Sunday, 12.04.2011 - 2:55 pm.
This year has been long and yet has gone by so fast. I realized this when my calendar changed to December. I felt surprised, but also happy because it's my favorite month.
As I said before, I'm going home for Christmas and New Year. Sometimes I'm excited, sometimes I'm not. I have a lot of people to see, though only a few are a must. I'm scared of finding everything and everyone changed, I'm scared of finding them the same. I'm scared I'll want to go out and my dad will get all preachy on me.
While I'm there, I'll attend the release of my second book. I had a bunch of half-finished stories and then Joseph broke up with me and he got married and I just wrote, wrote and rewrote. Someone named Miguel knew I'd written a book before and contacted me, asking if I had something to publish as part of a literary project. And here I am.
I'm nervous and excited about the presentation but I'm trying not to give it a lot of importance. I'm really, really grateful for the opportunity to publish my book, especially a book that speaks about the most intense part of my life so far. But, you know, in the end, I think not many will care. I could do without the presentation, I do wish more people were interested in reading books.
I do hope that the ones that read it will like it.
Anyway. I'm going home in 14 days. But right now I'm neck-deep in university work, with lots of group work, papers, essays and thesis assignments that are far from finished. These past three days I had the last classes of this semester. I took them one day at a time, as did Andrew. In fact, we woke up early yesterday and he made pancakes to start our day nicely.
I didn't quite began the month that nicely, though, thanks to a couple of dreams about Joseph. In the first one we were dating, but I'd insist that he should pick his wife and baby over me. I don't know who was "the other woman", his wife or me.
The second one was tougher for my psyche: I was in a cruise, and he was there, too (it was a double plot, there was a side of fantasy with fighting ships and sea monsters, so cool). Also my best friend Victoria was there and we talked about it. I found out he was there with his wife and they were rude to people, especially her, and they weren't nice to each other either.
At some point Joseph noticed I was there. And it turns out I was reading a book in a hammock near the room he and his wife were staying in. He came out of his room to go do stuff around the cruise and a waiter asked him if his wife would be joining him later. "She's my ex now", he replied, and it seemed like he was making sure I'd listen. Of course I felt very relieved.
When he returned from his walk or whatever, he did what I've always feared: he walked up to me. He smiled sweetly and I felt this tension between us....I still loved him, I didn't know if he was in love with me too, or was just very, very fond of me. He put his fist in front of me so we could fist-bump. I did, reluctantly. He then asked me for my hand and kissed it. I backed off, because I was well aware that it wasn't convenient for me to reestablish any bond with him. He noticed my hostility, said something about it, and walked away.
I woke up with my boyfriend's arm around me, but feeling in love with Joseph. I've never stopped loving him, I just don't have any expectations to be loved back by him nor I think my life would be any better if I were. There's nothing to do about it. I'm with someone, in a new, brighter life; he is with someone and there is a child involved. I was haunted by Joseph those two days, not quite believing we would never be together again.
Then I'd reframe and say that's just how I feel. Usually I take for granted that this longing I get from time to time must be mutual, but for all I know, he did fall out of love with me and is as happy as he's ever been, with a woman that's more adjusted to his expectations and a son with her. He doesn't hate me, but certainly I don't occupy his mind often and he wouldn't feel too bad for what he put me through; he'd justify it because we're better off without the other. I'm alone in these feelings.
It's a terrible thing to admit but I want him back sometimes. Not so often, but every here and there I get kicked by things like this dream. I wouldn't go back to him in reality, for a number of reasons. One of them is that Andrew exists and he's my smart wingman, my loving partner, more than Joseph ever was. I know what I have and every day I feel grateful for it all, I don't take it for granted and I work hard to keep it.
In fact, these dreams, as hard as they hit, just fade in my mind and my present takes its rightful place. I know I would've written a very different entry had I written it the same day I had the second dream. Luckily, I didn't.
On a different note, yesterday after class, Andrew and other friends and I went walked through campus to see a caged dog that's been there for almost three weeks. We found her inside her house, stuck in a cage that barely allows her to walk in circles. No food, dirty water and her days-old poop all over the concrete floor. It was horrible. I had some dog food and put it in her cage. She came out of her house trembling and ate it all up. I didn't care if it tampered any fucking experiment they were doing with her, this is sheer cruelty.
As we were there, a rabbit looked through some bars. The horror. That little house with the cage attached to it is where they experiment on animals. We took pictures and thanks to Andrew, the university guard that caught us as we were walking out of the area was very friendly. The dog is abandoned and neglected, left alone during the weekends, and perhaps her only contact with humans is to get hurt. I'm trying to get more information, I already have plans as to what to do. Wish me luck.
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