What would my life be without crushing on someone?
Friday, 03.04.2011 - 10:25 pm.

I dreamed of Joseph the night I spent in Santiago. He wanted to hook up with me, he wanted me back, and yet he was still married. I haven't dreamed of him in ages and my last dreams were this way...my ego trying to fix itself, maybe.

I thought about him on my flight to Temuco. Even after over two years of being apart, I love him and I miss him terribly, I wish he could see me and be proud of me. On the other hand, I may very well not see him ever again.

Thinking this brought me to Q. We broke up the night before I left home. I do not regret that. On the same flight, I realized I didn't want to get back together with him, I wouldn't if I had the chance. I don't miss him. I'm grateful for having had him in my life, however briefly...but that's it. I know, he's such a catch, the best candidate I've ever had in terms of practicity. But him committed to me would be a waste, I'd waste what a wonderful guy he is. I just don't feel for him that way.

He's been writing me, I've been writing him back. He suggests we talk over Skype but these nights I've had things to take care of, e-mails and messages to reply to, and I'm also three hours ahead. By the time he gets out from work, I want to go to bed. So it's just e-mails.

I suppose we'll slowly stop talking everyday. I don't want to have strings attached to him, but I'm also giving us some time to mourn and have proper closure...we did have a beautiful thing together and I gotta honor that.

But hey, what would my life be without crushing on someone?

Yesterday was my first day at the master's program and I practically scanned my male classmates. I'm not looking for a relationship, I just like having some eye candy and some romantic fantasy to spice up my already happy days. There are about six guys, none of them are precisely models, but none of them are bad looking either.

First let me say that them, along with the girls, have welcomed me with arms wide open. I get a lot of attention as any foreign student does, but in a good way. They take care of me, look after me, and I'm grateful for that.

So I chose one guy. There were two others that were tempting, one of them looked like a scruffy Jake Gyllenhaal but this actor just doesn't strike my fancy. The guy I chose had long hair and gorgeous green-ish eyes, but then I just wasn't into him anymore. Good thing, because later yesterday I saw him at the supermarket with a woman and a kid. It was cute, though.

Today, for some reason or maybe no reason at all, I started to feel attracted to Jake Gyllenhaal. Yesterday I hung out after class with him, another nice guy named Diego and a girl named Celeste. I went with them to run some errands in campus, talked stuff and Jake suggested we went to the mountain on sunday (pretty much the only attraction in Temuco). I was ok yesterday.

Today I'd glance in his direction often, but there was a steel column standing in the way, so I literally didn't see him until coffee break. Afterwards we had a standarized english test in a computer room and he sat next to me. He grinned at me as he sat down. I think I'm the only one with advanced knowledge on english so I left the classroom first. Then I went to talk to the master's director about the possibility of getting my PhD (!).

I had lunch by myself, first time at the cafeteria where Nicole took me the first day I was here...two days ago and it feels like ages. I lived the graduate student's life, having a weird hot dog with avocado at a yellow table while I read on theories of cognitive development.

As I was leaving the cafeteria, I saw Jake in line to buy lunch. Ah, dammit, he didn't see me. Right then another girl from my class came out of nowhere and said hi to me. I said hi back and perhaps loud enough or, um, accent-y enough for him to notice and turn around to see me. But I kept walking...I left the tray where I had to and brushed my teeth in the restroom.

When I got out, he was having his lunch in a table near the entrance and almost on the way of the restrooms. My ego wants to scream "coincidence not!" but that's just my ego. I greeted him. He got up and asked if I'd had lunch (as my other classmate did, aaaww) and invited me to have dessert. I was full but kept him company.

He, as everyone else does these days, filled me in about life in this small-town-like city. And we happen to share an appreciation for "Watchmen", how cool is that? When he was done eating, we walked back to class but before we stopped by his office. He works at the university, also.

He sat next to me in yet another computer room where we had a workshop on university e-mail, intranet and all that. We didn't speak much for the rest of the afternoon. But in class, he asked a question for me, because the mister teaching was saying something about entering the students' ID and I don't have such a thing. He raised his hand and asked what about foreign students. I thought that was nice of him.

Class ended and I didn't even say goodbye, because I had my mind on getting the exact change to ride the bus back home. I stood outside of the building to finish that and prepare my messenger bag...but yeah, because maybe I'd see him again. He came out of the building minutes later and walked me to the bus stop, and reminded me that I could add him on FB so I could find all of his contact information in case I needed anything. Also, he volunteered to help me buy a cell phone tomorrow, if we get out of class early.

Ok, yes, I like him. Why I think he may like me back: his name starts with J (but it's not Jake)...I know! It's a dumb, irrational reason, but history backs me up on this one. Then, he was interested in hanging out with me. But I have a funny accent so who here wouldn't be?

As usual in these cases, I'll focus on my feelings. I feel good and that's all. It's not like I'll see him often, anyway, we have classes together three times a month. He could have a girlfriend. He could have just been nice to me. Whatever. I'll just be happy to have a brand-new crush. Hopeless romantic, aren't I?

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