Why I don't let go.
Wednesday, 02.16.2011 - 5:44 pm.

Without planning it too much, Victoria and I had a great Girls' Night Out last night, complete with ex sighting.

I picked her up and we went to see my tattoo artist for her to pay an advance of her own tattoo, review the design and make an appointment. In the meantime, they hit it off so well and had funny conversations. Tat guy said we should go out one of these nights as a farewell for me; it would be awesome.

After that, Victoria and I went for buffalo wings. It was wonderful, we talked about her issues, my issues...we had our serious moments and also we had so many laughs.

Until she froze and said "oh, God, oh, God...". She had seen someone. I, of course, thought "shit, Joseph". Although, seriously, this place wasn't really his style. Victoria saw her last ex. The one that was a spoiled little brat in love with her, and ended badly, horribly, because he refused to accept that she wanted things to end.

We thought of ways of sneaking out. The guy and his squeeze, some blonde hottie (of course), were on our way so there was no way he couldn't see us and vicecersa; he had seen us already and was acting all cool. I suggested faking lesbian love or Victoria pretending to be so drunk that she had passed out and I'd have to carry her. We laughed all the while. Then I just told her to get up and walk out. I figured he'd ignore us. Have you ever loved someone so hard that you hated them? It's like that with him. So, as I figured, he ignored us as we walked by.

Then I took Victoria home (and paid Q a quick visit). We laughed a whole lot more. It's been a while since we got together and talked so openly and honestly. I missed that, and I'll miss her when I go to Chile.

Yesterday I also got together with Joe for lunch. I think we have a "when Harry met Sally" type of friendship, although I'm pretty sure we won't end up sexually and romantically involved. But I mean, months go by without hearing from each other but when we meet, we talk a lot: music (his bands, mostly), relationships, our plans for the future...a part of me likes him, probably always will, but I so enjoy being his friend.

After those two meetings yesterday, I've been thinking a lot. Yes, yes, about Joseph. Now I'm trying to separate his choices from me. Like, he didn't get married to piss me off. He got married because he wanted to. I'm trying to understand that all he's done after saying "let's take a break" has nothing to do with me.

But that also hurts. The fact that nothing has to do with me makes me feel discarded. I was special, then I wasn't. Was I ever special, to begin with? Well...yeah, I think so. It's not like he lied to me, he was being honest and really believed I was something else and was in love with me for that. But if he falls out of love, then I tend to think it's because I wasn't that special anymore. I'm not someone he wanted to keep.

And I feel toyed with, too. All the things he told me, the promises...I really believed them, so I feel gullible. I don't think it was his intention to deceive me when he'd tell me I was the love of his life, that he'd be stupid to leave me, that he would never be able to love anyone else. YES, I KNOW A LOT OF GUYS SAY THAT! Gullible. I heard it for four years and he meant it at the time: he asked me to marry him several times. I had all the evidence in the present, that present, to believe he meant it.

So what is all this? Hearing myself talking about Joseph with Joe and Victoria, you'd think it happened a few months ago. HE BROKE UP WITH ME IN OCTOBER 2008! I understand 2008 and 2009, but 2011? Almost three years and it's so fresh for me, I'm still moved to tears when I think he got tired of me, he found somebody else that's so much better, he's got a happier life...

I know the keyword: "think". I think, therefore I feel. And all the things I've said just in this entry about Joseph make me feel like shit, and I think these things everyday. I could control the thoughts, I know how. But I suppose I don't let go because...it'd be like letting him go. Like letting him off the hook, letting him get away with everything he did. He did, anyway! In real life. I still lose because I keep suffering.

I guess I want justice, but there's nothing to undo this damage. There's nothing that can happen or I can do, or he could do, to change anything. I say justice, not revenge. At least I've been capable to never wish him bad. Well, except for my wish that he got divorced, so at least I can have a little claim to fame (the girl he lasted the most with in a relationship) but seriously, don't I want him to be happy?

Err...for what's worth, I don't want him to be unhappy, or to suffer. At all.

But I'm also deeply wounded over how happier he turned out to be without me. It's my pride, right? That's what I meant at the beggining: it has nothing to do with him, it's all about me. But is that wrong? I was devastated, I can't seem to recover from that. It's like Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. He threw me away and got over me so quickly.

Just...stop. Let's stop, if anything, for tonight.

Q is coming over soon and we'll have some time to ourselves. I've been looking forward to this all week long, we haven't done this in about a week. I can see how more and more he's getting hung up on me. Me, I'm ambivalent; I don't think it'll be so hard leaving him. But I'm certainly attracted to him and maybe I'd give him the chance to grow on me if we had the time. He certainly seems like husband material.

You know, I'm just happy to see him, I can't wait to be with him tonight. That's all that matters right now.

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