Tuesday, 04.05.2011 - 10:28 am.
I hadn't dreamed of Joseph in a long time. I still think about him everyday but it's the most harmless thing; e.g. I get on the bus and when I look out the window, I think of him...then I look at the cute architecture of this city and he vanishes. I think about him without context and then I'm brought back to reality by the certainty that I'm in the awesomest place in my life right now.
He wasn't in my dream per se. It was about me hearing about his baby getting christened. Then I heard it was going to be done in California (a wink, I assume, at the fact that in any case, it'd be too far away from me to care). A very close, cool aunt of mine told me "Daisy will be there", that's Joseph's mom. I understood he wouldn't travel to be present, his mom would. I also wondered, dear cool aunt, what are you doing in my dream and how do you know anything about Joseph, let alone his mom's name?
Emotionally, this dream has had no impact on me. But I am left to estimate that Joseph's son must be one year old around this time of the year, this month or next month. Sure, I wonder how Joseph's doing these days. And I assure you, I really don't want to know.
I was hoping, or rather, I didn't think I'd have to face this before I started seeing a psychologist. I've been thinking about Joseph, Art, JC and how I really can't forgive them. I'm not hurt by now, I only have the memory of how much it all hurts.
See, Art requested to be my friend (sounds so solemn) again on FB. It freaked me out, I did not see this coming. I chose not to think about it much when it happened, as I was finally focused on studying, but I had to make a decision eventually.
Why I want to add him back: he once was a very good friend of mine and I miss our conversations and in-jokes.
Why I don't think I should add him back: perhaps our friendship ran its course after what he did. And by adding him, depending on what he thinks about our fallout, he may take it as my way of saying: "you're right, I overreacted and I shouldn't have deleted you, let's be friends again", I don't think I overreacted. He played with my feelings and refused to take me seriously afterwards.
What would I do without my dear friends who read this diary, I ask myself. I ran to tell my friend Angel about this and he raised very good points:
You have to be careful with the meanings of your digital actions. Do you think that taking him back as a friend on FB is the same as accepting him as a friend IRL? And if you saw him IRL, how would you respond?
They say forgiving someone isn't the same as agreeing with their actions. You may forgive him, because that's the thing to do, but it's not the same as saying 'way to go, buddy, give false expectations to someone and then use them and forget about them and start flirting with somebody else'.
What do you want out of the relationship with him? Do you think you can be friends again or are you going to end up hiding his feed because you don't want to see pictures of him and C [The girl he overlapped me with over a year ago and ended up having a LDR with to this day; he's currently visiting her and I think she'll also travel to where he lives...California, like I'm in my dream! Too far away to care!]?
So all that brought me to a decision: meh.
I don't feel like adding him back. Most important: I don't have to. I wouldn't add him so he could see where I am these days, I was truly thinking of our friendship. But Angel also said, Personally, I wouldn't add him. I deleted him, actually, I don't care for what he says. And it got me thinking, I really don't care either. And in the unlikely event that I want to be a stalker and see how he's doing, I can always visit C's profile and get a dose of their daily online saliva exchange (one of these days she uploaded a picture of one of her legs resting on his lap/crotch while he was driving, on their way to the beach. Ew).
And there you go. This thing of forgiving is very personal and I've understood is independent of what Art, Joseph, JC may do or do not regarding what happened between us. They may try to contact me, they may even deny they hurt me...I don't care for them much anymore, I just want to be ok and in peace. Maybe I'll discover that I also don't have to forgive them, who knows.
I'm a little sick today, I have a cold. But last night Jake and I went out with some friends of his, most of which I already knew. My first night out here. It was very fun, it wasn't so different from going out back home: a cool bar, great company, the smell of smoke, background music (at some point, a chain of 90's rock songs, awesome!), lots of alcohol and laughing...it was great.
Except that me, I am not much of a partying person and I barely drink, so two hours later, I'm wanting out. I always put on my best smile and keep up with the conversations, but inside I want to go home: the music becomes too loud, the smell of cigarrette smoke too strong, the spirits too energetic for my tiredness. Jake is the same, and I both appreciate that and think it's a chance for the two of us to take one step further and go out more.
We still keep our relationship a secret but I don't want that to go on for longer; however, I guess it'll have to wait at least one more month. One of these days I was telling Jake that Q seems to be waiting for me and he said that if I had any respect for the guy, I should not tell him about us just yet. It's too soon. It got me thinking, maybe Joseph got involved with his now wife sooner than I figured at the time (I figure one month after breaking up with me). Whatever. Keeping it a secret for a while it's the best way to go. I need some time, effort and scholarship money to prove that I'm a great student on my own and that I'm not with him just because I need a place to stay or something like that.