Saturday, 07.12.2014 - 4:30 pm.
A few days ago, Andrew and I had a fight. We don't fight often (we have disagreements here and there, in which neither of us cries while talking) but there have been four or five times through our relationship in which one of us has slept in the guest room or the couch.
Nobody kicks out anybody, I would never kick him out of bed, I think it's his bed as much as it's mine. But I appreciated so much that this time he grabbed a bunch of blankets and set up camp in the guest room: we weren't speaking and I really didn't want to be in the same room as him.
This was beyond him not paying our apartment building expenses last month. Certainly it was an issue, it was irresponsible and there was no reason not to pay. He forgot. I understand he's had an overwhelming semester and a lot of pressure and he's getting his attention pulled in different directions simultaneously but still, it's our house bills. He'd also forgotten to pay the gas company two months ago.
But it also struck me because he's done that to me a few times. The first time I noticed was when he voluntereered to review my master's thesis before I turned it in. He never did. The same happened with a short story. And the latest was when I asked him to work on our "engagement thing" invitations and to review a paper before I turned it in to our boss. He never did. Well, he did work on the invitations, two months later. I've asked him several times to work on finding universities for our scholarship and he ends up using that time for playing.
One or two times it's ok, I guess, he's a busy man. But he tends to procrastinate and puts off stuff (not just what I've mentioned) and that to me comes accross as careless at best. And at worst, that he doesn't take my requests seriously sometimes. I freaked out with this last paper I sent him for review because I had no idea what I was doing and my boss assumed I did, so I needed his input. Those tiny inconvenients have been building up in me. And that's one thing, not paying the bills is another and irresponsible at that.
So I was mad. When he asked what was wrong and I told him, he got mad and dismissed my concern with a "well, are there any consequences?". I was speechless. Surprised, in retrospective: first he dismissed his responsibility (he's in charge of making the payment though we go half and half) and then he dismissed my feelings about that. There were no hard consequences as the services weren't cut off but they have a deadline for a reason, don't they?
He went away and then returned to ask why I was crying. I was crying, trembling even, chewing my cereal silently because I was pissed off and dissapointed on him. I said it had been irresponsible of him and I also brought up something he'd told me a few weeks ago, about me being assertive if something was bothering me (this was regarding something else, a disagreement on something). "Don't ask me to be assertive, there are many things that bother me but I don't tell you because I know exactly how you'd react, like you are right now!". And he made the gesture, the same gesture I was talking about, some moaning and tilting the head to the side like saying "oh, there you go again with that".
I cried a lot at night and for some reason the pain reminded me of what I went through when Joseph dumped me. In fact, I ended up dreaming of Joseph, but this time, luckily, there was no interaction. I dreamed of being in a crowd and hearing his friends laughing at him, because he was texting all nervously (I didn't see him): he'd seen the girl he left me for, she was coming into town in a parade, and he was nervous because he was making the decision of breaking up with me and marrying her.
Anyway, the next morning, Andrew wouldn't leave for work (keep in mind I work from home, I didn't get to leave the battlefield). I myself was feeling hungover. I'd spent the night examining all angles, taking cues from Valerie's writing. I got out of the bedroom as he was leaving and we exchanged a quick, cold look. I spent that morning thinking that we were over.
I was so dissaponted and ready to leave this relationship. I think this way of reacting comes from Joseph dumping me: I'd rather leave at the first sight of trouble than stay longer than necessary. I made plans and envisioned myself starting all over back in my home country. Leaving all my current life behind, cancelling all the wedding plans. I could see it happening.
Andrew came late for lunch, I'd already eaten. We were civil though. He told me a few things, I told him a few others and things cooled down. I think neither of us like to keep up the not speaking terms. I can go on with no speaking but eventually it feels like I'm digging my own grave, so I'm always open to break the ice.
He and I went out in the afternoon for work. He had a meeting with his boss at his university, and I went to the university I work at to close off the semester. When I returned home, he was already there, lying on the couch, and invited me to go lie next to him. There he told me the meeting had gove great and he told me lots of good news regarding his contract as a professor next year and contacts for us to apply for scholarships in the USA. He was happy, I was happy, our life plans were intact and even more promising than before. Then said he'd brought some pastries, so we ate and had coffee and that was the end of it.
Whew.
Since then we've been back to normal, thank God. Ok, we didn't really talk things through but it doesn't seem like he needs that and neither do I. I'm still surprised by his reaction though, all that nonchalance felt very out of character for him. I'm a little embarrassed by my own reaction as well, of thinking of leaving and falling out of love with him just like that; that's bullshit. I was pissed off, and not because of the bills but because of having my feelings dismissed, and I cursed Andrew when he wasn't around. I'm not embarrassed by that but I'm not proud either, and I am glad I tend to keep the nasty words and threats to myself.
It's all good now. We're in love and happy, albeit a little stressed because we're preparing to leave for my home country on tuesday night. There's a lot of things to do.
Me, I'm ok. There are many other things that are much more important and that entail suffering for others, that do break my heart: like the US - Latin America immigration crisis (a ten-year old was found dismembered today in my country so, really, these children are seeking refuge; not to mention that the economy model is designed to "export poor people"); the attacks on Gaza and the stupidity and ignorance of people about it; cases of cruelty towards animals and humans that I hear of on a daily basis, in this town and all over the world; that girl in Texas that was raped and her "pose" while suffering the attack is being mocked in social networks, Jeez. Those things and others I learn about constantly make me feel impotent and break my heart. I can't do a lot about most of these issues, but silence is worse, so I'm talking about it, to at least make it all visible, even if briefly (I talk about these things in other places, not here...this is supposed to be my happy place, or at least my cathartic place).