Monday, 01.10.2011 - 11:36 pm.
Tonight, Q took me to his house for dinner. I was very nervous but as soon as I walked in, his sister and mother greeted me warmly. Then his dad. He and I had a long conversation about publishing books, since he's about to release a novel.
I feared I would never be so welcomed by any in-laws that would come after Joseph's parents. But Q's parents are so wonderful. His mother is from Brazil and has an accent I liked a lot; it's so cute how she calls Q with a Portuguese nickname. She reminded me of Joseph's mother, really...even physically. A very kind, caring and fun woman. Q's dad is delightful, too. And his two sisters. Oh, and his toddler niece is adorable and you should see him playing with her.
I felt very comfortable around them and they never asked me any questions. At the dinner table they had the usual family chit-chat and then they included me in this family activity of preparing invitations for the release of Q's father's book. This is a wonderful family.
I've been dating Q for over a week now. It's been perfect. I haven't fallen in love with him but my attraction remains, and everyday I feel like, say, texting him in the middle of the day, as a way to get me through until I see him. The sex is so, so awesome, I can't believe it. He's a great wingman, too, he's helped me run some errands. We move in different environments, his being more sophisticated and upper class (Saturday night, for instance, he attended a friend's wedding that we estimate must've cost at least $90,000), but I think he may like that in me. Victoria says I can teach him so much.
Last night we went for dinner and we had a very interesting conversation about our individual plans for the future. He has his whole life mapped out, although everything he told me sounded like it was for a party of one: by 30, by 35, by 40...But the Party of One thing, with the traveling and the retiring early and the moving back to Brazil was just Plan A. Plan B was the usual getting married and having children and having a nice life, which also sounds great for him.
I'd listen to him and say to myself, "fuck, I don't have a life plan". And you know what? That felt so good, too. I have aspirations and goals and dreams, but losing Joseph and getting rejected for the first time for the Fulbright scholarship taught me so much about flexibility and freedom, and it made me throw all my maps out the window. Regardless, I highly respect someone who does have one.
Q and I haven't talked about our future together; he knows about my application to Chile and I am, and I suppose he is as well, waiting for the response before touching the subject. We're just living the present, a great one at that, and whatever happens next, it's OK. Although, after meeting his family tonight, I'm kind of getting even more fond of him.
***
I dreamed that Joseph called me. It was unbelievable to hear his voice. He was giving me a message, some friend needed whatever. We had an amicable exchange and I believed we could become friends again and put it all behind us.
As we are speaking, I hear a baby (his son) crying in the background. And my heart breaks and I choke. Then he says, I got your letter, you know...? and makes a pause so I can reply something and then we can start talking about it. I hear the baby crying again and I get a huge knot in my throat, and tears pile up.
I reply in a low, blunt voice, I don't want to talk about it. And I hang up. Dear Lord, I hang up.
I guess this dreams tells very well how I'm doing about Joseph.
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