Monday, 09/30/02 - 2:37 pm.
I'm always touched when I see Veronica or Roberto or Norman or Carmen worried or crying. Sometimes I wish they still were my friends so I could help them somehow.
Not that they're not my friends. But with them, I have something I call a "stupid friendship". Because it's stupid. Because sometimes I don't want to be friends with them and sometimes it seems to be the other way around. Because they're the kind of friends that only let you be with them for their good times.
No, not that it's wrong. I've always said it's yourself who draws the line, it's up to you to decide how far you'll let your friends help you.
I'm saying all this because today Norman was crying. And Veronica was too. I couldn't do anything, just see from far away.
Voice: so what? They're never there for you, anyway. We're even. They have other people to help them out and so you do.
Also, I flopped the math exam.
So that's been the main topic of today. My "old" friends and the rotten relationships of ours that I have to put up with. Because once they've left a mark in your life, you can't get rid of them.
The second topic is Vic. He showed me his arm today. He'd cut himself. His wound was deep, I'm sure I could've introduced my fingers and rip off his skin. But you're the only one who'll knows, because I know you won't call me down. Well, Pablo knows, too, but that's because I cut myself in his house. You won't tell, right?. And he kissed my hand.
One more thing...I'm getting drunk this saturday. I'm depressed and I need to get everything off my chest. I can't cry....don't tell anyone anything about my plans, ok?.
I kept silence. I knew there wasn't anything to tell. No stupid that's bad for you, no useless you shouldn't do it.
He misses his girlfriend a lot. In a nutshell, they don't see often and he's desperate....there are other factors that have him depressed, though, as I know his life is kind of empty.
- Vic: from now on, throughout this week, I'm gonna be stoic.
- Me: listen, when I learn to drive, I'll take you to McDonald's.
- Vic: you're so fucking beautiful.
I really didn't feel the need to tell him anything to stop him. Even if I had, I couldn't have said anything useful. Whatever I had said would've been useless, or something he already knows. He cut himself. So what, I've cut myself, too, and I understand he feels like doing it. I once felt like doing it, too.
- Vic: but when I get drunk, I have to do it indoors...when it's outdoors, I do embarrasing shit.
- Me: so you do it indoors so no one will see you do embarrasing shit...
- Vic: *laughs* yeah.
I thought he could die on saturday. A depressed, drunk self-mutilator, who takes caffeine pills here and there....maybe he'll OD and die. And no, I still have nothing to say to him.
There was a car accident this morning near my school. He witnessed the entire thing....the car spinning, the small explosion, the guy flying through the windshield and dying instantly on the street, the tire up in the air, people picking up bloody bodies. For the way he told me everything, I could see he was not touched by the victims at all.
- Vic: when I was leaving the scene, they were picking up the bodies and the other guy was just lying on the street, bleeding...
- Me:do you think he was...?
- Vic: Yes. He probably died instantly.
He was more focused on how fucking cool everything was...not only that, he described the two other car accidents he's witnessed...when a pregnant woman and his little boy got hit by a car and another one involving a boy in a bicycle. No sign of compassion.
But anyway...he said he was going to be stoic the entire week. When I'm stoic, everything works out. He can't cry. He said he's not able to cry. I told him that if he does feel like crying, he doesn't have to wait until saturday to release everything. Apparently, he hadn't thought of such possibility and said he wouldn't stop himself given the chance. But I won't, anyway. That's why I'm getting drunk.
So in the end...well, nothing. He told me about all that. I didn't try to stop him and I won't. I don't know why. I love him, I really do. I just respect his decision. I'll say something when I know it'll actually be of some use, not some stupid preaching that everybody gives you for free because it's easy. I know he's having a hard time.
But he reminded me about stoicism, and I think that's the only choice (isn't that contradictory? "only choice"?) I have to bear with my "old" friends' issues. I'm sorry they have problems, but I can see that they're none of my bussiness.
Take a number
get in line
hurry up and take your time
don't make waves you'll be just fine
just make sure your interests
don't conflict with mine