One month to go.
Thursday, 01. 27. 2011 - 8:38 pm.

I am going to Chile in a month. I was notified yesterday in a slightly ambiguous manner, so I went to the embassy this morning to make sure.


I am truly overwhelmed, so forgive my lack of excitement right now. I have, however, begun to get information on the million things I need to do now that I've been accepted.

My family is having this rollercoaster of emotions, as I am. My siblings are proud and pending of every move I'm making's slightly annoying, as I'm barely figuring things out myself, but I appreciate that they're here for me.

My parents are trying to calm themselves but I half-jokingly suggested that they came to Chile to drop me off; my dad jumped at the idea and was all excited but (1) he's not in shape to make such a long trip just to see where I'll be sleeping; and (2) I'm 26 years old. I had to tell him so and I think he took it as a personal rejection because he's been down all afternoon. He does not take these things well and my siblings and I are worried about him. And my mom. I'm still their little girl, the one who was always by their side.

You know, I thought of leaving on the 28th of february. Joseph's birthday. Do you know how symbolic and amazing that would be for me? Or maybe it's not healthy at all to still care about him, especially in such a spiteful way. But anyway, I can't do that. Classes start on March 3rd and I have to be there 3 to 5 days prior. I'll be leaving in exactly a month.

Everybody said this chance was mine. I'm trying not to freak out and not be afraid of anything. I fought for this for years. Life as I know it is truly ending. In a way, after working in a hospital for terminal patients, I see this journey as some sort of death of mine, although reversible. I'll be back in two years, you know, God willing. But see, I'm jumping into the unknown, people's lives will go on without me, and I'll never leave entirely satisfied with the way I handled and left my issues here.

But I guess I'm leaving at the right time. This week I felt how I'm drifting away from Lighthouse and CR (and Victoria): CR seems to be getting out of touch on purpose and I couldn't help feeling a little hurt when Lighthouse untagged himself from the only picture I have of the three of us. I deleted it later, as I'm more careful of what I upload and for either reason, he didn't feel comfortable being identified and I should respect that. We were going to meet up on the weekend but nothing happened either.

Maybe this distance also has to do with the fact that I have a boyfriend. I knew it was a dilemma for me, because both of them had that role in my life for two years but they, I figured, they wouldn't care. Knowing CR, though, knowing that he likes me, he'll probably say it's a sin that he wants "somebody else's woman" (ugh) so it's best to stay away. But it's just a hypothesis. He's really known for going away and making comebacks. I mean, I met him in 2004, through Joseph. I saw him again until 2009.

Speaking of boyfriend...Q and I haven't really talked about me leaving. He knew it was a strong possibility, he was always asking if I had news on that. He congratulated me when I told him and said we had to celebrate. At the most, he's talked about visiting me. But we have yet to sit down and figure out what to do as a couple. It's funny. We haven't been together for a month and it feels like we've been for much more than that...I'm happy with him (I think, maybe that's what Joseph felt for his wife when they started dating, and I get bitter).

I don't want to lose him. Here's the thing, though: he is me, in my relationship with Joseph. I'm the Joseph here: the one who's more affectionate, with more freedom and street knowledge (imagine that!), the one who's making the most sacrifices in terms of effort and schedule: Joseph with my university schedule and the effects of my overprotection; me, with Q's strict diet to gain weight...we really plan our time together around that shit. It annoys me sometimes.

But let's no be unfair. Q's also very invested in this relationship and I can tell he likes me a lot. He's just a little cold, as I was...or maybe as I still am, I may just seem less cold in comparison to him. I'm only freaked out because there's something karmic in all this. But hey, I wasn't the way I was in my relationship with Joseph on purpose; I did my best. And it must have worked somehow, because we lasted four years (I was going to say "...and a half" but to me, there's a period in which Joseph was just *stuck* with me, until along came his damisel in shining armor; their two year wedding anniversary is coming soon, I believe. Ugh).

As you can see, Joseph keeps haunting me. It's terrible. Last time Q and I went to a motel and had amazing sex, I found myself saying "Joseph" in my head. And it's not that I don't like Q, I do, a lot...but his presence is shadowed by Joseph's ghost.

One of these days, I was forced to accept that I am plagued by guilt by many things regarding Joseph. I've spent two years pretty much guilt-free, knowing I did what I could in and for the relationship, being sure that I made terrible mistakes but also that the end of the relationship wasn't solely caused by my flaws. I refused to take the entire burden upon myself. But I've started doing it, now that I'm playing -wholeheartedly- Awesome Girlfriend for Q. I feel so guilty and regretful over Joseph, but the only thing I can do is face those feelings.

But anyway. Q. He looks like George Harrison, you know? I love him, a little. Even though he does not address me (as I didn't address Joseph, while he always called me "love" and stuff; yes, yes, I'm traumatized!), I can tell he really cares about me. He tries to see me every day after work, he still opens doors for me and insists on paying for everything, includes me in his diet-centered schedule and takes me to his house often. I love his family...they remind me of my own, how close and supportive they are with one another. They treat me so nicely, too. I'm inclined to learn portuguese, just because everyone in his family speaks it (his mom is from Brazil, remember?).

I've come to consider him marriage material. But now, with my trip to Chile, this will have to end. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want a long-distance relationship either. To me, that's not a real relationship. I don't know what I want, other than for him to come with me but that's impossible...and again, it takes me back to Joseph. How, in the end, he said that was my dream, not his. He was right. Although I resent that he played along with the idea of coming with me for years and gave me false hope. Perhaps he meant it at the time, until he found out he was wrong by giving me the title of Love Of His Life and withdrew his offer.

State of things: my work at the hospital is pretty tough but rewarding and I have to close my cases at the clinic. I have to start scheduling coffee time with friends. I went to the pharmacy today and started a female contraception method in addition to condoms; now I can enjoy my steamy baby-making sessions with Q (God, he drives me crazy in bed) without actually making babies!

My life as I've known it for 26 years will end in one month, and this month shall be thoroughly enjoyed. Holy shit.

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