to have a good time. I'm in desperate need for one.

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