Tuesday, 01.18.2011 - 7:38 pm.
My last entry, on Sunday, was a tough one and it drained me. But it also helped me to get it out of my system (for the Nth time) and reconsider some aspects of my suffering over Joseph. There are things on this subject that I accept and then I don't and then I do again. There are things about which I still act as if they were his doing, when it's all in my head, for he really is long gone.
I felt very upset after writing the entry. Very irritable, moody. Then I remembered my period was supposed to arrive that day. I usually don't get PMS but considering the emotive context I was in, it was plausible. As I was finishing writing the entry, Q called me and that calmed me down. He asked if I went to church, I said no. So then he offered to come pick me up after he went to church, to take me to his house and have lunch together. In the state I was in, I simply felt saved.
His family was at the beach and we had the house to ourselves. I told him I was very upset, chalking it up to PMS, and I asked him if he'd noticed, because I hate to give that away. He said no, and asked me to hug him and when I did he said that indeed, my arms weren't entirely stretched around his body, as usual. He's quite observant.
It was pretty cute seeing him cooking and the meal was great. I helped, but he did most of the work. We had lunch in the terrace of his house, with the view of trees and a playground. It was a beautiful day and we had a nice conversation.
I had forgotten about my conflicts but the physical discomfort remained. I thought we'd take a nap in his ridiculously comfortable couch in the living room and then go to the supermarket. Instead, he managed to turn me on -he doesn't need to do much to accomplish that- and we had sex. I was mortified that I hadn't brought the last condom I kept in my drawer, but he had more at home; such a good boy scout. It was in a very awkward position, in another couch, in the TV room with no windows (just in case). He is so, so good.
And after that, I was happy. Not for just the sex, the whole afternoon had been very healing. I think it was Somebody's way to remind me that in the aftermath of a devastating break-up, I am doing great, much better than I would have dared to imagine.
Then we parted ways because Q had to work and I had to meet up with my friend Victoria. I was hoping she'd tell me more about her encounter with Joseph on Saturday night but she spent our time telling me about her new boyfriend. I had this urge to discuss my stuff but frankly, her topic was much more relevant. I'm so happy for her. After an awful couple of years for the both of us, job and romance wise, we now look at each other and say with a smile: "things are looking up".
She came to the supermarket with me and we didn't touch the Joseph subject. Funny, I met with my friend Michelle this afternoon and I had the same urge, but she went on about her own boy problems (which she has plenty of). I suppose it's for the best, talking about my trauma over Joseph is like beating a dead horse.
Sometimes I'm shattered when I hear Victoria or Michelle talk about her exes. How things weren't right, how they were annoyed by this or that in them, how they just felt nothing for them anymore. And it's a slap in my face because that's what Joseph felt about me. One wants to think he broke up with me and went nuts afterwards. But the truth is, he did fall out of love with me. He couldn't bear with me anymore, I became a burden. Victoria says he seemed genuinely happy when she ran into him on Saturday. And me, I'm in despair over that.
I must try harder to focus on me. Joseph and his family will always be around, they'll always be "better" than me and he will always think that dumping me was the best thing he could have ever done. I insist on thinking about them, when I'm actually not bad myself. I suppose I'll get to this once the shock of having heard from him yet again wears out.
Anyway. I saw Q later on Sunday night, but he just came to my house and took a nap. I haven't seen him since because he's had to stay at work and comes out at 10 pm. I'm upset about that but that's good! I miss him! I love to find myself having feelings for him, and believe me, I do. I'm not in love but I like him so, so much, and these days I've felt the need to be with him. He looks a little like George Harrison and for me, a Beatle fan, that's a plus. In every aspect, he's slowly winning me over.
On the less bright side, I'm late. I didn't get the period on Sunday as I thought I would. It's normal for me to be late, regardless, but I fear the cramping I've been experiencing these couple of days is more, like, implantation cramps. I try not to freak out, we've done it responsibly. However...you know; we've done it. That alone is a risk. I'll give it until the weekend.
I've had the same dream of seeing Aerosmith twice, on Sunday night and last night. That is awfully strange, because it's the same general pattern: I'm at the arena, with either my mom or my sister and other random people, waiting for the concert to start; I'm killing time but the things I'm doing might keep me from witnessing the beginning. There are specific details but I'll skip them. I wonder what it means. My best guess is that I'm anxious about the results of my scholarship application to Chile (how about we add, that such results, if positive, may be flushed down the toilet if I'm pregnant?). I should be hearing from them one of these days.
On Monday night, I had a dream with JC. We were at some family celebration in a church, he was going to baptize his...son. I was reluctant to talk to him but I got over myself and my resentment for him, to the point that I ended carrying his baby. I asked him if he had the baby with Melissa (his girlfriend, before and after me). He said no in shame and pointed out at the mother, some random girl. I figured he'd screwed up. When I woke up, I thought about JC. He's a good guy but I don't feel the need to have him back in my life. Worse: I dreamed of having an unplanned baby.
Oh, hey, my birthday is tomorrow. Looks like it'll be a significant improvement over the last one (with a distant JC and a Monica on the verge of breaking up), and, of course, much, much better than the previous one (with Joseph in my living room talking about his girl). I'm impressed by the number of people who have already brought this topic up. I'll go for coffee with my friends Victor1, Virginia and Emilio, and then I'll go for dinner with Q, Lighthouse, CR, Victoria + boyfriend, Michelle + boyfriend.
Birthdays seem like a nice occasion for things to go wrong but I don't ask for much. In fact, I'm going to fucking quote Joseph here: what else could I ask for? All in all, it feels like I have it all, and I couldn't be any more grateful.
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