Wednesday, 09/25/02 - 4:12 pm.
I had a bad day...well, it was a good day, because I was having a bad one and my classmates cheered me up.
It was the usual start. And everything was going as usual. Until they said we had mass on the second period (at 7:45 am). Since 8th grade, I hate going to mass at school. It always brings me down and it brings me bad memories from that period.
As usual, I sat alone. Vic's girlfriend told him to sit next to me. I told them about the new priest, Julio's replacement (Julio is school leaving this year...jesuit issues). He looks like an italian pizza maker. They cracked up and joked about it several times. I almost felt herectic.
He talked about love. All kinds of love. I really can't remember, but I had a lot of thoughts on that topic. When peace time was over, I realized I didn't hug any of my "friends". I hugged Vic, his girl, Art and Cel...but the rest of people I hugged were just strangers...just teenagers on my course. My "friends" were on the opposite side of the chapel. I didn't go, I really didn't want to. They didn't come either. Maybe they didn't want to either.
What brought me down today was seeing him with Veronica...just fooling around, I know. But it brought me down. When I was on my way back to the hallways, alone, I was crying. Because of what the priest had said about love. Because of what I'd just seen...because of my life.
I was sitting on the floor on the second recess. I got to spend it with Cel. Art had some rehearsal and he was busy. I was with her, and I wanted to find a way to cry. I did find a reason...at that moment, Veronica, Claudia and him were walking by. I cried. I don't know why, but I wanted him to see me. He didn't. When they walked by again, they were walking fast and playing and shit, without looking around them (therefore, didn't see me either) and all I heard from Claudia was you know you can count on us, we're your friends. She was telling him. And part of me couldn't help thinking she did it on purpose.
Elsy sat with me on the third recess, when she saw me alone. I felt the need to open up and tell her...and I did. My life is empty. I want to leave, but I don't have a place to go. You are so special (...) I'll tell you what I see in you...you're scared. And she kept on telling me that I was scared of change. That I had a routine. And it was like she had seen my routine every day, she described it perfectly. I started to cry. Oh, no! Look what I did...I'm so sorry, she said. But I told her it was alright. I knew that already. Well, the entire conversation is very hard to describe. You have no idea how good it feels to arrive home at a different hour than the "usual"...to talk to different people.... She says I have to make things change. But she said it right. Not like my brother.
Then Cel came. And I cried a lot. Again, he didn't notice. In fact, he wasn't even around. But a lot of people did. A lot of people hugged me. It felt good. I felt a lot of people cared about me. And that cheered me up. And I was laughing during class, because my classmates are really funny.
Later on I understood why I wanted him to see me cry so badly. Because when you see someone crying, that someone remains in your thoughts. You wonder why was he or she crying. I wanted to remain in his thoughts.
I ran into him once during lunch recess. He rubbed his arms against me while purring, like he always does. I almost smiled. But I didn't. Then he just walked away, anyway. I'm not special to you, stop pretending...fucker.
It felt good to cry on someone's shoulder. I could've gone on. Releasing all that does feel healthy. So for the afternoon classes I felt better. Surrounded by that "different people" Elsy told me about. So I have to thank them from the bottom of my heart. They're the people I've always been looking for. Not the lameass beings like Veronica, Carmen and him. And the ones who surround them.
I really don't want the attention I got today. Thank you very much for your kind words, hugs and support, I love you all. But I'm really not doing it because of the attention. I just haven't found a better way to feel better other than the after-crying. And I couldn't handle all that pain inside of me today.
I'll keep on watching A Hard Day's Night.
When I arrived to school this morning, I thought it was one of those days when I'm speechless and I don't have anything to express with words. When I just want to be silent. But I didn't think I would cry. Not so much. Not for so long. Not for such things.