Friday, 05.04.2012 - 11:28 pm.
Good Guy Andrew went to Santiago for the day and left me lunch (and dinner, because it was a lot). Did I mention he won a scholarship? He did! So he went to the capital city to get all the paperwork done. Now he gets to focus more on the master's degree and save more for next year, as I do, because we have no idea what will happen then. I mean, we have plans and possibilities, in terms of studying and working and going abroad/staying here, but nothing is certain.
I had an awesome class the whole day today and I'm home alone now. I thought about working on my book tonight but it's not a good time, I'll tell you why. First, though, the first draft is finished! Nothing that I'd publish but the core story has been written. Anyway, I don't want to work on it because I'm a little weak at the moment and I may dwell on the real story too much.
Actually, I am dwelling on it right now. Bear with me, please?
Writing about what happened with Joseph has been incredibly therapeutic for me. The paradoxical intention worked: "I don't want to think about him all the time, so I will!" and now I don't think about him a lot anymore. Even better, I don't feel the need to mention him in every damn entry. As I read somewhere, he's Voldemort, he left me a scar and he must not be named. The best part: I do feel it's in the past now. Months ago, the whole thing was very present to me, it was still in my face. Now yeah, I think about it here and there, like I'd remember any other episode of my life...an overwhelming episode but part of my life nonetheless. I've integrated it, you know.
But I've returned to this subject because I'm having a major countertransference and I'd rather address it here, though I also will mention it in the weekly meeting with my colleagues.
You see, I've known two other people who have been dumped by their boyfriend with whom they spent four years, and the boyfriend was their first love/love of their life and he left them for another woman and spent time trash-talking the dumped girl like he was the victim. Those two people are patients of mine. I saw one a couple of years ago and therapy had a happy ending and she made it through and thrived. Now I'm seeing yet another patient with the same story as mine.
It's an amazing thing and a horrible thing. She says the exact same things about her ex that I've said about Joseph, word by word. She was dumped two years ago and is still hung up on him, even though he's turned out to be very hostile. Obviously, he's not interested in getting back together with her. She's in that stage, as I once was, of dying to talk to him and "clear things up", show him what a wonderful person she's become, get some closure...or better than closure, a second chance! It kills her to think that she treasures him and it's not mutual. It's all so, so familiar to me.
I have yet to figure out how to approach this conflict with her. What the other patient did, and what I did myself on a different period (my patient moved on with her life before I did...uh, LOL?), was...you know, go out and explore the world, figuratively and literally. Do stuff. But I can't tell her that. I mean, we'll arrive to that or to whatever else will help her, but she has to walk there by herself. I've been through the same thing and I identify myself with that whirlwind of desperation and other feelings, but I have work to do and I'll do it well.
(Plus, aside from that, our stories differ: there's also abortion and incest in hers. Man, this world can be so nasty.)
A while ago I was thinking about the christmas message Joseph sent me, that, by the way, I kind of regret answering. And when I remember it, I think of alternative answers that are more coherent with the hurt and anger his sole name evokes me. I don't forget that May 17th used to be our anniversary, and I do ache, but I look back at him, and then I look at myself, and then back at him, and then at myself again...I don't want or need a person like him, not anymore. A part of me dies to have him back, but it also feels so wonderful moving on and continue living.
One night that Andrew and I went to bed mad at each other, I thought "no way Joseph has it easy with a marriage". I'm practically married now, except for all the legal paperwork, and so I say it from experience, one needs to be really mature to handle living with another person in relative harmony. And so I wonder, wasn't his bride, like, a little girl? She is younger than me and he was five years my senior, not to mention the childish behaviors of hers, that I heard about or even had to face myself when we sort of met online.
CR used to tell me not everything was fine and dandy between them, Victoria told me -from the couple of times she saw them- that they looked happy and Mrs Smith looked a lot more mature than before. I never had the time to digest seeing him with somebody else, and I was forced to see what a great couple they made. This october he will reach the 4th year anniversary mark with her, so my only claim to fame with him (how long we lasted) will be taken away from me, by, of course, the mother of his child and great wife.
My pride has never recovered from this, but hey, let's end this shitty relapse episode. No, I never had any closure with Joseph, other than, perhaps, seeing pictures of his wedding, and that's all the closure I'll ever get, as if that was all I deserved. I'll probably won't ever see him again though, so whatever. I just want to write an interesting novel about it and make profit, because it's the only thing I can do with this heartache (not gonna happen, the making profit thing, but sounds cool, huh?).
And I finish this on time to get a text from Andrew, who's hopping on the bus back home right now. It's been one day but I've missed him so. He'll be arriving by sunrise, I can't wait!
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