It's Christmas and I'm bleeding. But it'll pass.
Saturday, 12.24.2011 - 11:55 pm.

I woke up to find a private message from Joseph. He hadn't talked to me since May 2009 (and viceversa, except for the letter I sent him before I left for Chile). "Merry christmas, *my name*, may you and your family be very happy". I shrugged it off and instantly decided, yeah, I'll reply. It's the equivalent of him smiling at me on the street; I always thought that if I ever ran into him, I'd acknowledge his presence with a brief nod. Not so much as smiling back, but there you go.

I was very proud of my reaction, until I started to assimilate everything: Joseph wrote me. Then it's been haunting me all day, to the point of making me cry a few times. My heart hurts like it's bleeding and it can't stop.

Lucky me, his profile picture is of some Magic The Gathering guy that looks like him. Not him, not -THANK GOD- him with his wife or son. But I started to rewind, how he dumped me, and the other girl, and the most miserable Christmas I've ever had, and her, and their son...just everything that went on.

It's what I'd tried to avoid, but I couldn't at some point: asking questions. Why is contacting me? It's like mocking me. Did he suddenly got fond of all of his ex girlfriends and sent them all holiday greetings? Was it just me and if so, why? Why can't he leave me alone like he has all these years? I don't think it's in him to understand the harm he caused me and continues to cause, so to him it's just, oh, I'll wish her happy holidays.

My friend Victoria is back from Colombia for the holidays and I saw her today. It was great, and I took the opportunity to tell her about the message, I needed to tell someone. But I couldn't talk about it properly, just tell her that my stomach was in knots and my heart was like bleeding. She said he was such a weird guy and she disliked him a lot. I suppose I was kind of hoping she'd have some news on him, since she had a knack for running into him and his wife (and Joseph's in laws live nearly in front of Victoria's house). But she didn't say anything, probably because she didn't know anything. And even if she did, knowing it wouldn't do any good.

"He got melancholic, I bet", she said as to why he'd write to me. I don't think so. We never spent the holidays together and in retrospective, I don't think I was a very good girlfriend by his standards. I still feel very guilty when I think about it. Anyway, I don't understand his motivations for writing me, and by the end of the afternoon, I decided it was a waste of time trying to figure them out. Whatever they are, they are useless to me and won't undo a damn thing.

But I stuck to my reaction: I will reply. It took me a lot of effort and I was fighting back tears as I was making dinner with my mom and sister, because I wrote something and didn't hit send. I wondered whether to call him Joseph or Jesus, the name he goes by now on Facebook. After thinking a lot about it (and getting very, very hurt in the process), I wrote "Merry christmas, Jesus, hope you and your family have a good one". I don't wish for him to be miserable but certainly I can't find it in my heart to wish him the most happiness ever. Also, Joseph does not exist anymore. This guy's name is Jesus.

For the lulz, I checked the messages I sent him, since oh, so generous Facebook has kept track of everything. I certainly wasn't very affectionate in my writing, but I sent him cool links, told him a girl liked me but she wasn't as cute as he was, thanked him for a good fuck, informed him I may see him the next day, stuff like that. You know what else? There wasn't a single reply from him (I suppose he'd tell me over the phone). There weren't that many messages, all from 2007 to 2009.

I wondered if he looked at them, too when he wrote me. And that's always been the problem: I wonder if he...Stop wondering. Assume the most likely scenerio: I'm a memory, an image to show up during the holidays, when you think of people a lot. I freed myself from a lot of Joseph-related suffering once I assumed he didn't care about me and I closed all the doors to ensure it was like that (i.e. no more "friends of friends" options turned on on Facebook). It's been painful but it's been effective for my healing.

I found comfort in thinking about Andrew. About going back to him in a couple of weeks, about him holding me, about the life we have built and will build together. I called him tonight to wish him a merry christimas, and he called me later to talk some more, and I was so happy to hear his voice. He's my safe place now. He's my love.

Also, I got to see Lighthouse yesterday! Just Lighthouse! We hung out together for two years but we never hung out just the two of us, CR was always there. The few minutes we'd be left alone, an uncomfortable silence followed.

Yesterday he said he'd come pick me up early so he could do his christmas shopping and we could go for lunch. But I know him, and I did my own schedule not waiting for him. He called me at 4 pm. I was happy to hear from him and he came for me. He took me to have a fruit shake to some place we like and then went into the craziness that is last-minute christmas shopping.

I enjoyed it so much, though! He apologized for taking me into the madness but it was not me driving and I was having a good time just looking at all the stuff and helping him pick gifts. He was very grateful for my company, you could tell. We talked all the while, catching up about our lives (including Andrew), I even ended up with a sore throat; in the car, we listened to Legend of Zelda's soundtrack performed by an orchestra. I gave him the souvenir I bought for him in Chile, a Moai statue from Easter Island, and he loved it. I loved my time with him, it was pretty awesome.

So I can't complain. It's been a nice Christmas' Eve. Instead of turkey and a huge banquet, my family and I had sandwiches and cake (they're still trying to grasp my vegetarian efforts). I saw a couple of friends, I've greeted and been greeted by many. I'm alone right now, with my parents at home. I made no plans but to stay home and write in this dear diary until midnight.

I was hurt and angry by Joseph's message. And the most I can count on is that his message and my reply and all the nasty emotions that came with them will fade away and be buried by new messages, be left behind by each new day that comes. Him contacting me is unfair. I would have liked to tell him "you've done enough harm, I don't need an encore". I can only let time pass by. Certainly, this too shall pass.

Five minutes to midnight. Merry Christmas!

prev / next