Monday, 07.23.2012 - 7:30 pm.
I was so agitated last night. I talked to my siblings and I am going home for christmas. I really thought it through several times, it's so expensive and the itineraries are shit. In the end I made a plan that includes buying two one-way tickets and staying overnight in Santiago, maybe taking the overnight 8-hour-long bus ride.
My sister said I had to do it, they'd pay for my tickets if necessary (it'd be appreciated but not necessary). My four siblings and their families will be home, too. Here's hoping it's not my mom's last christmas, in which case we'd still have a wonderful family reunion like we haven't had in years (but Andrew is part of my family now and he won't be there, which makes me frustrated and angry but at nothing or no one in particular).
Nephew #2 will be coming to visit at the end of november and we'll go home together around december 22nd. I'm insanely excited to have him over, although I realized that Andrew and I won't spend another christmas together and also won't get to spend much quality time just the two of us before that, because we'll be busy with Nephew #3. But I'm sure we can work that one out.
I made my decision of travelling home because yesterday we spent most of the day at Andrew's grandparents' house, lunch included. This was a HUGE deal for everyone involved because they raised him, he loves them dearly and looks after them (they are as important to him as my family is to me, so he does get and share my every concern in that regard). He worked slowly and quietly on their minds to make them accept that he had a girlfriend, especially his grandmother. I was a little nervous but confident.
His grandmother opened the door as soon as we stepped into the front yard and she greeted me sweetly. I spent most of the time chatting with Andrew's mom, but his grandmother also took me aside for a while and showed me her work as a seamstress. Andrew, his dad and grandfather were trying to fix the sink. His grandmother told me she liked me so much, gave me candy, a nice cloth she sewed and lots of pisco sour (lots for my standards but it was handmade and delicious).
His grandparents are over 90 years old but very lucid and still pretty much independent, and they told me some funny stories after lunch. It was lovely. At the end of our visit the grandmother thanked Andrew for bringing her a new granddaughter. I'm moved to tears by how Andrew's family has welcomed me with arms wide open, I feel so grateful for that.
So they made me think a lot about my own family and that's when I decided I'd travel. But I was still dealing with the guilt over leaving Andrew. A few nights ago, I dreamed that I read a postcard from a guy, and he was telling people (it wasn't adressed to me) he had visited Joseph in Santiago. It's the second time I dream that he's there (i.e. getting closer to my location), and this time this guy wrote pretty much that Joseph was broke but happy. He had no job but he had a loving wife and a toddler. The ending phrase mentioned my name, something along the lines that I never accepted him but his wife does.
Guilt, guilt, guilt. Wah, wah, wah, I was the worst girlfriend everrr.
I was tearing up last night, overwhelmed by the plans of travelling (and nervous about having to ask the scholarship agency for permission), the cost and the exhaustion of it. And thinking of my mom going to the hospital today and her hair falling soon. And my dog and my cat being sent away today, one to the countryside, the other to my sister's house while my friend Virginia picks her up at the end of august (bless my sister, she took her in the spur of the moment because it turns out it couldn't wait until august for my cat to leave). I was sniffing and sobbing while making me a cup of warm milk and making Andrew a cup of tea.
He heard me and stopped what he was doing in the living room, and came to the kitchen to hug me. I told him everything that hurt, including the fact that I'll leave him for the holidays again. That alone is pretty sad but for some reason I feel like I've done it a lot of times before, not just once (or twice, counting this year). I told Andrew days ago that what I was doing was what I did with an old boyfriend every christmas. It's not that I wasn't in love with him, but it was my family.
"Don't bring ghosts of past relationships into this one", he said, like a plea.
And that was very powerful to hear. I do it constantly. Joseph's always been a ghost to me, even though I rarely talk about him anywhere except in this diary, or as a passing context-free reference like in this travelling situation. It's not longing for him, to get back together with him. It's a painful discomfort, it's shame, guilt, anger, sadness. Joseph was the love of my life. I did accept him, I didn't want to change him any more than he wanted to change me, both for the better. But every morning I wake up next to Andrew and I feel my heart happy, I hear my heart saying that this is the guy I longed for when I was with the love of my life.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. We'll go see The Amazing Spiderman (finally!), put together a care package for my family and have some friends over in the evening. Let's try to take the good with the bad, yes? One day at a time.
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