Saturday, 03.23.2013 - 2:56 pm.
I went from one dream to another, in which I opened my MSN Messenger one last time before it disappeared. I was with Andrew and one of my brothers, sitting on a wooden table at a restaurant. I logged on and I was flooded with memories of Joseph. We spoke four years over that thing and it was my demise when he started using it to broadcast the wonders of his new relationship while I didn't even know we had broken up.
I turn around and he's at another table. I'm not just remembering, he's there. With his wife (ex-wife in real life, last I heard). They see me and come over to our table. I'm mortified but I don't show it. I fake being glad by running into him after so long. Andrew and Joseph discover they both play Magic The Gathering and I'm between the two of them and I see them bonding over that. At some point I see Joseph's wife holding their kid but I didn't pay much attention to that.
Joseph calls me behind a wall, another section of the restaurant. He asks for my address but as I start reciting it, he does it too. He's just making sure it's the same one he has written on his arm. He laughs, I understand he thinks I'm too predictable but I don't know why. Is it because I live in the same place? He says something along the lines of him waiting for me to get back together but Chile got in the way. I can't remember if it was that he'd come for me and I said no, or that he was waiting for me in our country. I remember thinking, you're a liar, you dumped me, you were never waiting for me to get back together, you're married.
Then we're saying good-bye, both parties. I'd been trying to avoid Joseph's wife but I'd noticed she seemed to be having fun at our table, talking and all, and I said, what the hell, a friendly kiss on the cheek. She openly rejected me. Next thing I know, we're on our way back from the restaurant. My brother is driving and Andrew is not with me. I said, I talked to him and he'd said he'd stay for longer...and I realized I'd talked to Joseph and he had said those words. I was confusing the two of them. Andrew was indeed left behind, so I called him up and said we were on our way back to get him.
Have fun, Freud.
Yeah, I know where this is coming from. It saddens me that my dreams about Joseph keep evolving. This is an unwanted leap from the old patterns, in which I heard he was coming to Chile but then when I ran into him, I just ignored him (took several dreams to make up this one sentence, to figure out that narrative). That left me feeling empowered, like I was done with him for good. But this one, he's invading my personal space, my world. And I can't fight back because there's people around and I don't want to make a scene, and he seems completely oblivious to the fact that he destroyed me. And brings his wife! Worse, I'm pairing and then confusing him with Andrew. That hurts, that's really, really unfair to Andrew.
I said, I know where this is coming from. Something I saw a few days ago triggered memories of what Joseph did. I was tempted to think his marriage was a rebound marriage, but then I got a reality check: he did stop loving me. He grew tired of me and he just put up with me for weeks, or maybe months (the dog that was with me for 10 years dies and he can't come to my house and comfort me?) because it was better than being alone, until a better option came along. So he wouldn't focus on someone old to get away from, as much as on someone new to go to. Speaking of hurting, that stings. To lose the worth before the eyes of the person you're in love with. Seems like I haven't recovered from that.
I hate having these things stirred in me. I hate that I still care for this old wound. Life has more than made up for it in that department, giving me Andrew as my wonderful wingman, friend, lover, equal. We celebrated our two-year anniversary on the 18th and I feel so triumphant. I didn't think anyone would love me like that again, and I didn't think I'd ever be so in love again. My days start on a happy note just because I wake up next to him. He's very protective of me but also pushes me out of my comfort zone. It's a perfect mixture of qualities in him, and I don't ever want to leave him behind, and I hope he will stick around. It seems he will.
Huh. My mood just improved. So let it go, dear subconscious, Joseph got away with tearing me to pieces and not knowing it. Let it go. There's an amazing man in the next room that I will go to right now.
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