Saturday, 25.06.2011 - 1:09 pm.
Today I woke up and realized 2011 has been the awesomest year I have witnessed in my life so far. Nevermind my own personal journey, which I find mind-blowing and incredibly fulfilling. Just the world in general, with lots of people around the world speaking up for this or that cause. I know one individual has a limited impact on an issue, but, for example, seeing people caring for stray animals keeps me hopeful and inspired to do the same, helping any way I can.
But yesterday I was thrown off and confused for a while. A guy I don't know added me on FB a long, long time ago, he was and is Joseph's friend. He followed my example and chose a 60s Spiderman Meme (I LOVE IT!) as his profile picture and tagged me. I LOL'd. Then he tagged me in another picture that came from a Meme builder.
Here's the thing:
1. It was a, yes, clever comic based on Pokemon attacks but it was about the irrationality of a girlfriend and so the guy ends up sleeping on a couch despite his efforts and his "rationality". Even though I'm aware there's some truth to it, I'm never comfortable with the stereotype that guys are rational and girls are irrational...because I'm aware there's also a fallacy in it. Anyway, that's not it. I tried to take it with humor and continued with my life.
2. Other people were tagged in the picture, including Joseph. Now Joseph goes by his second name on FB. He wrote, in his fashionably poor grammar, that there was so much wisdom in that cartoon.
And that was it.
But not for me, oh, no. I've been great with his non-existence in my life so seeing his name and hearing -somehow- his voice just threw me off. The Pokemon is confused, you may say.
I noticed he had as profile picture the first picture he uploaded with his then girlfriend (when I still thought I was his girlfriend but on time-out...silly me, to put it non-rudely). There are two ways to see it: "OMG, that picture was from over three years ago, have they not taken a new, better one?"; or "aaawww, that picture's a classic, from the time when they got together". Either way, I kept telling myself, it's none of my business, it hasn't been for almost four years now (by october).
Four years, that's what we lasted together. Four years and about six months. I was hoping he wouldn't last that long with her so at least I could have the claim to fame of being his longest relationship. But then I tell myself they have a kid together, and while my wishes do not have any impact, it's lame to wish for a home to get broken, especially with children involved.
It still hurt, but in different ways than before. Like, I thought, joking, "add him back as a friend", and I replied, seriously: "why? We have nothing in common". Which is what he always told me when we were dating. It hurts to think he was right, but it hurts only because that sounds like whatever he did that devastated me, was justified. HELL, NO! I can understand him falling out of love with me and in love with someone else, it happens. At times I felt he was trying to do damage control with me, like letting me in his bedroom one more time to clear things up; but in the end, the way he handled things was just heartless and tactless, even though that's typical of him (sure, be in his bedroom so then he can tell me she'll be home soon and it'd be painful for me to see that).
The other type of hurt is guilt. Looking back, I don't think I was a good girlfriend and that shatters me. I think I failed him a lot when I could have not. I know, I know: I did what I could, the best I could then. But I still feel guilty for not leaving a mark in his life the way he left one in me. Although perhaps the only way to have done that would have been fooling him the way he fooled me. And no, thanks, I'd rather get my heart broken that break someone's heart like that.
The last thing that hurts me comes from the fact of not leaving a mark. I'm an ex, a very dull one at that, in his list. I fear he thinks of me as irrational, too. You regularly don't feel for exes three, four years after they're gone (especially if you kicked them out, there was a reason why you didn't want to be with them anymore), and they're not a memory you're particularly fond of recalling, let alone when you have someone else to keep you busy, plus a child.
How would I know that? I know how he is, he lives in the present and he's in love with somebody else (although by his comment, I'm guessing he deals with "female irrationality" often...if there's a truth to this stereotype, from the little I know, I'd guess his wife embodies it. Hey, even the perfect match for you is not perfect). He was well over me in our last stages together and years have passed since then. There are things he looked down on me, like thinking me too academic, introverted and afraid to break free. I have no clue and perhaps neither does he as to what the hell he saw in me that could remain as a reason to keep me in his memory.
And that's it. I thought all that and felt a horrible urge to draw his attention again. To be in his mind, to make him miss him, to make him feel sorry for what he did. But there was no way and there was no healthy reason for me to do that. Such distress lasted a good number of hours and I let it be. I let myself think those things, wreak havoc in my heart for a while. I wanted to talk about it with someone, I had this desperationg to let it out (hence my pouring it all in here), but I didn't want to to bother anyone with this issue. That is so 2009, eh? Not for me, apparently.
After a few hours, I got back to living and enjoying my swell life. You could say that living well is the best revenge but I don't want to revenge. I live well because I can and because I try (and I'm thankful for that chance). As I've said countless times, there isn't anything he could do to repair the damage or bring me a sense of justice after being so screwed up. Him being invisible to me is all I have.
Whatever, man. My university is on strike, due to national high-school and university students demanding education of better quality. Andrew works in campus and his building was blocked with desks so yay, he's been home with me (and the cats) for two days!
Last night we went downtown for sushi and it was lovely. Except we were nearly at 0�C and I was in anguish over stray dogs. I only saw one and I offered him meat (I always carry some, go figure!) but he ran away terrified. I have no clue where stray dogs go when it's this cold, you just don't see them. It makes me hopeful that they're not suffering so much, but that could be just a silly consolation. Oh, well.