Sunday, 04.12.2015 - 5:05 pm.
Two times this week I've woken up screaming in the middle of the night. In both occasions, I was dreaming of surveillance, of rather, of someone not taking their eyes off of me.
The first one I thought was very funny, once I realized where it came from. Andrew and I were watching TV and over our heads there was a little hole on the wall. I could see its reflection on our TV, and a red laser ray was coming from it. Someone was pointing at us and wouldn't stop, and it drove me mad, and I woke up...howling? I could've sworn I heard a dog howling as I was waking up and that was me. I realized the night before Andrew and I had watched John Oliver's interview with Edward Snowden and for a good portion of the segment, as Oliver spoke, there was the title card that said "surveillance" and had a red eye/red laser ray as a watermark. That's what I saw in my dream.
Last night though, I dreamed of sitting in front of a young man. In a previous dream, or perhaps the same one, I'd learned this man was a priest that had abused children. And now he was sitting in front of me and wouldn't take his eyes off of me. Something happened in my dream, like I started wielding a whip trying to fight off his stare, I felt myself move like that. And I heard myself scream, and I felt my cat Nico jump off of me, because he's been sleeping next to me, or even on top of me, since the cold weather started. Andrew calmed me down and repeated he was there with me. The bad feeling passed quickly, I actually didn't think what I was feeling in the dream merited screaming. Same with the first one.
Ironically, I've been sleeping really well. It seems I'm not grinding my teeth! I can tell because I've been slobbering and I fucking hate that but that means my jaw is relaxed. Also, my gingivitis is gone, something I didn't think possible. I've been very strict with the flossing though, so that probably helps. Anyway...I'm curious about those dreams and the need to scream to make them stop.
Speaking of dreams, a few nights ago I dreamed I was running in some context I can't remember, and I turned to the left in an alley and then walked into a door, and I found myself in Joseph's house. I realized I'd made a wrong turn, I felt I'd changed dimensions when I got into the alley. His housekeeper was there, I said hi to her. Joseph appeared behind her and I hid under a bed(?), although he had already seen me. We interacted for the rest of the dream, I think it was civil but I do not remember anything. Then I dreamed of an anime which was loosely based on how Joseph and I met.
I felt ok when I woke up. Lately I'd been thinking that whatever happened with him doesn't matter anymore. I'm finally far away enough, in time and space, to not care or feel a thing. It might as well have happened in another life.
Now, onto dreams that come true:
ANDREW AND I ARE OFFICIALLY ACCEPTED AT SHEFFIELD! For a while it seemed we were not going to get the acceptance letter before the scholarship deadline, which is this thursday, the 16th. But we did, on friday! Due to work reasons Andrew and I couldn't see each other on friday until at night, and then we hugged and he cried a little, because I know that's been his dream all along.
Only until recently it's been a dream of mine as well. Don't think me ungrateful, I just need to mourn the fact that I will not be studying in the US or Canada. That was always my goal, and mostly because it was a somewhat familiar environment while still being foreign, and I'd get to be close to my family (parents could travel easily, I could see my siblings and nephews and nieces every other month). So it does hurt that instead of getting a little closer, I'm moving farther away. They're nothing but happy for me, as I am happy myself. But I think, no, I know, we all feel that little thorn in our hearts. Distance is tough.
But that aside: holy shit. Well, I still can't say "we're moving to England" because we still have to earn the scholarship...we are submitting it tonight, hopefully, and I think there's a good chance we get it. So at least we might be moving to England. AhghsdgjhGSDJADHhgajhfajhsf.
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