Tuesday, 12.31.2013 - 11:11 am.
In my last entry, I recalled Christmas 2008 as the worst christmas of my life, due to the situation I was in with (without?) Joseph. It was hurtful and confusing, even more so with his christmas gift to me, delivered in november. A DVD case wrapped in aluminium foil, which I kept in a drawer until I opened it on Christmas day or so.
The DVD was the one of my favorite movie (coming from my favorite book): Fight Club. The tenderness and the anger that gift caused me tore me to pieces. The nerve of this jerk, he was already living with his wife-to-be without having -so I felt- an honest break-up with me, and he comes to my house to bring me this very thoughtful present. I think he was remorseful and most of all, he either got that movie by chance or had that movie before he dumped me and wanted to get rid of it and of me ASAP, so he give it to me as a christmas present in november.
Whatever, I never watched it. It was a very handsome edition that matched the poster on my wall. I got to opening the case and I always regretted it, especially two years later when I returned it to Joseph. I gave it to CR to deliver it to him along with a letter and CR lost the damned letter. I rewrote it and gave it to CR again. Who knows if Joseph ever read it, but it contained all the things that were eating me inside, and with that I got on the path of accepting having Joseph mutilated from my life. It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything, and stuff.
Now, the package that Andrew got for me for Christmas and thought wouldn't arrive, arrived on december 26th. It was Fight Club, Comic Con 2013 edition. I was so happy. It was like coming full circle, or getting a second chance. This one case I opened with joy, in front of Andrew, grinning with pride knowing he'd chosen THE gift for me, and we watched it together inmediately. And we watched it again with commentary.
There must be symbols and lessons to draw from all this but just let it be known that getting this movie again, and from the remarkable man I'll marry next year, means the world to me. I'm glad I got rid of the first one, it screwed with my head since I got it and every time I opened the drawer until I returned it two years later. The things you own end up owning you, indeed.
Now, let's get reflective. To me, it was a very fruitful 2013, it was the first year I truly felt like an adult, out of college, getting jobs, supporting myself and the little family I have with Andrew. I finally healed regarding you-know-who and put it all behind me (I've had a relapse lately, thinking things that hurt me but I believe it's the holidays). Next year I hope to become a little more awesome, personally and professionally, and I will marry Andrew and I pray I'll get to see my entire family.