A very eventful entry and a month-long weekend ahead.
Friday, 01.30.2015 - 7:41 pm.

I'm finally on vacation. Summer vacation. I have the whole month of February off. Kind of. My boss gave me a few tasks to complete here and there, and I have to finish the classes for the upcoming semester. But a change of pace and real free time is much appreciated.

I go on a sour note though. Andrew and I, from our respective jobs, took the blame on something that wasn't even our responsibility, regarding a less than brilliant grad student who was finishing her thesis. It's a matter of attitude more than intelligence, really. She couldn't do her homework properly, and e.g. eventually she blamed me because she didn't know the sampling method of her own study.

Andrew got the worst part, from the professor overseeing that thesis (she's kind of sort of boss but not directly), who blamed him for making the grad student "angry/sad", since her thesis resembles a paper the research team -us- was working on and submitted for publication. The professor claimed she did not know we were working on such thing, even though we (Andrew and I and our boss) warned them about it the first time we saw the thesis proposal, a year ago. The professor would know if she, as co-researcher of this project, showed up to the meetings. She's not a bad person but she takes so many academic and professional responsibilities that something's gotta give. And it did. The research project she's on, with Andrew, my boss and I. And we're taking the blame for it.

Andrew and I were very upset yesterday because of that. It was unfair and uncalled for, but you can't defend yourself against this professor, for a number of reasons, regarding her position and her own personality variables. We slightly talked it through, between us and with our boss, and that was it. The boss and the professor also talked it out, in very simplistic terms. It's come and gone so hopefully that sour taste will be gone soon too, and Andrew and I will forget about it.

Next week, I have to go to the capital city to renew my passport. I filled in the form last August and it's been a pain in the ass dealing with the system since then. The people at the consulate are nice but have made mistakes that kept pushing back my renewal. I was supposed to go on November 7th (the day my parents arrived, meaning I was in the city anyway), but then they cancelled my appointment due to a consul's leave AND deleted my entire application by mistake in the process. So it's like I never asked for a renewal in the first place and never contacted me again, and it's why they didn't know what I was talking about when I called asking what up last week. Several calls and e-mails back and forth, I had to start the application from scratch yesterday. The lady I've been talking to pulled a few strings to finally schedule an appointment for next thursday.

I'm not thrilled, of course. I'll have to travel the night before by bus, to arrive to the city in the morning, do the thing and take a flight back home at 6:30 pm. It's a hassle but it's the best itinerary I can do.

Also, it makes me angry to spend money on this. Well, no: I'm angry because I'm still not able to save and instead I keep using my savings, like I've been for the last half year. Is it ever going to fucking end? Can't I have one fucking hundred to spare for once, like in the old days? And the university takes forever to pay, until the 7th of each month. I was hoping I could go on until the 7th without spending...I had to, because I'm out of cash in my regular account, but now there's this. Touching my savings again it is.

I'm angry about having one more payment to go for my laptop, when the old one crashed in the middle of November, in that whirlwind of my wedding, my family's visit and my new full-time job, for which 24/7 access to a PC is required. So what else was I gonna do? As much as I hate credit, I couldn't wait to save for a new one. I'm angry also about never paying off the credit card entirely, and you know what my expenses on that are? US university applications...mine and Andrew's, because Andrew has had to pay for everything related to his brother's death. Just this month he will start paying for the 8-hour long transportation of the body from the capital city to here, and that's just the beginning. This sucks.

(Bringing up his brother's death makes me realize my petty complaints, but please bear with me)

I was saying, those applications, and my Nephew #2's hotel stay when he had to take the flight back home, because he sure as hell wasn't going to spend 12 hours sitting in an airport. What I'm trying to say is, my expenses are things we need. So it's not like I say "oh, I regret spending that money on that thing I never use or that never comes in handy". I don't. I'm actually grateful I had the money I needed in the first place. But I'm angry and tired of being constantly blindsided by new expenses of things we need.

Sorry I'm whiny. I get like that when I feel out of control regarding my finances. I'm trying to stay positive, this will be the last month in which I won't be able to save. I've been saying that since the wedding and I've been wrong. I guess I'll just keep saying it until I'm not.

In a couple of months, when I have some money to spare (besides having money to save), I'll start seeing a psychologist. I already chose one. My body too has been out of control. It seems my body forgot it (I, we?) had irritable bowel syndrome and now it's just turned to gurgling and throwing up air (not burping although related). I started doing it on purpose to make the uncomfortable and embarrassing noises in the throat and chest stop. I don't know, man. I have physical symptoms that change every few months and that's very telling, I think. And it's like the physical version of my ever-evolving dreams with Joseph. I suspect there might a connection but I got nothing beyond the suspicion.

Also, a few days days ago I found an article on vaginismus. My whole body tensed as I was reading and I ended up crying uncontrollably and shaking. I can't tell you why, it was a gut reaction. It's a very automatic thing. I was grateful someone wrote it and reframed it like that, too.

Let's see...also, I'm planning my vet friend Karin's bachelorette party. I'm not into that kind of thing at all but she loves many of the traditional aspects of getting married so there you have me, trying to contact her closest friends, relatives and colleagues. I got a bachelorette party myself and while I could have lived a happy life without one, I appreciated the sentiment behind it (and it reminded me I had good friends here), so I gotta pay it forward. Luckily she's one of my own, who will take a small get-together with good food over a wild party with tons of booze. That makes it easier.

Jack White is playing in the capital in March. ON A MONDAY. Right when the semester starts for Andrew and me, so we can't go. Considering I've been just been whining about spending money, you may think this is good news. But actually it breaks my heart and I feel like a crying a little bit, because I adore Jack White's music, since I discovered the White Stripes shortly after getting dumped. Jack White was my first crush after Joseph, and getting all shaky over someone (even if unreachable) reminded me that there was a world out there to see. It would mean the world to me seeing him live.

Such is life.

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