Not what you want...
Sunday, 01.30. 2011 - 11:01 pm.

Things are coming along for my trip to Chile. I've started to make a schedule, a budget, a list of things I need to get done before I leave and things I need to take with know the drill. I don't know it, really, it's my first time going abroad to study. But I'm learning and I'm getting more and more excited everyday.

And it wasn't until yesterday that I actually thanked God for this. I'm not what you'd call a religious person, in the sense that I don't follow rituals, but I'm a strong believer and He has always been by my side, as far as I can tell. So I said "thank you, God" a thousand times and things started to feel more real.

I'm not too worried. I'm concerned about getting everything done on time, but that's about it (the most urgent issue right now is working out the visa and how I'm getting the money). I've found a hotel in Santiago to stay for one or two days while I sign the scholarship agreement. It's a bit harder to find a place to live in a place that's 670 kms from the capital, but Q and I found some chances this evening and it made me hopeful.

I've had a wonderful weekend with Q. I brought up the topic of what to do with our relationship when I leave, but we haven't figured it out yet; although we're on the same page, no LDR for us. I have a good idea, but I think we'll discuss this again a few days before I go. There's no need to worry yet. I'm exercising my here-and-now with him and it does wonders.

Friday night was Motel Night. He picked me up early so we had a lot of time to hang out, fool around, cuddle, talk...I didn't know how these things work, I still don't know actually, but I think I had four orgasms in a row. That's the only logical explanation I can find to what I felt. We ended the night having french fries.

Last night he came with me to buy a messenger bag for my trip and then we met for pizza with Lighthouse and CR. CR is drifting away from me more and more; oh, well, I say, life is just following its course although I'm still sorry it is so. He had red eyes and he smelled of pot, and told us an amazing story that took up most of our time together. They both seemed very happy but unsurprised about my leaving, they knew I was going to get it.

Today, I went to the beach with Q and some of his coworkers, but just to have lunch. That took us the entire afternoon and I had a lot of fun. We didn't speak much but they were very nice and asked me about my scholarship (which is, as you can tell, the main topic of conversation in my life right now). A friend of Q's gave us a ride, so it was more relaxed. Except that there was a lot of traffic on the way home. That alone got us exhausted from the trip.

Q stayed for dinner in my house tonight. My family was very nice to him, they already know he's my boyfriend. My mom asks me questions about him and she seems ok with all this, although she handles it awkwardly at times. During dinner, I got up from the table to get something from the kitchen and I heard my family and Q talking. Certainly it's a sense of relief about my boyfriend and family getting to know each other that I never felt with Joseph...for starters, he always refused to stay for a meal. I know my parents seemed and were scary but I invited him several times to try to overcome that barrier, to no avail.

It's perhaps useless to talk about Joseph, yet again, but he's with me all the almost every moment of silence with Q, a thought on Joseph comes up in me. And it's not that I wish I was with him. It's not missing him per se, although I wish he could see me now. It's mostly regret and anger and inmense hurt.

I know he's doing great; you may say I don't really know that, and that may be correct, but from what I've gathered from CR and Victoria throughout these years, the little glimpse I got of his life after me, and just some strong hunch I have, he's doing great. And it hurts me, you just can't conceive how much. It hurts me because all the suffering he put me through seems to be justified by the happiness he found. Like, it's fine he devastated me like that because he's better off without me.

It hurts my pride that I'm that girl in love stories, the one that's an obstacle that the two soulmates must overcome. The one that ends up a loser, and the one everyone wants out of the picture so the lovebirds can be together. I know, I know, I'm being dramatic. But this ocurred to me while reading Q's father's book, about how he met and fell in love with Q's mother. As the story goes: boy is dating first girl. Boy meets second girl and magically falls for her. Boy feels no longer anything for first girl but has a hard time ending things and yet he knows she's just a burden. Boy finally dumps first girl and lives happily forever after with second girl. Everyone cheers.

And yes, I keep talking about this, about Joseph, and it's because the bitterness and the pain don't seem to pass at all for me. Going to Chile may make me get over that entirely but we shall see. Of course I've done everything in my hands to move on and I have done it damn well. But there's something frozen...dead?...inside of me, something beyond my control. The situation itself (namely, the break-up, his marriage and all the mess in-between) was highly traumatic for me. I just can't get over that.

I guess I still can't believe it. I still can't believe I wasn't The One for him, like he insisted I was for four years. I still can't believe I wasn't good enough for him in the end, or that I was too much in a comfort zone, out of fear and habits, to get out to the world with him. I can't believe how easy he had it, how... he has been nothing but fucking rewarded for dumping me. He got a wife that is his match (Remember the last time I heard from him? Victoria saw him at the beach one night: he said he couldn't ask for more, he was out with his wife and having a good time with their friends), a baby boy, he got to travel to Rome and God knows what else. THAT fucks with my head, with my heart. That, right there: he destroyed me and he was rewarded for that.

Just a few days ago, I was thinking how hard I've struggled and yet I didn't get the things I originally aimed for. Scholarship? I was going for the Fulbright one; "sorry, you're not good enough". They rejected me twice. Joseph? He discarded me, "sorry, you're not good enough". He married somebody else. I guess this breaks my heart. These two things were what I wanted the most in life, what I had my eyes set on. Maybe I took them for granted, thinking it'd be very relatively easy to get them, keep them. After all, people always told me I was smart; after all, Joseph always told me we were going to get married and I was the Love Of His Life.

But as I've heard, God doesn't give you what you want, He gives you what you need. I look at the things I wanted so bad and didn't get, even after trying with all my might for years, and then I look at what I got. It's still a pretty sweet deal! I'm going to get my master's degree in South America and I have a wonderful, thoughtful, supportive, caring boyfriend. And it's funny...even if Joseph plagues my psyche non-stop, when I compare Q to Joseph, Q wins in pretty much every aspect you may consider when chossing a partner. This isn't what I asked for, but by the way I feel (happy, grateful, satisfied and stimulated to become an awesome person), I know it was just what I needed.

Say, this was quite the happy ending for an entry that started with a lot of bitterness. See? It's all good.

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