Saturday, 08.16.2014 - 9:57 pm.
Since Andrew and I returned from my home country, we've been wearing our wedding bands. We're legally single still but we might as well make the habit of wearing them. I feel a little embarrassed though because there are so many stereotypes about a woman wearing a ring and I fear those stereotypes will be applied to me.
(Like, I've seen an image circulating, "feminist until marriage comes", and I say, fuck you: I'm wearing a wedding ring and I still think women are people)
We're 91 days away from getting married. I notice so with horror because that's supposedly the mark by which you start sending out invitations and start sealing deals and stuff. We may have the invitations ready this week and today we went to sort out some details at the venue. There are still many details to take care of though, and a lot of money to spend.
I'd much rather focus on preparing our applications to enter a PhD program in a US university next year. It's a hassle and I feel overwhelmed by all the requirements. And all the fees. And all that competitiveness.
Look, sir or madam, I'm not brilliant but I work my ass off. Accept me. Please. Bye.
I fear the GRE, especially the math section. I suck at math.
Back to the wedding, there's my family coming. I'm so happy about that but I'm worried I'll be so busy with class and the research project and a workshop related to it. Something may suffer, but I'm trying to think ahead to avoid that. Thinking ahead also takes time.
But I don't want to stress. All in its due time, right? In fact, I feel ok. My biggest source of stress regarding the wedding is the owner of the venue. She's a great, organized lady, but she imposes protocol. Andrew and I, while understand the need for structure, don't care for many traditions. "The groom cannot see the bride before the ceremony". Lady, he sees me everyday! He already saw me in my wedding dress, he helped me try it on the day it came in the mail. He's seen everything of me. And frankly, we'd rather be the both of us greeting the guests at the entrance. Our parents? Why? They're not giving away their kids, we're walking away by choice. And we are the ones paying for it.
I have a long to-do list that will not be entirely checked until december. But like I said, it's best to break down the big tasks into small ones, day by day, week by week. I'll make it through. We'll make it through, Andrew and I. He has as much as saying in this wedding as I do, so it's nice that we share the responsibilities. And also we have the same tastes, i.e. no waltz, thanks.
Oh, on another subject: I dreamed of Joseph last week. And I know that I shouldn't even bring his name up, but this is important. In the dream, I was walking in a crowded street, New York City style. Actually, it was an entirely different narrative but in that moment I was crossing the street with a bunch of people, and I saw Joseph crossing the street in the opposite direction, towards me. He was in a sea of faces, I recognized him even though he'd grown a beard. He looked at me without emotion and I think I did the same. Although inside I was embarrassed because my hair was a mess. And that was it.
And I thought, I think: well, he's finally been absorbed by my unconscious. After all these years of dreams morphing according to our relationship status, he's finally living in the worlds inside my head as part of the multitude. That's how he looked like, among all those faces crossing the streets. Recognizable but irrelevant. I know who he is but I can't bother to talk to him. And I care, I still care about what he thinks of me but I have better things to do with my life, so the concern passes quickly, as soon as I pass him on the street and I leave him behind.