Monday, 03.14.2011 - 6:08 pm.
I was very melancholy this morning, the very first time I've felt a little down since I've been here. It has nothing to do with missing anyone or anything...in fact, in that regard, I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I love my family, I love my friends, but I'm not homesick. It could be that I'm very well taken care of here, and I'll get to that soon.
It had something to do with Joseph. With Art. With JC. I don't let go of the hurt and the shame I experienced with all of them. With Joseph this is considerably more intense, of course, but when I recall what he or the other two did, I get bitter. Very bitter.
And I suppose I should seek professional help about this. I must, I said I would, but I haven't. I'm fine, um, 97% of the time, but then something stirs these ugly things in me.
My good friends Victoria and Angel, each on their own way, have mentioned something about getting to say "good for them". And that's my problem: I can't say "good for him", good for Joseph, good for Art, good for JC. I'm thinking I will force myself to say that everyday until I'm convinced. Fake it 'til you make it.
What stirred the sadness this morning was seeing more pictures of the girl -a good friend of mine- Art, um, overlapped me with, of her and Art, who's flown home to visit and be with her for a month (it's a good thing I'm not there). Joseph overlapped me with someone who made him much happier than I did, and JC got back to someone he loved after having a rebound with me. I was kind of hoping the Art case was a joke, as he played it out in the beggining, so at least one of the three guys that tore me to pieces in 2009 wasn't to this date with the woman they left me for. Fuck; all three are in love.
I understand the importance of saying "good for him" (all three of "him's"). It means, quite simply, that I don't hate them. And I don't! I'm very fond of the three of them, each of them for their own merits and the impact they had in my life. I care about them indeed. I don't want them to die or get hurt or have an ugly life. It also means, my life and theirs have nothing to do with each other anymore, thus I'd be free of all worries regarding them.
To my surprise, I found myself missing Art this morning. Art, my good friend. He was very special to me during high school, and after that. And I wondered, would I forgive him if, by any chance, he one day apologized for playing with my feelings? I...honestly, I don't feel capable of that. I'm wounded, and I can't get over the shame.
Not like he would ever apologize. He was adamant that he had not done anything wrong, and by the arguments I got from him, it's highly unlikely he'd change his mind. It was my fault for taking it too serious, huh? My only defense is that I really thought he meant it. He acted like he did.
And so I'm supposed to wish him well. Or be glad that he's doing well. Same with Joseph, same with JC. Worse: I'm not supposed to, I should have achieved that by now. It's been years. Dammit, am I that resentful? I never considered myself resentful.
I'm capable of realizing that I made a lot of mistakes...I took Joseph for granted, I rushed things with JC, I...believed Art. And here's where I can't help but feel that all this hurt is my fault. And there's no better way to make yourself feel like crap than adding some guilt to the mistake, right? But yeah. I feel like I failed them and there were better girls for them to take advantage of my mistakes. Look, I don't think that us parting ways has anything to do with my value as a person (frankly, there also may be better guys for me than Joseph, JC or Art) but it still makes me bitter and it hurts me.
Art and I were all lovey-dovey long-distance (my mistake), without him telling me it wasn't serious. And then he moved on to do the same thing with somebody else, without telling me. I found that out via -of course- Facebook. He is with her still, they love each other, they look very happy. Good for him.
JC broke up with his girlfriend, and did everything you do when you date with me...except we weren't really dating, and when he felt things were going too fast, he dumped me. And returned to his ex. They are still together, as far as I know. Aside from me, the fucking three-month parenthesis, they've been together for what? four years? Good for JC.
Joseph...damn, Joseph. After dating me for four years, he found out I wasn't what he wanted and said we should take a break. Coincidentally (this "coincidentally" stings me), some girl from his past showed up at his doorstep asking for a place to crash. I was just realizing break meant break-up when he married her and got her pregnant. I saw how in love they were then and this is their third year together, with a baby boy in the middle. Good for Joseph.
I'm sorry, I'm not feeling that. I feel pain when I remember, and I remember because it's engraved...it's engraved because it was very painful. Vicious circle, I know. I mean, yes...yes, good for them, but I can't say that without my heart breaking a little. I can't say it without looking back at the reasons why I'm forcing myself to say that. Am I too self-centered? Jesus.
I'll probably won't see these three guys again. Sure, life may make us cross paths in 10, 20 years, but I'm not about to seek such thing, and I'm sure they wouldn't either. I have to understand these things: even if they are aware of the pain they caused me, they'll consider it a reasonable price to pay for their current happiness...a sacrifice, if you will; and they're not as hung-up as I am so I'm not something that would occupy their minds.
They will never apologize for hurting me, there's nothing to apologize for. And even if they did, I think it's clear that it's not in me to forgive, perhaps because I'm aware that an apology doesn't fix anything. They can't do anything for me.
I need to put this in the past. I need to find a way to fix my pride so I can get them out of my way, out of my mind, like they have done with me. I need to stop granting them the power to keep hurting my feelings. THEY ARE GONE. I don't even have to worry about the possibility of running into them and their partners, that alone is a gift.
So, you know, I was thinking all this this morning, while I ran errands in campus and at the mall, under the drizzle. I was riding the bus back home, a little less bitter than a few hours earlier, when I looked out the window and read a sign: "something something of Chile". And I said to myself: Dude, you're in Chile. You fucking made it! What are you complaining about?
And when I got home, to the apartment, I found Jake preparing lunch for the both of us. He's a fucking sweetheart. If he gets up before me in the morning, he makes me breakfast. He's prepared Chilean recipes so I can learn what the food is like. He's always making sure I'm comfortable, I have everything covered. He texts me from work to let me know at what time he's coming home, for lunch or dinner (hey, I cook, too. Poorly, but it's edible).
He's pretty much my boyfriend, minus the physical side. But that may change eventually. Last night we watched Black Swan under the same blanket with the lights out, at night. I felt a lot of sexual tension, I don't know if he felt the same. He must have. He has all these details with me, like knowing I'm a sucker for chocolate or adding a bit of cold water to my vanilla milk.
He treats me right, you know? Me, I'm impressed by the articles he's published and I laugh at his Super Friends t-shirt; what a nerd. He shaved this weekend and forget scruffy Jake Gyllenhaal (from afar) or Sad Keanu (up close), he looks like Joey Ramone, what the hell. And I don't know how well I'd be without him here. He's pretty much the reason I feel so at home. Heck, he gave me a home. He's the reason why I don't feel lonely throughout the day, and in the evening I can't wait to see him again. I guess I was right to set my eyes on him the first, err, second day of class. He's such a wonderful man.