Friday, 01.07.2011 - 11:38 am.
I wanted to write on monday and now it's friday (and yesterday was thursday...). Even worse, it's a whole new month! Heck, no, another month rushed by me.
By looking at my expenses, I had fun (trip to the hot springs? Oh, yes), but I went overboard and spent more than my monthly scholarship. I'm living like a wife, not like a student! I have common expenses with my live-in boyfriend (two cats alone is a lot) and aside from the trip, it was his birthday and I needed boots for the cold and the floods. They're truly expensive but worth every peso. This whole week has been the coldest and rain...iest? week since I've been here, and finally I have no trouble navigating through the streets. My feet get dry no more. So yeah, those boots were a must.
I wanted to write on monday because Andrew and I had a nasty moment. Well, he did and sucked me in. On saturday night he got moody for reasons even he doesn't know, and on sunday he barely spoke to me. I woke up in a good mood that morning so for a few hours I left him alone and did my own thing.
I made lunch because he wanted just oatmeal to avoid cooking. Normally, he's a very creative cook. I knew we'd be hungry again soon so I made something nice instead, hoping to cheer him up in the process. Nothing. Then we went to the mall, to do our weekly grocery shopping.
We walked to where we usually take a collective taxi (works like a bus, only in the shape of a car) but he didn't made the sign for it to stop. "Let's walk instead", he said. I don't mind walking for 30 minutes, and it was a beautiful day. But I got upset that he just decided that and pushed the decision on me at the last second. That was very unlike him.
It was like walking alone. In that sense, I was pretty happy, enjoying my surroundings. But I wasn't alone, really, so in that sense, it was depressing. And we were kind of in a rush because we were meeting a friend of Andrew's at the mall...he informed that after I took a shower, an hour before the appointment. He could've told me sooner so I wouldn't rush.
This friend of his is so nice, and was waiting for us at the mall to pay Andrew something he'd ordered by mail, and to give Andrew a drawing he (his friend) made for him. Then he left. I examined Andrew to see if that had cheered him up. No, still very, very bitter.
He was going to get a haircut but instead we just walked into the supermarket. In there, I made him go get a haircut as planned, because I truly didn't want him around. I took my time to go get a Lovecraft anthology I'd ordered for his birthday a week ago (with no excitement by now, as you can imagine), and I got my awesome boots. We got together again to buy our groceries and not a single word was spoken during that hour, or on the way home, or at home for the rest of the day, evening and night.
When we got home and unpacked the groceries, I rushed to the bedroom with tears in my eyes and spent some time alone. What the fuck is wrong with this jerk? Really, my good mood had worn off and I thought that by now I've been beaten so much, that I'd have no trouble leaving him, as much as I love him. After all the assholes I've been through, I'm not willing to get hurt like that again.
I'd asked him on our way to the mall if his anger had something to do with me. He said no. It didn't feel like that with so much silence in our apartment. He made himself a bowl of cereal without offering me one, which is something he'd never done, and just sat at the computer. I took out the book I got for him and handed it to him without looking him in the eye: "here's the book" (he knew I'd ordered it, because I asked him what he wanted for his birthday; less romantic, much more practical). He tried to make eye contact but I turned around. Minutes later, he got up and dissapeared. He had gone to bed, and it was only about 7:30 pm.
I remembered what I'd written in my last entry, Joseph aside: how guys sleep on the couch after an irrational girlfriend kicks them out. I'll tell you what, guys can be equally irrational. Hell, Joseph himself used to say he was the girl in our relationship, he was the emotional one. And yes, Andrew was being incredibly irrational so I slept on the fucking couch that night.
That is, until he came to collect me in the middle of the night. Beyond my thoughts throughout the day of pretending I was living alone, how he was behaving like a jackass, and me moving out if this continued, I was certain he was going to be terribly sorry the next day. And not finding me in bed scared him. I didn't mean to, I just didn't want him around...in fact, I thought that with my brand-new shoes and five layers of clothing, I could go out for a walk at such ungodly hour of the night. But he woke me up and told me to come to bed. I should've said no, but I was uncomfortable and cold, and hey, it's my bed, too.
In the morning, he cleaned up the kitchen. He offered me breakfast and I said no. He sat on the bed as I stood in front of him, he held my hand and began: "I don't know why I was like that yesterday...it was a terrible day". I removed my hand and walked away: "TERRIBLE. You didn't speak to me almost the entire day".
I avoided him for a good part of the morning because then I was in a terrible mood: I was hurt and angry at him. I understand anyone having a bad day, but he went overboard and dragged me into it like I was at fault. Really, it was too much.
Hours later, he finally sat down next to me and apologized. I let it all out, but the one thing I refrained from saying was how much he had dissapointed me. I explained I was very, very hurt and angry at him (not like he didn't knew it), and even annoyed that it was the second week in a row that he got like that. We agreed that if he fails at trying to control that, he must stay away from me until he feels better, because I certainly had nothing to do with his bad mood. I ended up crying profusely, equal parts pain and anger, but it was therapeutic. He was ashamed, and at least he was getting back to his receptive self.
So we made up and tried to have a good sunday. He made me a delicious lunch, watched Saint Seiya together, and later in the afternnon we went for a walk and took pictures. The bedroom time was great, and so it was last night and two nights before that.
I appreciate that he sees his mistakes and tries to both make amends and avoid doing those mistakes again. He returned to being the good guy I love and has remained like that. That's his usual self, luckily. I guess when he has bad days, he really has bad days, but we agreed on ways to handle that so I wouldn't be caught up in that. And we're good again, we're very much in love.
Today is my 4th month in Chile...four months! I don't believe it, it feels like much, much more in a good way. Everytime I get out of the house, I am so grateful for being here. And I don't know where I'd be without Andrew, I suspect I'd be lonely (happy still, but lonely).
Which is why I try to take in its stride the fact that I went overboard with my finances this month. I'm not living alone, and quite frankly, I can't say I'd be better off with my expenses AND my quality of life if I were living alone. I am where I am, and I feel wonderful about it. There have been a few expenses I can do without and will do without this month, but most of them have been necessities or part of the experience. I spent a lot on travelling to the hot springs but hey, I wouldn't rather not have gone.
My only heartbreak is the stray dogs and cats among this cruel winter. I carry meat to feed them and I'll start carrying a towel, because sometimes they're wet from the rain and it can be as bad as -4�C during the night. Unbelievable.