Monday, 02.21.2011 - 3:20 pm.
I have had the most fun days this weekend. On the side, I'd been having -when don't I- intrusive thoughts about Joseph and I told my friend Victor2 about that. "The one question about this, though, is...are you happy?". And I replied, fuck yeah I am.
In fact, pain and all, Joseph is just a small aspect of my life by now. Friday night, I went out with my friends Virginia and Lorena; saturday afternoon, I went to the beach with Q to see the sunset and hang out; sunday morning, I went to the beach again, with Victoria, her boyfriend and Victor1.
And it's much more than those simple statements. Every one of those three moments lasted for hours, sometimes forever, with laughter, good music, smart and hilarious conversations, beautiful sightings and some of my favorite people in the whole world.
Victoria also got her tattoo on saturday morning, I was happy to witness that. And I'm done with all my patients, all of them made significant progress and were very satisfied, as I was, with the results. Then...I spent yesterday afternoon with CR at a park, talking.
He talks too much, about odd stuff, and perhaps that's why I'm not too encouraged to pour my heart out about Joseph as I usually think I would. Or maybe I am running out of things to say. I couldn't convey my emotions, but just as I was about to begin to cry, Q called me. Maybe that was for the best.
The things we did talk about, CR tried to be reassuring. Sometimes he failed because he'd go on tangents, but every once in a while he said some thing that did soothe me. Also, we revisited our relationship. He saved my life, you know. And he says, perhaps it's true, that I saved his. I couldn't have pulled through so well without him, and without Lighthouse (although I'm sure he's just oblivious to what he's done for me).
There are so many ways to look at this whole Joseph disaster. I suppose I never find a way that I'm fully comfortable with, because I never know if it's an accurate way. But I don't need to know if it's accurate. I can only fight to reduce the invasive thoughts. I can't know what he thinks of me, I'm sure he barely thinks of me at all, just like he'd think of his exes when he was with me; I'm afraid I'm not a very entertaining story to tell. But I'm slowly putting it all behind, I guess.
One week from today, I'll be on a plane. My life changed forever. I'll be starting over, pretty much. And if anything, I'll be without the concern of running into Joseph. CR said he was a stranger to me now, and I should greet him as such, should I ever have an encounter with him. Joseph is a stranger to me.
I had a row with my dad during lunch. I broke down and cried loudly. He, of course, took it all as a personal attack and devalued what I was saying because I was crying. Frankly, he would have left the table if I hadn't been crying, anyway, because that's what he does: he walks away when he's done talking or when you "talk back". Which was the whole point of the argument.
See, I asked my family to go to the beach to have lunch next weekend. He's been hinting that it's dangerous and it'd be a pity if something happened to me now that my journey is right around the corner. I let it pass the first time but this time he took a considerable part of our lunchtime to say it with his particular tragic tone. I'm not going to describe that piece of shit attitude of his, suffice to say I broke down. I cried horribly, loud, I was in pain.
But it felt so good.
It felt so good to finally speak. I didn't even say half of the things on my mind, and as usual many more came after the moment was over, but at least I didn't shut up and I fought back: I'm sick of fearing, he tells me of the dangers of the outside world like a somber cautionary tale. Unlike other times, I don't regret it. Because even though I lost it, emotionally, I stuck to arguments. He didn't understand, but I can't reach that far.
I'm glad I'm leaving home and breaking free from my irrational dad. Don't get me wrong, he is wonderful in many ways, but I tell him I'm crying for much more than his comments about something happening and he says "oh, now we're getting started on what a terrible father I've always been", COME ON!
This hasn't ruined my happiness, although it has me a bit tearful for the time being. My mom comforted me afterwards and I can't believe she puts up with this everyday. My mom is so easygoing and loving and patient, she's an angel...my dad is very hurtful often. Not physically but emotionally. And that is so much harder to prove and point at. He's always putting her down.
I may start getting more emotional these days, because I'm losing my life as I know it. But I'm excited for what's next and I'm certainly not scared. I'm done being scared. Without forgetting, and without losing sight of my goals, I'm living the here-and-now to the fullest.
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