Tuesday, 08.09.2011 - 9:55 am.
A few days ago, I realized how much this Joseph issue still affects me and hurts me, if I start thinking about him and let my guard down. It's always been like that, as time has passed.
It didn't help that Q sent me an e-mail some five days ago, the same time that took me to gather the minimum energy to write back. And briefly. There's that saying in psychology, you don't only hurt the ones you loathe, you loathe the ones you hurt. It's a way to justify what you're doing. Now, I haven't hurt him, because I ended the relationship and I was honest about it.
But I suppose he'd be sad to find that I've moved on. That I moved on too quickly. Still, he annoys me greatly and I have no desire to get back in touch with him, there's nothing to talk about; he writes mostly in questions and it feels like an interrogatory. I kind of regret hooking up with him because I spent time with him that I could have spent with other people before I left my country. I'm grateful that he made me experience a relationship I'd never experienced before, though, so I say to myself, regret nothing about it.
The thing is, I think Q came to be for me what I ended up being for Joseph: I regret spending so much time with you; we didn't have the same interests when it mattered. You're boring to me. You're too predictable, you're too safe. My memories of you are dull.
I thought these things and many, many others days ago, and I felt terrible. I also remembered the whole thing of being replaced by someone much cooler, how happy Joseph is with her; I saw those four-five months of agony like a movie in my head and it was excruciating. It destroyed me, it angered me. How he found everything he wanted in somebody else and not me. I can't shake this feeling of failure, of not being good enough for someone who meant the world to me. Now having experienced with Andrew that awesome moment in sex, I feel sorry that Joseph never had it with me and is having it with somebody else.
But...
I think a lot about the concept Joseph has or had (I assume I don't occupy this mind anymore) of me. Maybe one day, just for teh lulz, I could focus on the concept I have of Joseph. Now that all this time has gone by. Because, yeah, he kicked me out of his life but I then ran away and got away from him. In this world, he doesn't exist, I can't run into him. That feels good. The thoughts of Joseph may still invade me from time to time, but I'm with Andrew now, I'm in love with him like I didn't think I would be again.
So the shame of failing and how he's better off with somebody else, I let it happen. That's reality and so be it. I let those thoughts happen and run their course. The pain may be the same when I find the smallest chance to retrieve it, but I'm aware of it, and I'm aware that I can fight it. I change my thoughts, I get mindful of my present. My present rocks! It's what I always wanted to be and to have when I became a grown-up but never quite knew how to get it.
Yesterday I spent the whole day on campus. I have a few weeks off before the semester starts but I'm helping my dad with a presentation he'll make at a university in Panama, and I'm also trying to write, read, write, read. I spent some time at the cafeteria and then Andrew took me to his office; I know his bosses and coworkers and they made me feel welcome. His office is awesome, instead of walls there is glass and you can draw and write on it; yet it's big enough to have some distance from other people. So it really feels like an open space, without losing the privacy.
And right now, I'm going to write a few blog entries and short stories. It's typical of me to wait for inspiration but that's just me being lazy and then I rarely get everything done. What matters when writing is that, well, you write. These ideas don't come to life on their own. I get the feeling I speak up and I create, and that I reach out to people and people reach out to me.