Thursday, 10.18.2012 - 7:31 pm.
The last couple of days leading up to this date I've been a little sad. Hurt, you may say. I've been reading a lot about grief (for a patient) and how there's cognitive healing, emotional healing and the healing that comes from accepting the changes that X event caused on your personality.
Today, years ago, it was my graduation, but more important, the day Joseph said he wanted space, an euphemism that, unknown to me, meant we were breaking up. But he wasn't impeccable with his words as he always preached one should be. He gave mixed signals for a while and even when he declared his joy for being with someone else, he kept talking to me. And so, months and years of excruciating heartache ensued.
However, this day I've been distracted with other affairs and that doesn't seem that important anymore. I mean, about the emotional healing, it's natural that you re-live some of the grief on relevant dates like this one. I just thought I'd be sadder today about this. I was, but some two days ago.
Mostly, I was wondering if his now ex-wife moved in with him before he broke up with me, or it was just a happy coincidence that she showed up when he was freshly single and ready to mingle. Either way, though, it hurt being replaced and having it rubbed in my face for so long.
Also, I was reading something about how we overestimate the empathy others have for us. I think I did that, hoping he'd be aware of how he was crushing me. All signs point to a huge "no, he wasn't aware". He saw my Facebook pictures in which I got hot, and heard how CR and I went out a few nights every week and I tasted alcohol, and I got a tattoo. He didn't see my red, wet and swollen eyes open at 4 am, after five hours of trying to get some sleep.
But I have other concerns at the moment. Yesterday, Brother #2's ex-father-in-law passed away. I was in shock and I think I still can't grasp that fact. I must have mentioned him here a couple of times. I'd see him once or twice a year, along with his wife. He was a wonderful man, with the voice of Vito Corleone but really skinny. I enjoyed their company and even after my brother and their daughter broke up (a relationship destined to the altar; oh, how tears were cried by the families), they still welcomed my brother like a son, and they'd invite my parents and siblings and me for dinner, or offer us their cabin in the mountains. I loved his stories about living through WWII and the italian food he made. And I feel for his wife, losing her partner of decades. I still can't believe it.
I didn't cry when I read my dad's e-mail about the passing, but I had a very nasty dream in which Brother #3 had died. I didn't know how and I couldn't see his body and the anguish was, well, a nightmare. I woke up really, really sad and terrified. And guilty, because I haven't spoken to him in a while. To any of my brothers, really. To my sister, briefly, because his son, Nephew #2, is coming to visit me (YAAAAY!!!!) in december and we are figuring out flights and such.
Less tragic but still unfortunate is the fact that my friend Victoria is not coming next week anymore. She wrote yesterday telling me she has postponed the trip for november, due to financial reasons. I was so excited about having her with me and now being told I have to wait some more is a little frustrating. But I can live with that, and she'll be here sooner than later.
Also, I had to talk about the guilt about my parents. It hasn't been so strong lately, but it comes down to the fact that I'm not with them nor will I be in the future. I'm the youngest daughter and I always saw myself sticking around with them, looking after them as they did with me for a quarter of my life. They want nothing but the best for me and would never ask me to give up my life for them, but I kinda feel like I should. I owe them so much and yet I've decided to live so far away from home. It's an opportunity I sought myself and what I want, but I wasn't expecting my mom would get cancer. They just say I make them very proud and to carry on.
So there's all that. And so I speak less and less about Joseph, eh? I did heal, it seems, though I suppose I'm entitled to a little sadness on relevant dates. I was in love with him and he made it clear through his actions that he was done with me and had found someone better in the blink of an eye. Even if I've talked about this for so many years, I feel I still can't connect the emotion to the most accurate vocabulary to describe how I felt.
To end on a happy note: Andrew and I celebrate another month together today! Which is a little weird, since we tend to miss the date and realize days later that it went by. But this time we both remembered. A celebration is in order!
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