Nursing a broken heart.
Thursday, 09/26/02 - 4:47 pm.

I'm pretty sure it was because of yesterday's collective emotional nursing that I wasn't that depressed today. In fact, I was almost...happy. I mean, not "happy happy" but I was not-sad.

There were times when I wanted to feel sad, when I wanted to be depressed and I wanted to-want-to cry. But it didn't happen. And I'm kind of glad.

Simeon says one can't go around the world making a drama queen out of oneself.

So, was an ok day, emotionally speaking. I saw him with Claudia several times, and she just loves attention so I heard her scream his name a couple of times. She's a noisy person.

- One voice in my head: My God, she reached the climax.
- Other voice: You know? I guess he is one of those guys that switch girls periodically....sorry to say this, but I guess you were just a phase.
- Another voice: Make her shut! the! fuck! up! already!
- First voice: I'm telling you, she's cumming.

Oh, well.

We were dismissed at 3:20 pm. Usually, on thursdays, my classes finish at 4 o'clock. But in the afternoon they're very flexible with the schedule, specially Geovanni (we have two psychology classes, from 2:15 to 4:00 with a 15 minute break at 3:00).

I decided to stay in the hallway until 4:00 o'clock. I stayed alone, just standing next to a pole. Even in that loneliness (the hallways were empty) I didn't feel bad. Not entirely. Not enough to cry. I was just being me. Stoic, looking around. Not waiting for anything, not wanting anything. Just floating in space and time. I was alone, holding onto a pole, in front of my classroom.

Then he approached. With another guy. He put his hand on the back of my neck and started to caress it, while -of course- purring. I let him do it for a couple of seconds, but then I just moved away, and kicked his ass. I mean...I did. With my left leg ("playfully"...but in the inside, it was the resentment, the injury and the anger because of his hurtful behavior toward me...all the unanswered questions).

- Him: Hey, where's room D?
- Me: It's here *pointing at my classroom*.
- Him: *some nice "I know that's room D, I didn't ask about its location, you know what I'm asking for, but still, it's a funny answer, let me rephrase it" laugh*, no, I D people?
- Me: Oh, no. They are not [here].
- Him: *"I wasn't expecting that answer but it's still really funny", 'rolling eyes' laugh*

(of course you had to be there to find it funny, because it happened quickly and, by definition, it's one of those moments that you have to be there to find them funny).

Well, I'm glad at least I can still make him chuckle. Oh, haha. HA.

I kind of wished we were friends.

But then, he just walked away without saying goodbye. It all was just a Matrix glitch. It was very nice, but I'm still not admitting that ignorance is bliss.

I fought with Cel today. In the most fightclubesque way. Fists and kicks involved. I got a bruise in my ankle. Fun times, yes.

Today I put a band-aid on my wrist. Because last night I cut myself. No, it was a minimal cut. It didn't bleed. It did nothing. It practically didn't even exist. The reason I put a band-aid on it, it's because I really felt bad for doing it. Part of me wanted to be suicidal, and depressive and shit, but the truth is, all that support and all those hugs from my friends, my real friends, healed me.

I grabbed a piece of glass. And the skin was hard to cut (first sign: I wasn't doing my best effort). I slid it once...the skin got red...I slid it twice...a fine white line appeared...but I didn't have the heart to keep on doing it. I wasn't feeling bad. Not that bad. So I put a band-aid on, just as an apology to my own body.

And I realized I do love myself (lately, I've been terrified with the idea of having low self-esteem and not even being aware of that).

And today it was ok, too. I got to hang out with Cel in the morning, and with the Obese Girl in the afternoon (after he walked away and left me alone again). I love the Obese Girl, I want her for christmas. I want Vic, Cel, Art, Betty, Sophie, Rod, Adri, Patch, Elsy, Pablo, Dany...I want them all for christmas.

Speaking of Pablo...

- Pablo: hey, do you have something with a cutting edge...a pocket knife or something...?
- Me: I have this...*showing him my small piece of glass -I always carry one-*
- Pablo: Let me see...hey, this does work perfectly...

He'd stolen a small rose from the Virgin Mary statue, and he was cutting off all the tiny thorns...I don't think those thorns could've hurt anyone, but Pablo is very caring when it comes to Elsy. I just looked at him while he was operating.

- Pablo: Yes, I got it from the Virgin Mary statue...some people were carrying a lot of flowers to put them in front of it...beautiful roses. I just had to get one for the person I love.
- Me: I'm sure She won't mind.
- Pablo: She won't. I mean, She's helping one of Her sons.

I have to work. I have to study for some test tomorrow.
Voice: HA! Piece of cake.
Yeah, piece of cake. But still. I should study. One can't go around the world being an attention whore pretending to know it all.

I've realized that I carry a permanent wound in my heart. But sometimes, like today, it just tickles. It's like that pain you get when you hit your elbow or your smallest toe. It hurts, but it makes you laugh.

Wait, what I was going to say is that I realized the band-aid was awfully adhered to my skin (voice: shit, it'll peel off my motherfuckin' skin!). It turned out using the band-aid was worse than the wound itself. So on the band-aid I wrote this is gonna hurt.

Voice: Girl, your sickness is so damn cute. I'm honored to be one of your voices of your head.

(awww...*tear in left eye*)

Other voice: Yeah. But I still think she was climax-ing...she was all over him, and she loves attention. Also, have you noticed how sweet she is to you?...Bitch.

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