In an interesting turn of events, this silly 2010 resolution is now accomplished.
Thursday, 12.23.2010 - 1:28 am.

You know how I said, a few weeks ago, that I would have liked to get laid at least once this year, which was a very emotionally and sexually dry year, and that I'd accepted it wasn't happening?

Well, it happened. Surprise!

Q and I went to have dinner with my friend Victoria, her brother (Q's friend) and my other friend Michelle. He and I excused ourselves at 9:30, saying I had to go finish packing. I wasn't very sure if he was up to it, or if he stopped by the pharmacy to buy condoms as he said he would the day before. In fact, I'd felt him a bit distant during the evening and I feared the JC curse may happen all over again: the guy I'm so hopeful about, tells me to end things the night before I take a plane.

But he held my hand under the table at Victoria's house. And told me he stopped by the pharmacy. When we came home, we had some warm-up action in the living room, until I figured: "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL", and brought him to my bedroom.

Ok, sexually, the experience wasn't so good. I suck at sex. I was frustrated because I thought I'd learned a few things with Joseph, but it was me failing all over again. I tried to relax but he couldn't get in without hurting me. Heck, I couldn't even figure out where the phallus exactly goes, and I wasn't going to google it right then.

But Q was very gentle, a gentleman, really. He seemed frustrated, too, but he kept trying. He was very careful about the condom and at some point he said he'd change it to avoid infections. What a nice guy, eh? We still fooled around and everything. When he finally scored the right place, we got lost in the action and then I was happy. It felt so good.

Let me tell you about the beautiful part: we were in the dark, and when I took off his shirt, he was on top of me and his God, you can tell he goes to the gym. Remembering a conversation at Victoria's house, we half-joked and told him, "'re Brazilian, huh?". (his mom is from Brazil) And he nicely asked me if I'd ever done it with one and if I wanted to try. Also, he had been drinking whiskey earlier but the smell was soft and it actually made it all kind of sexier.

It wasn't easy, though. It was incredibly painful for me, being ripped apart like reminded me of the first time Joseph fingered me and it felt like rape. It reminded me of my first and only visit to the gyno, that felt like rape. I know, I see the pattern. But I tried my hardest to not let that pain take over me and just played tough, until the pain went away and I actually started to enjoy it. I wanted to please Q.

Funny thing is, he said I could tell him anything; if something wasn't bothering me, I had the right to tell him to stop, and not sacrifice myself just to please somebody else, "whoever is by your side". I told him I was scared, my body betrays me when it comes to sex, and I said I'd totally understand if he was frustrated and didn't want to see me again after this. The only thing that frustrates me is hearing you say those things [about stop seeing each other].

So it was a relief, and in general, we just stuck to exploring. We tried again without success but he said that just meant we needed more practice. He said we'd need to talk about the second method we'd use to protect ourselves (besides the condom), and I replied that first we should be concerned about finding a place to actually put that protection to use. My house won't be to myself for more than just a couple of weeks after I return from Houston.

You know the best part? That even after all that, we nearly fell asleep. And we were just cuddling in the dark when out of nowhere he told me, I like you. I smiled so hard. Um, yeah, usually I like to hear that before I even get to first base, but by now I've learned that my wishes are shipped in unexpected packages. And, like I said, my wishes have a price tag. Perhaps I'll be walking funny for the rest of the day, but it was worth it.

We got dressed past midnight and he left. But he left the key to his house in my bed and he'll stop by to pick it up tomorrow, early morning. Freud would say he left it for a reason, only found in his unconscious: to see me again. Oh, teh lulz. Let's say he just dropped it.

I'm a little nervous about Q, and right now I can only hope he will still be interested in me when I return. Also, he made me realize how much I talk about Joseph. Yeah, yeah, I know I do in here! But I was telling him something and he asked if I could not mention him so much. I know Joseph is a ghost in my life, and I'd had this urge to tell Q all about him, because he was and still is so important to me...but I ask myself, what for? How would I feel if he talked about an ex of his the way I want to talk about Joseph? I want to be honest with Q in everything, but maybe it's best to keep quiet about Joseph until I'm required the opposite. I think that will also be of some help for myself.

Alright. I have to take a plane in a few hours, so I'll get to bed. I'm going to Houston to see my family; I'm worried about leaving my dog and cat but I'll trust they'll be safe and taken care of. I'll spend nearly 10 hours in the airport until Brother #1, his wife and my niece arrive in another flight, but I'll manage...maybe even I'll write an entry from there.

Wait. Tonight (err, last night), also, I got a text from Lighthouse wishing me a nice trip. It melted my heart, particularly when he says: "I'll miss you". Fuck, how sweet of him.

I'll check in from Houston as soon as possible!

By the way, I told Q: I like you, too.

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