Friday, 07.20.2012 - 6:46 pm.
My mom starts chemo next week. Thank you dear readers for the encouragement and the hugs. Some days are better than others, and being so far away makes it both easier and harder. Last time I saw her on Skype her words were upbeat but she looked concerned and defeated (still recovering from surgery) and it broke my heart.
With my mom's diagnosis, another loss came in sight: this week we arranged for my beloved pets to find new homes. This killed me and made me feel like those people that get rid of their long-time furry friends just because some major life change is happening. I'm ashamed I left them behind and I left my parents with the burden of looking after them. I had no way of bringing them with me but now I'm also not coming back to live there. Pets are always family members in my household, but in this abnormal context their particular characteristics put my mom at risks for allergies and whatever else.
I fired e-mails with a knot in my throat as soon as Brother #2 wrote me telling me I should start thinking about this. Pichu has been severely abused so she's a needy, difficult dog; she's old, too, and a rough mutt, so I knew it'd be hard to find an adopter. Luckily, my aunt, my mom's only sister, said she'll gladly take her to her farm, a few hours away from the city. I'm worried about the change of environment for her, but I'm hoping she will be better off in the countryside. Pichu has always seemed miserable, hiding all day under desks and tables in our house, showing brief joy when I or other people arrive. The only time she seems to come back to life is when she's out in the sun, lying on the grass or when we go for a walk. I'm praying she'll be happy there.
My cat Nena will be adopted by my good friend Virginia, and this relieves me greatly. Virginia adores cats and I trust her with my life, so I know Nena will be in wonderful hands. That also means that she will remain within family (my close friends are family to me) and I'll hear from her often. I thought about bringing her to live with me, but it was so expensive and I worried about the long, stressful journey in a cage.
Having solved the situation and worked through my feelings about it, I started thinking about travelling to see my mom in December for the holidays. My plan was to travel until february with Andrew, at the end of my scholarship, which I have to do no matter what but...ok, I'll say it: what if this is my mom's last christimas?
That also unleashes some old feelings of guilt. I've been rewriting my story with Joseph. It's not a novel anymore, I think I mentioned this, it's now a simple short, or not so short story. But I still find it overwhelming. I've been pretty busy these weeks to think about him or to pay attention to the real origin of this long-ass text I'm writing, but now here's the possibility of me travelling during the holidays.
That means leaving Andrew. For the second year of our relationship. I was with Joseph for four years and we never spent one christmas or new year's together, I always left him to go to my family in the US. Honestly? I wanted to; I loved the change of escenery, of lifestyle, I loved seeing and doing things I didn't at home and I loved spending time with the family members I was away from all year long.
But I know he'd throw that complain right in my face, I don't remember if he did, "we never spent the holidays together" (I do remember "we never took pictures of us"...but the one or two times we did, it was MY initiative). I should have said no to my family and stay with him at least once. The one time I made excuses not to go was when he was already with his current gal. See, up to this day, I fear he'll put the blame on me for everything that happened. I should have done this or that and I didn't so I deserve the way he tore me to pieces. I don't necessarily agree with this, I just fear that's what he thinks. He was so bitter towards me after leaving me and I didn't hear a nice word from him about me ever again (when there was one, like when he "congratulated" me for my tattoo, it came from his hurt ego and he was being sarcastic, "good for you, I see you're better off without me").
Anyway! As you can tell, I'm going through one of my Joseph relapses. But it's this decision of travelling what's stirred all this. I don't want to leave Andrew again, spend another holiday apart. He is sad about it, of course, but completely understands. We are in for the long run so there are many holidays for us ahead but I wanted to start having them now. Except now I'm not leaving because I'll go and spend fun times with my family (though isn't that a legitimately good reason too?). There's an illness in the family, a very severe and disruptive illness. He can't come with me because he gets just two days off from work. And anyway, I want to go without telling anyone, so I can stay home or go to the hospital or whatever's needed. We wouldn't go out much.
While I figure all that out, some nice news: Andrew's 16 year old nephew is staying with us for a couple of days, for his winter vacation. He reminds me so much of my Nephew #2, even physically. He's very nice and polite and we get along really nicely. Yesterday he said he wanted to make pizza for lunch so he and I went to the supermarket to buy ingredientes. I mean, he made the pizza from scratch, pizza dough and all! He said his grandmother taught him to cook (as she taught Andrew) and he wants to study something along those lines. Or medicine. Or filmmaking. He's a really nice boy.