Monday, 02.07.2011 - 9:28 pm.
Last night I wrote in my hand-written journal what happened yesterday and today, two years ago: Fer died; at his wake I overheard Joseph was getting married; I attended Fer's funeral terrified of running into Joseph and his fiance�; and then it turned out he skipped the funeral because of his very own civil wedding. Though I'm not 100% sure if that's the correct date. CR told me so a week later, if I recall correctly, while we were having a snack at a gas station at 10 pm.
That means today would be Joseph's second anniversary. I don't know, whatever. I had a breakdown last night because another friend of mine on FB got married on the same date and wrote a status about it. I figured Joseph would write something similar, about his wife being the most beautiful woman in the world and how happy and thankful he is. And I lost it. I got sick, physically. I cried. I remembered and wrote down everything that was going on in those days. But the last thing I want to do is go back and re-read those entries in this journal.
But I guess the catharsis worked. Because I woke up today and had my mind set on other things. I figured I'd stop going to the hospital today...couldn't do it, but I'll only go for a few more times. I need the time to run errands and prepare myself for the trip but people -patients, relatives, doctors- tell me how great and helpful it is to have me around.
I spent the weekend mostly with Q, of course. He's a very dedicated boyfriend. We went out with friends on friday night. We went laptop-sleeve shopping and went to a motel on saturday afternoon/evening and an orgasmic time was had by all. Yesterday he took me to a beautiful park where we walked around, discussed social matters (I think I may have challenged his ideology a little) and we played checkers on his iPhone. He stayed home with me afterwards and went out for dinner with my family.
He's a great guy. I panicked over the weekend because I didn't feel much for him. The good news, although not entirely good, is that my feelings come and go. He wins me over, I feel nothing, then he wins me over again. Tonight he came to my house to help me do my taxes.
Again, he's a great guy. I don't know if he loves me. He doesn't physically show it but his actions show a lot of dedication and commitment. We'll break up in a few weeks, I want to be the best girlfriend I can be in the meantime.
Today I went out with my high school friend Rod. He picked me up, went for lunch, came with me to the Embassy of Chile to drop off documents for my student visa and then came with me to a travel agency to try to book a flight.
All flights were full the date I needed, the 27th. So I setlled for the only one spot left, on February 28th. So I am leaving to pursue my new life on Joseph's birthday. I can't tell you how good that feels. It's just symbolic. He won't even know when I'm going away but the symbolic dimension is the only one where I can do something about this endless pain.