One last irrational fit before september arrives.
Saturday, 08.31.2013 - 8:23 pm.

I have reasons to wait eagerly for september. The least important, but still very important, is that I'll finally start getting paid regularly and decently. No more spending my savings and thus no more spending more than what I's been like that since january. Nine months of this, my anal-retentive self weeps.

But the most important reason is that my sister is coming! On the 26th, but still! Come tomorrow I can say she's coming "this month"! I'm so excited and I make plans everyday for when she's here. She'll visit for only four days though, then she'll spend a week in Santiago attending a congress. But maybe I can go to Santiago myself. All the more reason to do so is that also my blogger/real-life friend Ana, now living in Mexico, is attending the same congress. It'd be great seeing her after so many years. AGfgasgdghasfd, I can't wait!

Speaking of family, two days ago, Brother #3 got his PhD. I'm very proud of him!

Oh, oh, and my high-school-and-beyond best friend Cel is coming to Chile, too! I don't have the dates yet, somewhere between october and november. I haven't seen seven, eight years? She moved to Guatemala and then to Canada (and went backpacking across Europe) and we've barely spoken since then, but last week she left me a voice message on Whatsapp telling me the news and it was like no time had passed. It's one of those timeless friendships. I can't wait to see her.

On more mundane news, Andrew is staying at his grandfather's house tonight to look after him. Since his wife, Andrew's grandmother, passed away a few months ago, three of his nieces alternate to stay at the house and take care of him (he's 95 years old). Andrew's mom was coming to stay this weekend but got sick. We've both spent the whole day there. I came back home to feed cats, use internet, exercise and sleep, and I get back tomorrow at noon.

It's sweet seeing Andrew take care of his grandfather, cooking, shopping for groceries, giving him his medicines (he's got diabetes). And I think it'll be good that they spend some time together.

I got very emotional in the morning though. And by emotional I mean irrational (thanks, cognitive-behaviorist psychology). I managed to control the thoughts and feel better, and by now I don't remember much of what had me frustated and on the verge of tears.

It did have something to do with Andrew. It came down to the fact that, I thought, every thing we do is on his terms and depending on how busy he is. This triggered by the unexpected urgency of staying with his granddad tonight, although this in particular didn't bother me, he's Andrew's beloved family and we didn't have other plans. He said he'd leave first to stop by the supermarket because if he went alone it'd be faster. I thought, oh, sorry for being an inconvenience, although I know he didn't mean it that way, he was just being practical.

In the end I tagged along, just so I wouldn't feel he makes all the choices. But I did walk behind him on purpose, so as not to bother him while he shopped for groceries. I suppose he mostly doesn't want to bother me with his family matters but another reason to tag along from the beggining was that otherwise we would spend the weekend apart. I was sorry about that, and about the fact that he himself was sick and was looking forward to stay in bed and rest all weekend.

I can't describe the thoughts exactly but I fought back tears a few times. I was angry at him. Appreciate me, spend some time with me (he did, last night we watched the VMAs. Bo-ring). It passed, eventually. This train of thought hurts me and it would hurt him if I said it out loud. Plus, many of my claims were based on "this one time" instead of an "always", as I was saying. Among other cognitive distorsions. There *are* some things that rationally bother me but those should be discussed in a timely manner.

I was waiting to hear a "thank you" for him when I left the house but I didn't get one. I didn't deserve one, I know, I was there because I wanted to, I wanted to keep him and his grandfather company and I wanted to be around Andrew even if each of us was doing their own thing. I just thought, "if he says thank you, he appreciates and it made a difference that I came with him. If he doesn't say it, might as well had stayed home". Actually, might as well had. I wasn't very useful around the house. I was there for moral support, which wasn't much needed.

I think I'm just playing a victim, not sure why. But it just so happens that at the end of the month, every month, I find something to be really mad at Andrew for and to feel like a victim. I hate to blame it on my period but it does happen about a week before. It doesn't mean I'm imagining things. These are things that genuinely bother me, but in this moment I go more for emotion than reason, for an explosion rather than a discussion. Especially when these are things I haven't sorted out with him.

So for now I guess I'll go with it. Humor myself, eh. I feel unappreciated or maybe useless. Andrew could have done without me today; quite frankly, he has, living with and looking after his grandparents was his life before he met me and he was ok with it. It made no difference that I was there today. I'm sure he's more concerned that I "sacrifice" my time for his family. Also I miss him, but he's busy with this, and before that with the flu, and before that with his online game and tournaments and work. I do think our schedule as a couple revolves around his own, but it could be because I barely have my own.

I don't know. I can be irrational tonight since I'm alone, get it out of my system. And then september begins!

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