Monday, 02.14.2011 - 10:14 pm.
Before I begin, let me share the news: my adored friend Angie discovered today that she's having a girl. I am so...beyond words. I wish I could be there for her, and meet the little girl once she comes into this world. She's going to be awesome, funny and gorgeous. I love Angie. She's one of those people that you just know would make your life even better if only she was in the same country as you.
Back to business: I can't believe I haven't written in here for over a week. I could barely say why. I remember long days trying to accomplish small things regarding my trip to Chile; long errands that take entire mornings or afternoons, or many small errands at the same time. I remember being sick, with both food poisoning and a cold. I remember saying goodbye to the people in the hospital and announcing my patients that this week will be our last session.
Meanwhile, I have an amazing boyfriend. Q looks after me as much as he has since we met, and has been incredibly supportive and helpful in many practical aspects regarding my trip. He even lent me his credit card to buy my plane ticket from Santiago to Temuco (my debit card doesn't cover internet payments and I can't get a credit card unless I'm earning a certain amount, when I'm not even working right now). When he's driving and I've forgotten my sunglasses, he tries to stop at the light under a shadow to keep me away from the sunlight. He keeps me warm in the movie theater by putting his arm around me. I tell him I'm sick and when he comes to my house after work, he's bringing me vitamin C and a tea to sleep better.
His birthday was on Friday. We celebrated by having dinner with his family. I got him a happy birthday balloon, a photograph I took of a place we went together and miniature pastry. He's been growing on me, and in turn, he really, really likes me. We see each other everyday and I don't know, it's a wonderful relationship. He's stayed for dinner several times these weeks, my parents and him get into chit-chat. It's all good.
On his birthday, it dawned on me that I was leaving in two weeks. Two weeks exactly from today. I couldn't sleep that night and I had to be at the clinic the entire day the day after. Also, I was very sick. Most of my anxiety dissapeared when we bought the plane ticket, though, and the next night I slept like a baby.
Another thing that keeps me happy is the fact that my friend Victoria is about to get inked. I'm so, so excited for her and can't wait to see how her tattoo will look like. I'm taking her tomorrow night to pay her advance to the artist.
She's going through the same thing I went through in January, that terrible pregnancy scare. I loved how she wrote me an e-mail that said "please, don't leave...", it's the first time I get that. She says it's dawning on her that I'll be away for so long and there are many sensitive topics she can't really discuss with anyone else (such as said pregancy scares). That said, I'll really miss her, too.
I had a pretty relaxed day today. All the running around the last couple of weeks has paid off and most of my legal paperwork is being taken care of. I still need to get a few things for the trip but I pretty much just need to tough it all up and start packing. I'm wondering if I'm supressing negative emotions or if I really am just this happy and excited. Certainly, leaving is terribly difficult and my parents in particular will be so sad. But I think I'll be fine.
Should I talk about Joseph? I shouldn't. But I got bitter once I thought that he was as happy as Angie was when he learned he was a having a baby. Man, I can't ever be at peace with these memories...most of them created, because I didn't witness that part of his life. Good thing! It was devastating enough seeing the wedding pictures.
In fact, I'm bitter and hurt everyday for at least a couple of minutes, thinking about him or stuff he did. It's not by will, these thoughts just invade me, in the best post-traumatic stress disorder fashion. However, these days Q and I have been more connected and that was helping me heal some aspects, like, what would Joseph said (as in, he'd mock me for getting a guy that looks like a geek, he'd say "it's what you always really wanted")...who cares what Joseph would say? I mean, I'm really starting to stand by my man. We only have a couple of weeks before we break up but I said I'd be savoring this relationship and I am.
The thing about Joseph is that I feel there is something left to say. What could that be, I have no clue. I've said it all. I've done everything in my power to recover from the hurt or to learn to live with it. I suppose I'm not in peace with the fact that he got sick of me and replaced me quickly with someone who turned out to be the real love of his life. This hurts inmensely. I truly was in love with the guy.
Oh, and today's Joe's birthday. We're supposed to go for lunch tomorrow but he has yet to confirm. I think it's funny, how I learned to live with liking him so much. We became friends and I'm quite content with that.
Anyway. I don't celebrate Valentine's Day, but for all of you who do, I hope you had a great one. Yeah, ok, I'll take the chance to appreciate all the beautiful people in my life, IRL and online, past and present.
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