Christmas talk, child talk.
Saturday, 11.21.2015 - 6:29 pm.

I woke up this morning and there was snow. Snow! I was ridiculously happy, running from window to window to see it from all angles. This is so perfect. Yesterday Andrew and I ordered a Christmas tree and lights, and we bought a few ornaments at the Students' Union. Oh, my God, yay.

I took out the small Santa Claus plush my mom sent me a couple of years ago. She knows I loved it when I lived in my family home, so she sent it to me when I was in Chile, and now it's with me in the UK. I also took out a tiny nativity scene my parents sent me (perhaps the same year as the Santa). It's so tiny it fits in my hand, baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph and a couple of animals, all inside a cave. It's a handcraft from my home country and it's my little treasure.

A couple of weeks ago we put together a shoebox (well, just a box) filled with goodies for a girl. We turned it in at the University, as we got an e-mail about this charity that delivers the shoeboxes to children in poverty-stricken areas of some countries. I hope a girl has happy holidays with the cute doll and other stuff we got her. I was overjoyed picking toys and school supplies for a girl, and so was Andrew, who so carefully wrapped the box with christmas wrapping paper.

Speaking of which, I think we cannot adopt here, as we're international students. It broke my heart when I came to that conclusion and I was surprised to find myself on the verge of tears. By now it's safe to say that Andrew and I do want a child (hopefully a girl), wholeheartedly. We're still attending some informative meeting in the first weeks of December.

Having a biological child is out of the question. I've spent years going back and forth, leaving room for a pregnancy, but now I'm sure. If it happened by accident I'd go ahead and we'd still be thrilled, but I already have enough issues with my body. And this has got nothing to do with gaining weight or being grossed out by bodily fluids and processes, I do not care for those things. There are deeper issues and thus I consider myself infertile. One might say that it's silly to take this position since we want a kid so badly, but the heart (and the body) wants it wants. And I have a most supportive husband who also understands that there's more to being a family than being related by blood.

This scholarship does not allow me to get pregnant in the next four years, anyway. I'm only allowed to deliver a thesis. That's all right. It's coming along (I think. Maybe not. I don't know what I'm doing!). I suppose I'll have to reconsider a pregnancy in four years, if it isn't too late for my body, depending on how we do these years with other options.

This was my update, written from my new desk. Andrew and I each got one and now we have our much-needed little studio in the house. Now that winter has begun (to me it's been winter since March! Not complaining!), some days we'll just work from home to avoid the slippery slopes of this city.

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