Friday, 01.07.2011 - 11:59 pm.
I've meant to update, but I can't believe how busy I've been. It's a good thing, really. However, I'm tired and I kind of miss having some time to myself.
My mornings are now dedicated to the terminal cancer patients at a small hospital. Everyday I've made a little progress and I guess you could say today was the best day of the week because nobody died. Someone dies everyday. I've had the task of talking to the grieving sons of an agonizing lady, and I've talked to two patients that have become kind of like my friends. The staff is beginning to know me and today I was included in a doctor-patient conversation.
I had Tuesday afternoon off. The rest of the afternoons have been dedicated to my clinic. Wednesday afternoon was spent catching up with my patients' records and reading a lot, and I ended up exhausted. Yesterday and today in the afternoon, I've seen patients and met with friends afterwards. I'm excited because all three cases are starting the cognitive-behaviorist phase.
The rest of my day goes to Q. He comes to my house every evening, except for last night when we went to the movies, to see Megamind.
Since I last wrote about us having sex, we've gotten pretty good at it. Lube helped but I've also been way more relaxed. Wednesday was unbelievable. I'd never had sex like that and even he said I was "amazing". To my knowledge, I just laid down and controlled my thoughts and body but it seems great things were accomplished with just that.
This evening he came over again. I was exhausted after such a long day, but we managed to get into it. I'd never been so close to an orgasm, and that was quite a relief for me, because I didn't think of myself as capable of having a human-induced orgasm and it was taking me a long while just to get off. He, on the other hand, had one. He also had one on Wednesday. He feels bad that I didn't have my own, but given my history with Joseph, I had this awesome sense of pride, that I was finally able to make my man reach the top.
Something that keeps me from losing control so easily, though, is the fear of getting pregnant. I mean, I'm having sex. Real, good sex. I understand, now that I know better, that Joseph wasn't too concerned about me getting knocked-up. But still, you never know. So I talked to Q about it. I asked him what would happen if he accidentally planted a seed in me.
- Q: You wouldn't go to Chile anymore [speaking as if I'd already won the scholarship, which I still don't know].
- Me: No, no...I'm sure I'd still go to Chile.
- Q: Well...then I guess I'd move to Chile, too.
-Me: If I got pregnant, there would be no scholarship. I'm not going to Chile with a baby.
He understood, and that was a shock for him. I explained him all my reasons, which in a nutshell are: that I'd throw away my life and the baby would suffer from a frustrated mother and that it would reinforce my dependence on my family, which is something I've been fighting for for quite a while now. Not to mention, the disappointment I'd cause my family...and myself.
He was shocked, also, that I was explaining him all this in such a cold, rational way. I replied that I was like that because it hadn't even happened...that was just a worst case scenario. I've seen friends of mine get pregnant over the years and while I know they love their kids so much, and I know a parent can still study/work with a baby on board (although with a lot more effort), I also know that, had they been given the chance, they would have waited some more to have them.
Q asked much it was going to cost me studying abroad. I think it's about $30,000 for two years. He said he'd give me the money. He'd do anything to make me keep the baby; pay for my studies, move in with me, watch the baby while I get my degree. I replied I didn't want his money, he would turn into another person I'd be dependent on. Plus, that cost was just me. A baby costs a whole lot more than that AND...when/if I have one or two, I want to be with them full time and not just leave them at 3-weeks-old while I go study.
I'm just asking you what would you do, I said, so we'll know how to handle it if it happens. Like I said, it hasn't happened, but we're taking the risk every time we have sex. Think of this as a pre-nup. You have to know what you're getting into, you have to know where I stand regarding this issue. I would be devastated and I'd probably even consider killing myself if I faced such decision. I know you're a good guy and the baby would also be yours, and you'd love him and take care of him, but the weight of biology is all on me. It ruins everything for me, and thus, I'd probably ruin it for the baby one way or another. I'm asking you because I'd terminate the pregnancy either way. I know you wouldn't support me on that decision, and by your principles, I don't think you'd be able to face me after I did it.
It was tough talking about this, but I felt good by being so honest. He said it'd be hard for him, indeed he wouldn't support me, but in the end he wouldn't judge me or stand in my way. I'm really scared that we're having sex the right way. We use protection (and we'll look for a second option) but you know how these things are. We still carried the intercourse tonigh, which is very stupid. Why does sex have to be so good and then bring about such things, as if it was punishment? Worst part, the woman is always the one getting horribly screwed.
Other than that, I'm ambivalent on Q. I like him, I'm getting very fond of him. But I'm certainly not hung up on me like he is on me. Even though he is quite a catch and a great, caring, supportive partner, I have yet to fall in love in him, or even consider the possibility of doing so.
I suppose I keep comparing. Joseph was not exactly lifetime partner-material, but he awoke something in me, something I think is dead now. Q is a lot like me, and I'm not sure I want someone like me. Not that way. In the sense that we're very quiet, we don't talk much, we have average days, we're not very passionate, extroverted. Joseph was the life of the party, he was always telling stories of things that happened to him.
I don't think I miss Joseph. I don't miss him per se but I wish he could see me now. I thought that tonight when I saw myself in the mirror after sex. See, even my underwear has changed...I used to wear oversized bras and granny panties; Joseph put up with that, mostly, I suppose, because eventually they came off. But now, everything is the perfect size and the right style. Forgive me for saying this, but I looked smoking hot. Q was in the bathroom and I looked at my reflection for a long time, wishing that Joseph could see this. He'd be proud of having a woman like me.
Tomorrow my busy agenda continues, with two patients, lunch with Victoria and a wedding in the late afternoon. I'm not very sure I'll see Q because he has another wedding to attend. I'm about to get bitter about how now I rarely have time for myself but actually, it's nice being this busy with being a clinical psychologist full time, having a great boyfriend and meeting up with friends. Life is awesome.
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