Sunday, Jun. 30, 2013 - 6:50 pm.
In my last entry, I was an exposed nerve. I've noticed this happens -not so frequently, thankfully- when I'm bothered by something Andrew has said or done. I think myself very rational but at some point I stop being rational while I believe I still am. And it turns out I'm reacting in the same way that I'm criticizing.
Andrew noticed I was upset, although by then I didn't really know why. I didn't have evidence, examples of all the things I claimed were hurting me. I was backing off, even, realizing I was using "always" when I meant "this one time". I cried in bed, hurt and confused. He heard me but I couldn't tell him what was going on, so he got up and laid down on the couch.
Some time later, I got up, turned on the light in the living room and woke him up. I told him I was tired of him being tired and moody and acting like he was living alone, and if he wanted to live alone, he should just tell me and save ourselves trouble. I said that lately I didn't feel appreciated and I wished he saved some good moods for me. It's not true he's moody all the time, but I did have the feeling he'd been like for a good part of the time we were together the last four or five days.
He acknowledged that it must have been difficult to be around him lately. He didn't acknowledge other things and at first that hurt me, but also, he was right about not doing that. As I was right to feel hurt, it's just that I should've spoken earlier. He's a good guy and listens to me; he doesn't always agree with me but we can work things out smoothly. He said he did want to live with me and I told him to come back to bed.
The next day I apologized for being an exposed nerve. He said it was right that we talked about it. By then our relationship was back to normal and we had this exchange while cuddling on the couch. Once again, I made the mistake of keeping the discomfort to myself for too long. I can speak sooner and clearly. Nothing bad is going to happen by doing this. Quite the contrary, it helps us to release tensions and possible resentments.
Above all, I was amazed how easy it was for me to say, "I can walk away from this relationship if needed". I couldn't. I can't just walk away from my life. Sure, being dumped by Joseph was devastating but it didn't change, say, my home address. Here that's not the case. But it's not just that. Andrew is the best person that's ever happened to me. Although I know I am responsible for my own thoughts, I can't help feeling that this bravado of getting easily unattached comes from the hardship of getting unattached from Joseph.
So I took a look at myself and realized I need to be more self-conscious when Andrew gets moody (usually I am, but I can slip). And also I need to get out more. No, really. I work from home. I have no coworkers and a few friends but I can only think of one with whom I could go for coffee with and we rarely talk. Andrew is my whole inmediate social circle and so of course that'll make me very dependent on him, his time and his moods. Just after writing my last entry I talked to my friend Victor (perfect timing to message me), and we discussed this. I'm ok with not being so social, it's in my nature, but at least I should reach out to my old friends more, even if we're miles apart.
On the very bright side, yesterday Andrew and two friends of ours, a couple, headed to some hot springs in the Andes. We woke up early, stopped in a small town for a big breakfast, and we headed to the mountains. It started to SNOW! I was so happy. I think I hadn't seen snow since the first time when I was 13 and I visited Brother #1 in New York (I had such a wonderful time, I wish I had kept a diary back then. That Christmas I got my first diary, actually, and it just so happened that at 14 I needed it, when I started to have conflicts with my then two best friends. But I digress).
It started to SNOW, I was saying. And the hot springs were magical. It was a long red boardwalk on a river in between a mountain parted in two, and on the sides there were the springs. After a few hours of bathing with snowflakes falling on our heads, we went back on the road, stopping by for lunch and then for ice cream. It sounds like a short trip, but we left at 8 am and came back at 7 pm. It was great.