False alarms and the new official member of my family.
Tuesday, 02.19.2013 - 11:19 pm.

We're back home in Chile. We arrived yesterday at 8 am, after waking up at 4 am on sunday and traveling all day long by plane and all night long by bus.

My parents put a picture of Andrew and I in the living room (*tear*), on the table where they keep pictures of their own siblings and parents, our nuclear family and my siblings with their spouses and children. Andrew is now officially part of my family! The whole trip was wonderful, and it was pure joy seeing my parents hang out with Andrew, and seeing them happy for the both of us.

At times I didn't want to return. My family, my friends, my life is still there. I saw many friends I love, but certainly the highlight was meeting up with CR and Lighthouse. Twice. After saying good-bye both times, I felt so in love with them. As an entity, you know. Before I came to Chile, they were like my asexual two-headed boyfriend (everything was strictly platonic), and my fondness for them has nothing but increased over time. They helped me and made me smile through the most difficult times of my life. And the second time around, Andrew got to see them at their best, speaking about conspiracy theories and their disfunctional friends. He was amused.

Also, I got to meet up with JC. We met like old friends, like not a heart was ever broken between us. I didn't feel the need to remember that, and I just enjoyed our conversation and catching up with our lives. I didn't tell Andrew anything about my brief romantic history with JC, I just introduced him like any other friend. It was nice. This is what being healed feels like. We've written each other a few times since then and he told me he's really happy that we met again. I am, too.

Speaking of healing, I had a bit of a scare. Well, a couple. I wasn't worried about running into Joseph during my time in my country. I was confident that we just don't move around the same circles and that he'd be busy doing whatever he's doing with his life these days, and also, he's like dead to me. I'm not proud of that feeling, but it naturally feels like that. You don't quite interact with a dead person, the way I don't interact with Joseph.

But anyway. Joseph was really into Magic The Gathering. When he sent me a friend request on Facebook last year, his image was a MTG logo. I only knew that when I saw Andrew playing MTG days or weeks later. And of course, Andrew found out there was a MTG store near my house and he wanted to buy very specific stuff. It was excruciating, taking him there. I drove him and waited in the car while he went in. I knew that store, Joseph used to spend his time there, and I'd pick him up or drop him off. This was very familiar to me and worse, I feared he was there while Andrew was there.

I took Andrew there three times. Nothing happened. My best bet is that Joseph wasn't even there. By the third time I drove Andrew to the store I didn't care much and wasn't scared anymore. I didn't think he'd be leaving or arriving to the store as I was parked, or he'd come out to the balcony (the store is on the second floor). Even if he was there, Andrew and Joseph didn't know each other so I was safe.

Then one day at the mall, I thought Joseph was there, and I made Andrew take a detour, telling him there was someone I didn't want to run into; he didn't ask anything (bless his heart). When we came out on the other side I doubled-checked and it wasn't Joseph, but shit, I nearly lost it during those three minutes when we walked around to avoid that certain spot.

And last but no least, I met up with my best friend Victoria (who lives in Colombia but just so happened to be visiting, too!). Joseph's now ex-wife and son are her neighbors. But I went to her house and didn't see them. It was only a very remote possibility anyway. Hell, maybe they don't live there anymore. She got back together with Joseph and the three of them fled the country for all I know. But I was working with the last news I'd heard: they got divorced and she and their son moved back into her parents' house. In front of Victoria's house.

Like I said, nothing happened. No Joseph during my trip. That's what I was going for, but also I didn't want to let my guard down. I'm over Joseph more than I ever thought I'd be, except for my relapses, like that one night when I imagined having a conversation with him in which he wouldn't acknowledge how much he hurt me and would put all the blame on me. I have nothing to blame myself for, but it always seemed he accused me of "not loving him" and "not caring that he dumped me", and that hurt so much. Hell, I'm still talking about this!

I dream of him here and there. My dreams have evolved along with my relationship with him. By now he's only a passerby, a face in a crowd. A dream is happening and he's there, he turns around and looks at me and then dissapears. He has no lines, no influence on what's going on.


I'm grateful for the chance of being home, even if it was just for a couple of weeks. My parents seemed happier. No doubt it has to do with my mom beating cancer, but also I think they got to process better the fact that I'm on my own now. It helps that I'm not alone, I guess, and more than that, that I am with someone who clearly makes for a great partner. The relationship between my parents and Andrew was quickly developed during these two weeks but it was, I don't know, tender? It was a beatiful thing to see.

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