Brief debriefing and anxiety over the very-near future.
Sunday, 01.06.2013 - 10:37 pm.

I made it safely back to Chile, although it was a 36 hour-long trip and I left the keys to my suitcase lock in my parents' home. I spent the night in Santiago at a nice hostel after an entire day of flying, and the day after, at noon, I was finally hugging Andrew, who was waiting for me at the tiny airport.

It was an emotional trip, although I don't think I've been able to convey that in this dear diary. It wasn't as shocking as I thought it would be, however. I thought it'd have much more of an impact in me seeing my mom so small, in pain and without hair, and finding that my bedroom was not mine anymore and ALL my stuff had been put away for storage. I had to look through it, choosing what to keep, what to give away, what to throw away. Everything had a memory attached to it so it was difficult. But I managed to spend those weeks at home without crying.

Except for the night before my flight. I did cry then, a little.

Then I came here and a piece of my heart was missing, it'd been ripped apart. I kept thinking of my parents and praying my mom will recover. My dad wrote a few days later saying she was slightly depressed, a typical reaction after the chemo. But I think her sadness was fueled by the fact that her children left the nest again. I came back here. My two oldest brothers went back to the States with their families. The house may feel empty again, in spite of my Brother #3 and Sister being around.

I've been feeling guilty over leaving my country, although I'm clear on how much I'd hate to live there. A lot of work needs to be done there and I could help with what I know, but there are no conditions to help. "Be a fighter, change the system!" and shit...yeah, no. I'd be responsible for my own chunk of the world either way but there's a glass ceiling for professionals and it's very low. I made my choice, thank God I could make a choice. It brings something like survivor's guilt and eventually I'll have to face it and resolve it somehow.

I have been so worried with all the paperwork I have to run through to get my master's diploma, my chilean residence and related things. I'll lose my migratory priviledges for who knows how long. I have a whiteboard covered in lists of documents to get and places to go to submit them. I have to return to my country in february for additional paperwork and we're looking at dates with Andrew. We have options but I'm worried sick that the plane tickets are going higher and fewer. I need to buy them ASAP but I don't really know when all the paperwork here will be done so I'll be free to travel. Worried sick, I tell you.

On the plus side, Andrew and I have spent blissful days, just the two of us. Since I arrived on thursday, we've been home catching up and having quality time. We hadn't been alone since the end of november (with Nephew #2 visiting and other friends crashing here and there). It's been so wonderful. We are eating healthy, he's making nice meals, we are both exercising, and at night we snuggle for a movie or TV series. And I love to think I'll get to have best of both my worlds in february, when he travels to my country with me.

I have to say this: last night, I dreamed of Joseph, twice. First, I dreamed he came to my home to talk to me. It was a vivid dream and we had a conversation but by now I don't remember what it was about. Nor do I remember the second dream, although I know that in this one I ignored him. Funny, this morning I remembered how he never knew or didn't care how much he hurt me and I felt angry and desperate. Nothing to do about it though. And so I got busy with more relevant tasks.

This week: get paperwork done and find out about deadlines, go job hunting, buy plane tickets home (once I know deadlines). And write, dammit. I was keeping up with the Joseph story that but I didn't do it today. I can take a break, right? And I'm writing here, that's always nice.

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