Was I ever married to that guy?
Saturday, 06.13.2015 - 13:29 pm.

Andrew's birthday is on Monday. And he's been so distraught and moody and tired. I'm preparing a surprise party for him tonight and I'm nervous. Everything's ready and our friends only have to show up at our doorstep, but I have yet to find a way to make sure we'll be here at that time. Mostly likely we will, but he tends to make plans for the both of us and inform me later (we argued about it this week, thankfully he listened to me and realized he does that here and there).

I ordered a book for him but it hasn't arrived, so yesterday I went out during office hours to get him something else, just in case. A few days before, my friend Anita and I drove to the supermarket to buy food and drinks for the party. Ok, it's not a party, it's a get-together. We don't really "party" but we have fun. Music, food and drinks, friends. It resembles one anyway.

Dream time:

I dreamed I ran into Joe. I think of him as my neighbor now, since he lives in a country nearby, but I haven't seen him since I came here years ago. He was my guitar instructor around 2004, that's how we met (minus the first time I laid eyes on him, he was playing at a Beatles tribute concert and I melted). I always felt some vibe from him towards me, and Lord, how I crushed on him, but I was with Joseph then. Then Joseph went off to marry someone else while Joe and I remained friends. I was hoping for more. We were neighbors then, too, we worked at different NGOs a few houses away one from the other, so we'd go for pizza across the street sometimes. Once we went to the movies and I was sore between my legs from being aroused the whole time sitting next to him. It was awful and hilarious. Still, I'm glad I was always able to count him as a friend. A very talented one at that.

In the dream I ran into him while I was at school. I was wearing a wedding band and I told him I was moving to Chile. He tried on my band and said he'd like to come with me. I thought HOLYSHITYES but then I asked myself, "wait, am I married?". I had memories come to me of the religious ceremony Andrew and I had last year, but in my dream I was supposed to be married to Joseph. "Was it just a symbolic thing or did we really sign legal papers?". And I realized I hadn't seen Joseph in so long so I figured, "does it even matter if we signed anything?". Yes, it would! But it was my dream so it wouldn't.

The thing is, it didn't matter. Was I ever married to Joseph? Does it even matter now? I once listed my status as married when I was dating him, a silly thing ones does. To me, for all effects and purposes, we were married. So I loved myself in that dream for not giving a fuck. I look at myself now, genuinely not giving a fuck about Joseph anymore, and I get happy because for years that didn't seem possible.

And now, back to reality:

Andrew hasn't been wearing his wedding band, and I guess my unconscious took that cue. It's not alarming for our marriage, but it does make me worry about him. He takes it off without noticing; sometimes he remembers to put it back on, other times he forgets where he left it. At least he hasn't lost it and for now it remains in the box. It makes me sad though. I do feel tossed aside when he is in these emotional states but I know they're not about me.

And yes, I'm worried about the surprise tonight. He just came home from running some errands and I'm hoping that -considering his mood- will leave him depleted and we'll stay home for the rest of the day. And also, I hope he likes the surprise. I know he'd put on a smiley face when he sees his friends but I hope it doesn't leave him in a worse mood afterwards.

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