Friday, 10.30.2015 - 5:31 pm.
We bought tickets to go to my home country in March. Then I spent nearly a day stressed out, because as soon as I told my family, Brother #1 said I should've bought the tickets for Houston instead, and later on called me to put me on this guilt trip about how my parents actually want to get out of the country for a while and they want to see me and lots others of reasons.
I love my family, you know, and it's rare that I have a reason to get even remotely angry at any of them. But this did it, because it seemed like he had a lot of plans going on in his head that I did not know about. It reminded me of that whole guilt trip from my dad, a few days before we left Chile. I'd spent $400 USD to mail two boxes with my brand-new book and I was two days from boarding the plane and going crazy trying to get everything done. The phone call in which I let him know I'd sent the box revolved about how I did not sign three books for my aunts, and what was he going to tell them because he had already promised them signed copies of my book. He went on and on about that and nothing more.
Fuck you. Fuck you a thousand times, dad. I still resent that and probably always will, because that was a horrible way to react to someone who's going out of her way to do something nice. So yesterday morning I couldn't concentrate at work thinking about that, and how Brother #1 had said that we should've bought the plane tickets for Houston, they would've been cheaper, too. Being in a profession that's horribly underpaid in my context and living so far away from everyone that I must always have some savings to make sure I'll be able to see them eventually, I do have issues with money. And that "cheap" comment stung. I've spent months struggling not to touch the amount we used to buy the tickets. I paid for Andrew's ticket, too. He's still paying his debts (including his brother's burial, Jesus) and in my country he's forced to tag along to survive. It's only fair.
So there you go! I was so angry. But I made peace with these thoughts, and consequently with my dad and brother, who ultimately just wants to get us all together, and it passed. What's important is that I'll get to see a good chunk of my loved ones (including Brother #1 that will travel for a few days to see us!) in a few months. I'm not too crazy about going to my home country because it's hell on Earth, but there's that oasis of well-being called family and friends.
Speaking of family, Andrew told me one of these days that he caught himself fantasizing about having a child. I've seen that desire increasing over time, how his heart melts when we see children on the street. Same. We talked about start looking into adoption agencies next year, hopefully when we have to leave the UK in a few years we can take a little piece of it with us (I speak of this completely unaware of how excruciating and expensive the process must be).
Oh, this has been our first full month in the country. I am so happy here.