A productive member of society and an ambivalent partner.
Friday, 04.19.2013 - 10:57 pm.

I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote. But hey, I'm working! I'm assistant to two research projects and I'm seeing students at the university's psychology clinic again. I'm seeing just two, at least for now. They both asked for me, separately, to continue the process with them this semester. I was so honored.

Last week I felt most accomplished. I did lots of things and had wonderful evenings with Andrew, and a restful weekend. This week we're getting used to the new rhythm of our everyday life. He's supportive as usual and I'm learning a lot. It feels so good being busy. I make very little money (I've made none at all as of now) but these are valuable jobs. It's what I wanted to do, to work in research and see patients. And I'm not that busy (yet?) so I still get to do my personal stuff. I exercise everyday too, and I'm seeing results.

One of the students I saw last semester asked to continue the process and I kind of figured what had happened: her long-time boyfriend broke up with her. She was blindsided (though it was easy to see it coming) and the break-up story stirred a lot in me. It was all too familiar and painful.

Just one or two nights ago I'd dreamed of Joseph. And one or two days before that, I'd been feeling really nostalgic. I wouldn't trade the life I have now for any part of my past (though I miss spending time with my family and close friends on a daily basis), but I was reminiscing of the two years before I came to Chile, those were some good times in spite of the crippling heartbreak.

So in my dream I was with my friend Victoria. She was neighbors with Joseph (in real life, she used to be neighbors with his ex?-wife) and at some point he stuck his head through a window as I walked by. I just looked him in the eye, trying and possibly failing to sum up all the hurt and love and dissapointment and disgust in a glance. He stared back into my eyes as I walked away. The end.

Even though Andrew has been awesome, tonight he did something very hurtful. I suppose I was already sensitive: Dr. B, my thesis director, pretty much scolded me and said I had violated his trust. I rushed with something regarding my thesis, I made a mistake. I thought he overreacted though, he was rather emotional. I apologized and fixed it but he was explosive and it frustrated me to the point of tears.

I was recovering from that, which was easier to handle because Andrew had been by my side while reading those e-mails and stood by me and helped me articulate a proper reply (owning my mistake while not engaging in the fact that he took it personal). But minutes later, that was gone. Andrew can be really condescending sometimes. In the worst escenario, he treats me like I'm stupid and that's what he did this evening.

I asked him a question about the position of something in the kitchen. "In the back". I found his answer confusing and insisted. He got up from the computer (i.e. I interrupted him) and stood next to me and made a slow gesture as to show what "in the back" meant, while repeating it. I know what that position meant, I wasn't sure he was answering my question. It hurt, everything in his tone, his gesture, his frown screamed "are you stupid or what?".

I'm know I'm really stupid when it comes to the simplest everyday tasks, I will not deny that. I make mistakes very often and I ask him for help as much. Even more so now that I'm assisting him in the project and he used to be an assistant himself. He was very patient and helpful this afternoon when I made a mistake on an Excel file but I guess he ran out of patience.

I'm hurt and I'm mad and I told him. I ask so much for your help that you think I'm stupid. I was hurt and angry. I've had my abilities questioned by him before. It's not a dealbreaker since I know he respects me and loves me and admires some of my traits. But I catch him in the wrong mood and he can be very unpleasant for a while. Usually I let it go or point it out AND let it go (most of the times he apologizes afterwards for being unpleasant), but I'd had enough with his patronizing today.

He treated me like a child that was learning language and spatial notions, not an equal that needed guidance, and it was annoying. I don't treat him like that. I do my best and I think I succeed at not being rude to him even when I'm at my worst. I shouldn't expect people to act like I do, or think they should, but I couldn't help thinking so. He had been so supportive minutes ago and now he was being so condescending.

It's been a long week. I'll go to bed. I suppose we'll solve this by tomorrow but whatever. I'm hurt and tired and I want to sleep.

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