Thursday, 12.09.2010 - 10:47 pm.
I'm quitting my job in January. I've been concerned about making that decision for weeks, maybe months. Well, I made it. Now I'm concerned about what I'm gonna do afterwards, while I find something else.
I only work as an executive assistant (ugh, even the mention makes me sick) because nothing else on the lines of my career has come along. But also, I haven't applied to that many jobs: I suppose I had the luxury of saying "I'll pass". I've gotten too comfortable: there is my part time job that I hate and pays very little but allows me to become a clinical psychologist and see patients at my clinic.
I'm taking a huge leap here, I'll be losing the little steady income I have. I'm praying I'll get the scholarship at the end of January but I hardly think I will. I'll start using my savings and the little money I make from the clinic while I search for opportunities: either a full-time job or volunteering at some place.
I'm excited, relieved, scared.
I'm also a little worried about my finances. I have my savings but this year I've had the tendency to spend a lot more than what I earn, especially now with the gifts for the holidays. I keep track of all of my expenses, though, and luckily, as anal-retentive as I am, I'm not a big spender. The bigger numbers are made up from filling up my gas tank, paying the clinic's rent and services, bills, etc. Grown-up stuff. I meet up with friends at humble places so the occasional coffee or meal doesn't hurt my budget. Yay for that.
I was looking back on this year a few days ago. Compared to the emotional hell that was 2009, this one was relatively safe, except for the first months with JC. What Joseph did is starting to get blurry, in the sense that sometimes I don't recall if it happened a year ago or two years ago. I did not talk to him this year at all, unless you count the letter that God knows if he already got.
I got rid of Art...he didn't mean much of a real heartbreak as much as he meant getting hurt and disappointed as a friend. I stopped talking to him because he led me on to believe things that weren't true, he created a make-believe; he turned me into something to mentally fuck with. And then "dumped" me as soon as he realized it was a game he couldn't control anymore. And above all, I stopped talking to him because he will never, ever understand how all that hurt me.
Then there's JC...sure, I talked to him this year. He was probably the biggest source of heartbreak this year and I saw more of him (and his girlfriend) than I would have asked to. At this point, I'm just happy that we're not speaking to each other and I don't plan on changing that. That's the only comfort I have left from our once-amazing relationship.
You could say that I've managed to not just survive 2009 and its sequel 2010, I'm actually thriving. The most pain comes from my own mind these days, when I remember things...out, in the real world, nothing is going on that causes me to break down. Sure, Joseph still has his happy family, Art will always say I blew things out of proportion, and JC is still dating his longtime girlfriend. But, you know, whatever. It hurts to know that the things that broke me continue to exist, that they all got away with shattering me without having any consequences; but I've been inoculated with these things by now.
Now, the sad part of nothing going on in my romantic life is precisely that. Of course, I do not want to go through another Joseph, Art, JC (and The Guy and D, for that matter) again...I'll probably have to someday, but just for the record: do not want. The problem is that also nothing good is happening. No one has come along. Not to say I haven't had guys who like me, not to say I haven't been attracted to anyone; but both things never happen with the same person.
I realized that today, when pursuing my lame goal of watching all of Dawson's Creek. Two characters have fallen in love and they're taking turns in reading aloud some book. How incredibly cheesy, I thought, and then I started to cry. Because I wanted like to be in love with a guy that is in love with me, who, as a plus, would read, say, Fight Club aloud for me.
But hey, that's how things are. That's how my love life in particular is, I'm not lucky when it comes to finding a partner. It's either getting torn apart everyday, like in 2009, or sitting alone, like in 2010. I had a hard time letting go of Joseph, even with the inherent devastation* he entails, because deep down, I knew it was either holding onto a pain that filled every corner, or facing emptiness. But emptiness is not so bad, is it?
* To say that Joseph broke my heart is an atrocious understatement.